Louder for the men in the back

Can we be honest for just a second? There are far too many “nice guys” in the world and far too few good men.

It feels that way, doesn’t it? It might not actually be true, but there’s a very good reason many of us think this way. The truth is that “nice guys” are always loudly proclaiming how nice they are while good men (or insert another gender here) are out there being good without needing to proclaim it or seek outside validation.

Someone who’s actually a good person doesn’t have to go around telling everyone he is because they can see it for themselves. There’s nothing to prove. Here are 7 other things the alleged “nice guys” will do those good men just don’t.

7 Things “Nice Guys” Do That Good Men Don’t

If you’ve ever seen the movie When Harry Met Sally, you’ll remember the friend argument. Harry makes the claim that men and women can’t be friends because sex always gets in the way. When I first saw this movie as a teenager, I completely sided with Sally and insisted that (straight) men and women could be friends without a sexual component to the relationship. Fast forward to my forties, and I agree with Harry.

Straight men tend to be really bad at being “just friends” with women. While it’s perfectly possible for me to be friends with a man I’m not romantically interested in, I don’t find that they can do the same. Conversations tend to get overly flirty or dip into sexual innuendo even when these men are in a relationship.

I’ve been made uncomfortable by many, many straight men I considered friends. Gay men don’t make me feel this way. My lesbian, bisexual, and transgender friends don’t make me feel uncomfortable with their banter. It’s just the straight men that seem to cross a line that they keep ignoring no matter how boldly we draw it.

The “nice guy” tends to have different levels of treatment for women according to who they are to him. The relationship defines the respect he accords them. While it makes sense that a man might show more respect to his mother or boss than to a female acquaintance, that’s not what we’re talking about here. The “nice guy” might see some women as worthy of sleeping with but not dating, worthy of dating but not marrying, or worthy of being with but not publicly.

In short, the “nice guy” often uses women but doesn’t see it that way. He sees her “level” in his life as justification for treating some women with more respect and some women with less. His nice treatment is dependent on what he can get from her and how it is seen to elevate his life and lifestyle in the process. Listen to how a “nice guy” talks about women. A good man treats all people with respect whether or not they’re interested in him.

One of the loudest ways “nice guys” self-identify is by complaining as often as possible about the notorious friend zone where potential relationships go to die or at least live in purgatory. It doesn’t matter how often we explain it, “nice guys” insist that the friend zone exists, and they don’t see anything wrong with categorizing female friends by whether or not these friends are willing to sleep with them or date them.

The women I hang out with have never complained that I put them in the friend zone — not even the ones who date other women. That’s because there is no friend zone. There are people we’re interested in dating, people we’re interested in being friends with, and people who are either acquaintances, coworkers, or fall into some other category.

Women aren’t actually sorting people into friend or lover zones. If we want to be a man’s friend, it’s because we see value in a friendship with him and enjoy talking to him or hanging out with him. We’re not waiting around in hopes of a romantic or sexual connection.  Good men are capable of valuing friendships with women without looking at them as waiting rooms for a different kind of relationship to develop. 

“Nice guys” are entitled. They feel like being nice means that people they’re interested in should reciprocate with sex, affection, or returned feelings. They feel like this is owed because they were decent human beings — yet, how decent is it to behave in a way that seems nice while holding an underlying expectation of being rewarded for it? It’s not exactly altruism, is it?

Listen to them talk about dating. Did they complain about how much they spent just because the other person decided they were incompatible? Was the cost of the date meant to guarantee a particular outcome?

Good men aren’t nice in order to get something for it. They do the right thing because it’s the right thing, not because they think it will manipulate the outcome in their favor. They don’t feel entitled to anyone’s feelings or affection and are mature enough to understand that not everyone we like will like us back or like us in the same way. While they still might experience rejection, they don’t lay the blame for it on the other person but have the maturity to accept that it happens.

The nice guy likes to expound on how well he’s treated women. He has plenty of examples. Honestly, he won’t shut up about it. The truth is that women are hearing these stories and contrasting it with their treatment of us — not favorably, I might add.

He’s listing all the things he’s done for women while we note how entitled he is, how strongly he disparages the Friend Zone, and how immature his thinking is when it comes to adult romantic relationships. Maybe he has done nice things for the women he’s liked, but he doesn’t usually mention the boundaries they’ve set that he ignores, the times he’s used a gift or action to manipulate a relationship, or how his overall treatment of women may have been sending up red flags he’s not seeing.

Good men are nice to other people. Men, women, any gender. They’re kind, which is better than nice. You won’t hear them list all the good things they’ve ever done because they probably aren’t keeping score.

Listen to a “nice guy” talk about his past relationships. He has a lot to say about everything good he did, everything bad his former partner did, and how mistreated he was in the relationship. Beware, singles. I’ve talked to my exes’ exes before and realized that the stories I was told had no resemblance to what actually happened in those relationships. I’ve heard exes talk about me in ways that are so far from the truth they could qualify as fiction.

“Nice guys” aren’t usually accountable for relationships ending or things going wrong. To hear them tell it, they were doing all the right things, and the women came along and ruined it by being flaky, false, or fickle. Their characterizations of women read like a Nicholas Sparks book — romanticizing women but seeing them as the real problem.

Good men can be accountable for their behavior. They don’t try to pass themselves off as perfect. They don’t try to make the flaws they admit to having sound somehow better than they were. “Nice guys” will give the job interview answer for their relational challenges: I just loved her too much, I guess. Good men will own their real flaws without trying to whitewash them. I wasn’t good at handling conflict and tended to avoid it until the relationship broke down.

Another thing you’ll notice “nice guys” do is that good men don’t treat their single status as something women have done to them. They seriously think they’re a victim for still being single. Listen to how they talk about the women they date. They usually describe it as if they are being rejected by women who should have seen themselves as lucky that they even wanted to partner with them in the first place.

Being single is because women want bad guys, not nice ones or because women are too picky or think they can find better men. His single status isn’t his fault. It’s not the immaturity he’s telegraphing to everyone he dates that has caused him to be alone. It’s because women are somehow to blame for failing to snatch him off the market and put a ring on it.

Good Men Are Out There — “Nice Guys” Are Just Louder

I think we’re all a little tired of dealing with nice guys. They aren’t just problems for the people who date them. They tend to have this same hero-yet-victim mode at work, in families, and everywhere else. They tell themselves a highly romanticized story about how good they are, how the world is set against them, and what they actually deserve.

But the truth is that they don’t deserve any more than anyone else. No one owes them anything because they gave the bare minimum effort at treating other people with consideration. In point of fact, none of us is owed a relationship with anyone else.

I could sit here and break down a relationship where I did a lot of really sweet things for my former partner. It’s true. I did all of them. I didn’t do them because I wanted something from him. I did them because it helped express how I felt about him. I wanted to shower him with love and affection, so I did. I probably went overboard, truth be told. But the relationship didn’t last, and all the nice things I did were never a guarantee that it would. That’s not why I did them.

I can tell you about what I did wrong in that relationship. I can assign his responsibility, too. I can even tell you what we got right — and there were a few things we did do well. The relationship still broke down, and it didn’t have anything to do with the fact that I was once nice and he didn’t appreciate it. I assume he probably did appreciate it, but that didn’t change his feelings. It hurt that he didn’t feel the same way, but he never owed me reciprocation. My love wasn’t given on a quid pro quo agreement.

“Nice guys” can come in any gender. They loudly declare how awful their relationships have been without identifying the patterns that created them. Everything is someone else’s fault, and every nice action deserves a reward. They’re so loud that they’re drowning out the good men who are quietly getting on with it without needing a pat on the back for doing the absolute bare minimum.

The distinction can be subtle at first, then devastating.

Positive attention feels nice. Being desired feels very nice. Experiencing those things from someone you’re crazy about feels very, very nice.

Realizing that same person is making no real effort to truly know you, commit to you, or show you, love? That doesn’t feel nice at all.

When it comes to matters of the heart, there is a crucial difference between someone who is merely “nice” and someone who is kind. And it can be a tricky distinction to make at first because the initial stage of a relationship is often filled with optical illusions. Both of you are putting your best foot forward, there’s a lot of dopamine and other feel-good hormones flooding your brain, and warning signs are often ignored or at least glossed over.

When you first fall for someone, basic displays of human decency can appear almost heroic: They texted me back! They asked how my day was! I made a joke and they laughed! Oh, they are so nice.

It’s easy to be nice to someone; most of us extend that courtesy to total strangers (unless they are other drivers, in which case we curse at them). Kindness, in contrast, requires an investment of energy, care, and attention. Some basic examples to illustrate the difference:

Saying, “Oh that’s too bad” when you tell them you had a hard day? Nice. Asking, “Do you want to talk about it?” or “Can I do anything to help?” when you tell them you had a hard day? Kind.

Giving you a bite of their dessert at a restaurant? Nice. Surprising you with dessert the next time they come over? Kind.

Paying you a compliment about your appearance? Nice. Paying you a compliment about your soul? Kind.

You get the picture. Kindness is taking the extra step beyond platitudes. It involves thinking of another person and what might make them feel good, unprompted. It is outward-facing, not self-serving.

We’ve established that it’s easy to be nice. But it’s also quite easy to be kind if — and here’s the key — you truly care for someone. When you’re invested in a relationship with another person, finding ways to make them happy comes naturally. You don’t do it out of a feeling of obligation, or to avoid conflict, or because it might earn you something in return.

A relationship can get by for a while on “nice,” but over time, the absence of kindness will create a crack that only gets bigger. There will likely be an increasing imbalance in the effort and emotional investment each partner is putting in. The partner who is starved for kindness may then push harder for intimacy and connection, which will likely backfire. Even if things don’t fall apart all at once, it is only a matter of time; without kindness as a foundation, a relationship cannot hold up.

Regrettably, I have been on both sides of this scenario. I have been the superficially nice one who acted unkindly by taking advantage of another person’s devotion to making me feel better about myself. That person ultimately walked away and didn’t look back, and I deserved that.

I have also been the one who spent months clinging to every scrap of nice I could get from someone who seemed to be conducting an experiment titled, “How little effort can I put in before she finally gives up?” So…karma, I guess.

A partner who is nice but not kind to you isn’t a monster; things are rarely that black and white. But they aren’t the right person for you, and giving them more of your time and effort won’t change that. You deserve someone who shows you kindness every day, in small and large ways, just because. You deserve more than nice.

It’s Usually a Code Asking You For Something!

If you would be willing to provide something of value for instance. Like money in exchange for the time and activity that the person asking the question and the other person receiving the question are contemplating engaging in, and being compensated for.

 Consequently, if you’re ever being asked if you’re a generous person,  it’s best to consider the question as a form of solicitation by someone who is prostituting or is willing to prostitute themselves to those who are willing to be generous.

Looking to start a new relationship, for many it may mean meeting a new love interest online. Word to the wise:  sometimes it’s best to lead with your head and not your heart. 

Millions of Americans use dating sites, social networking sites, and chat rooms to meet people. And many forge successful relationships.

But scammers also use these sites to meet potential victims. They create profiles (most of them fake) to build online relationships and eventually convince people to send money in the name of love.

There is never a reason for anyone you meet on a dating site to ask you for money and there is definitely never a reason to send anyone money. It doesn’t matter how emotionally connected you have become to the person, if they are asking for money, they are scamming you.

A typical online dating scam starts to connect with another single on an emotional level and then manufacture a crisis that can only be solved by you sending her money. The Federal Trade Commission receives thousands of reports each year about romance scammers who create fake online relationships only to steal their victims’ money.

Some of them lost upwards of $50,000. I have never heard of a single incident where the person asking for money ever turned out to be genuine. However, nothing in life is ever 100%!

In that sense, the possibility exists that a clever woman might ask a man for a token amount of money, or ask to fly thousands of miles for a short face-to-face meeting, just to see if you agree.

And just in case you do agree, she’ll then drop you in a heartbeat because such a woman will certainly not be interested to spend the rest of her life with a loser, a man with a brain in his pants, that she can wrap around her fingers at will.

Before you venture off into the desert, remember this…

In reality, it is not even wise to lend money to a friend, because you might not only lose money but a friend as well. However, if you’re financially sound it is always noble to “give money” (meaning not to become disappointed when they don’t repay the loan), to a family member or a good friend in an emergency. From another consideration…

1. Never Send Money

On almost every occasion, scammers will inevitably ask you for money. Sometimes this can start small, and usually happens within the first few weeks, although it can happen after months have passed. However, if you are asked to send money for any reason, this should immediately raise a red flag.  Never send money to anyone online, especially those who you have never met in real life. 

2. Keep Personal Information Private

Personal information should be kept exactly what it is called: personal. Online dating scammers may not directly ask for money from you, but instead, ask for personal information and take it themselves; and may even steal your identity. Never give anyone on an online dating website your social security number, banking details, or your home address. Doing so could lead to huge legal issues such as bankruptcy, identity theft, and in some extreme cases, jail time.

3. Pay Attention To Keywords

Most of the scripts that are used by online dating scammers include certain keywords to use when they are grooming their victims. Keywords such as “fate” or “destiny” should immediately cause you to be suspicious, especially if you have both only been chatting for a week. These keywords are used to try and drag you into a romance trance, which will lower your guard, making you much more vulnerable to his request.

There is of course a lot more available online using Google search. For instance, to learn how to spot an online dating scam; and also what you can do to prevent yourself from becoming another victim. Online dating scammers spend a lot of time polishing their scripts and treat this like their full-time job.

We have seen many victims lose out on millions of dollars each. Some have even gotten married, only to end up divorced and broke due to Sugar Daddy scams.  The key takeaway from this guide should be to never send money to anyone online,  most particularly a potential romance; and this goes for private information too.

Never do anything online that you may regret in the future, as some online dating scammers will use this to extort you. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Stay vigilant.

There’s a reason they never call you again.

And it has a lot to do with your dating approach.  Does every one of your dates end in failure? 

Maybe they just fizzle out, or you never seem to close on that second date phone call. If that sounds like you, you’re not alone. So many people struggle to healthily manage the trials of a dating life.

It’s a struggle. Especially when you don’t have the tools to navigate the nuance of connecting on these new (potentially romantic) levels with someone else. Not to despair, though. You can build better and more successful dating behaviors when you shed the unhealthy ones that are holding you back.

The worst dating behaviors you need to drop.

If every one of your dates ends in disaster or failure, then there’s a pretty good chance you’re a part of the equation. That’s not to say you’re not going on bad dates — you are. But there are some common dating mistakes that a lot of us make without really thinking about. Acknowledging these foibles is how we move past them, but that requires honesty. Are you acting distracted? Coming on too hard and fast? Correct these dating no-no’s and you can create new connections that matter with the people you’re interested in.

Totally distracted
Are you someone who gets totally distracted on your dates? Maybe you sit on your phone more than normal, or answer (unimportant) phone calls when you’re just meeting someone new. These are major turn-offs, and send the signal that you’re either uninterested or just an inattentive (and rude) person and partner in general. Focus on your date and get to know them.

Complete negativity
Negative Nancy’s are not fun to hang out with and they certainly aren’t fun on dates. They are a total drain on our energy, and all that negative thinking has a bad way of rubbing off on our own perception of life. This is the person who is negative about everything. And that can include the weather, the date, and even the appearance of the person they’re hanging out with. Does this sound like you? Being more positive is the only path forward.

High-speed oversharing
The people that we’re interested in should be trustworthy. That is to say, we should want to share ourselves with them because we know it’s safe. It doesn’t mean we actually open ourselves up like a book from Day 1. If you’re a high-speed over-sharer, then you could turn your dates off before they get started. That’s a lot of pressure to deal with when you’re hammering them with sensitive topics like money, politics, or your desire to have 12 kids in the next 12 months.

Refusing to accept “no”
Refusing to take “no” for an answer is not an appealing trait in a partner at any stage in the relationship. This happens whenever you try to force a second date or even insist on walking your date home (after they have repeatedly told you no). It’s also a major red flag and a potential sign of a controlling person who insists on getting their way over others. If someone tells you they don’t want something or don’t want to do something — respect them.

No room to speak
Do you monopolize conversation a lot when you’re out on a date? This can happen a lot when we’re nervous, but it’s a deadly dating behavior that kills so many new connections in the water. When you only talk about yourself or spend all your time talking over the other person, it can make them feel as though you don’t really value or respect them as a human being.

Double booking
Are you a speed dater of Ramona Singer proportions? Maybe you go out on one date but immediately schedule another date right after. While this may seem effective for you, it’s hurtful to the people you’re spending time with. This is especially true if you tell one date you are leaving for another. Again, this creates the idea you don’t respect them, you’re not that interested, and you don’t really value their time and connection.

Great pretenders
No one likes someone who pretends to be something that they’re not. It’s offsetting, and it doesn’t allow us to build a basis of trust. If you put on airs whenever you’re on a date, the other person is going to pick up on that. They will be able to see that you’re not who you say you are, and that’s going to create issues that are difficult to solve from the very first day you’re together.

Too many questions
There’s a fine line between asking enough questions to stir the conversation and so many questions that you seem like a creep. Sure, you want to get to know what makes the other person tick; how they grew up, and what their life outlook is. But you don’t need to question every single aspect of their past relationships or other sensitive topics that are too close to pain for a first or second date. Again, this is a place to keep it light and fun. Leave room for them to question you as well.

Constant reassurance
Are you someone who constantly asks their dates if they are alright? Or if they are having fun? You may even go so far as to ask your date what they think of your appearance — over and over again. This constant reassurance is a major turnoff. No one wants to be constantly responsible for someone else’s insecurity. Doing this can create the idea (in the mind of your date) that you are weak, clingy, and highly codependent.

Swallowing space
Some people take up a lot of space. There’s no intention behind it, they just do. Their personalities are big, and their egos are better. Along the way, they were allowed to lean into patterns that affirmed this behavior. People swallow space on their dates when they try to force the flow of the date. They will monopolize the conversation, tell the other person what to order, and even order for them. They may also criticize what the other person eats and tell them (in any way) how to feel or act on the date.

How to make yourself the ideal date.
Do you want to move beyond the annoying, irritating, or self-sabotaging behaviors above? Then you have to take steps to make yourself the ideal date — not just for your potential partners, but for your own peace of mind. Doing this requires you to change the way you see dating, though, and that you also focus on what you really need (and your sense of self). Clarify what you’re interested in before you commit to dates and remember to keep it light and fun.

You must have the right mindset about dating to even make it remotely successful for you. That means you have to stop seeing each date as the end-all and be-all of your life. That new person doesn’t have to become your husband or the father of their children. Could they? Maybe one day. But the important thing now is that you stop focusing on the future and get clear in the present. Who are they right now? Your job is to find out.

Shed those expectations and standards society has forced that on you. You don’t have to be married by a certain age. There’s no validation waiting for you on the other side of a romantic relationship, or some magic cure that will somehow make you better and more loveable. Dating is simply spending time with people you find interesting. That’s it. And when you come to understand that on a true and deep level, it changes your entire approach to the process.

Confidence is key to making yourself both an attractive prospect and a secure and successful dater. People can tell when you’re insecure, and that can make them feel uncertain about you. “If this person doesn’t even like themselves, why should I like them?” To be attractive to someone, you must think you’re attractive. Genuinely. You need to love yourself and know how much you really have to offer in life and in love, too.

The best way to kick-start this process is by doing things you’re good at. Stop thinking about relationships for a moment and focus on yourself. Get out into the world and experience the things that fill you up with lightness and passion. Meet new people, make new friends. Go to different places and do things entirely on your own. Fill yourself up from the inside out so you don’t go chasing partners who want to take advantage of you. Stop seeking constant reassurances on your dates by giving it to yourself with a base of self-esteem.

Before you go leaping off the high dive into the deep end, you need to have a general idea of what actually matters to you. What are you looking for out of the dating process? Do you just want to have some casual fun? Are you looking to connect with someone on a more serious level? There’s no right or wrong answer. We all have different needs and wants, and they are all valid. Getting clarity is so that you can communicate your needs and get them, without hurting others and yourself in the process.

Take some time visualizing your ideal date experience and your ideal partner. What do you enjoy doing when you meet someone new? What puts your mind at ease? This clarification can save us a lot of time and a lot of frustration. Not every date is worth taking. That’s simply a fact. Getting the right person isn’t a game of playing all the numbers. You’ve got to play the right numbers. So, be honest about what you want and don’t want at this stage in your dating journey, and don’t settle for potential partners you know are widely outside of these needs.

Look, the fact of the matter is that there’s no way to create a 100% successful and enjoyable dating experience. That’s not how life works — and it never has. Sometimes our dates don’t work out. What starts off being an attractive prospect can end up being totally unappealing. You must be open to the bad dates as much as you are to the excellent dates. But the real trick is doing this without intentionally settling or getting into a dangerous “numbers game”.

Look at the bad dates as a learning experience. These individuals may not have what you want or need, but they are a mirror through which you can see the reflection of your ideal relationship. In their flaws or shortcomings, see what you’re not willing to settle for, or what you can’t commit to. There’s no use in thinking you can “fix” them or morph them into the partner that you want. Take the awful date as a chance to learn and move on. Focus on the next spark and the potential fire that could grow from (if fostered correctly).

Above everything else, dating should be fun. We’ve adopted this idea that it should be super serious, and that it should happen super fast. But none of that is true. Dating is just the experience of getting to know someone. That’s it. The physical part comes later, as a separate part of the relationship. But the dating? That’s simple stuff. Your only real responsibility is to make it fun, keep it focused in the present moment, and make other space for this potential love interest to reveal itself.

New relationships aren’t rushed to the altar. They are ultimately diamond mining fact-finding missions. You want to get to know the person sitting on the other side of the table. But you want to get to that knowing level-by-level. Don’t rush yourselves. The serious stuff can all come naturally and when your connection allows for it. Don’t take things too seriously and don’t make the other person feel forced to rush or over-share too quickly. Fun is a bonding agent at every stage of your relationship, but it’s especially important when getting a date off the ground.

Where People Only Care About a Person’s Outward Appearance.

More like online shopping to find a partner based on looks alone.

Here are some threats from Tinder…

Absolutely not!
Online dating is not only here to stay, but will become even more popular.

After all, it’s the most effective way to meet new people that you wouldn’t have a chance otherwise. It offers to expand the horizon way beyond any local municipality, crossing oceans and borders without a visa. All from the convenience of your home. Especially considering the latest advancements of voice and video integration, without compromising personal contact information.

If you wonder if it can get even better… oh yes it can, as the next technology of automatic voice translation is in the works. This will make voice and video calls possible with someone speaking another language.

However, you can’t have the cake and eat it too.

It means you have to set your priorities and focus just on that objective. If you’re looking for casual hookups then APPS like Tinder and others where one meets on the merit of swiping on images is for you. You’ll not even have to worry about creating a detailed profile, as only physical appearance instead your personality are relevant.

If however, you’re looking for a lifetime partner or soulmate, wasting your time with shallow prospects will only sabotage your objective. After all…

One more oriented towards serious relationships, and that’s the easy part.

The more difficult part will be to accept the fact, that finding an ideal lifetime partner will take a lot more time, effort, and patience. Especially when such an ideal partner turns out to be on the other side of the globe, and distance, language and cultural differences come into the equation.

In the end it will all be up to you, to either settle with someone just not to be alone, or hang in there until you discover that special person that makes you feel like a rediscovery of a long lost friend, lover, and soulmate combined.

Regardless of anything,  everything in our life worthwhile always takes a lot of time and effort.  Be it education, vocational advancement, or personal achievements. All depend on our will and tenacity to succeed with our goals and dreams. As a popular saying puts it so eloquently…

Matchmaking is now done primarily by algorithms.

Algorithms, and not friends and family, are now the go-to matchmaker for people looking for love, Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld has found.

In a new study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, Rosenfeld found that heterosexual couples are more likely to meet a romantic partner online than through personal contacts and connections. Since 1940, traditional ways of meeting partners – through family, in church, and in the neighborhood – have all been in decline, Rosenfeld said.

Rosenfeld, a lead author on the research and a professor of sociology in the School of Humanities and Sciences, drew on a nationally representative 2017 survey of American adults and found that about 39 percent of heterosexual couples reported meeting their partner online, compared to 22 percent in 2009. Sonia Hausen, a graduate student in sociology, was a co-author of the paper and contributed to the research.

Rosenfeld has studied mating and dating as well as the internet’s effect on society for two decades. Stanford News Service interviewed Rosenfeld about his research.

What’s the main takeaway from your research on online dating?

Meeting a significant other online has replaced meeting through friends. People trust the new dating technology more and more, and the stigma of meeting online seems to have worn off.

In 2009, when I last researched how people find their significant others, most people were still using a friend as an intermediary to meet their partners. Back then, if people used online websites, they still turned to friends for help setting up their profile page. Friends also helped screen potential romantic interests.

What were you surprised to find?

I was surprised at how much online dating has displaced the help of friends in meeting a romantic partner. Our previous thinking was that the role of friends in dating would never be displaced. But it seems like online dating is displacing it. That’s an important development in people’s relationship with technology.

What do you believe led to the shift in how people meet their significant other?

There are two core technological innovations that have each elevated online dating. The first innovation was the birth of the graphical World Wide Web around 1995. There had been a trickle of online dating in the old text-based bulletin board systems prior to 1995, but the graphical web put pictures and search at the forefront of the internet.

Pictures and searches appear to have added a lot to the internet dating experience. The second core innovation is the spectacular rise of the smartphone in the 2010s. The rise of the smartphone took internet dating off the desktop and put it in everyone’s pocket, all the time.

Also, the online dating systems have much larger pools of potential partners compared to the number of people your mother knows, or the number of people your best friend knows. Dating websites have enormous advantages of scale. Even if most of the people in the pool are not to your taste, a larger choice set makes it more likely you can find someone who suits you.

Does your finding indicate that people are increasingly less social?

No. If we spend more time online, it does not mean we are less social.

When it comes to single people looking for romantic partners, online dating technology is only a good thing, in my view. It seems to me that it’s a basic human need to find someone else to partner with and if technology is helping that, then it’s doing something useful.

The decline of meeting partners through the family isn’t a sign that people don’t need their family anymore. It’s just a sign that a romantic partnership is taking place later in life.

In addition, in our study, we found that the success of a relationship did not depend on whether the people met online or not. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter how you met your significant other, the relationship takes a life of its own after the initial meeting.

What does your research reveal about the online world?

I think that internet dating is a modest positive addition to our world. It is generating interaction between people that we otherwise wouldn’t have.

People who have in the past had trouble finding a potential partner benefit the most from the broader choice set provided by the dating apps.

Internet dating has the potential to serve people who were ill-served by family, friends, and work. One group of people who were ill-served was the LGBTQ+ community. So the rate of gay couples meeting online is much higher than for heterosexual couples.

You’ve studied dating for over two decades. Why did you decide to research online dating?

The landscape of dating is just one aspect of our lives that is being affected by technology. And I always had a natural interest in how new technology was overturning the way we build our relationships.

I was curious how couples meet and how has it changed over time. But no one has looked too deeply into that question, so I decided to research it myself.

​Love after 60… Some statistics.

I’ll start with someone you’ll never meet on dating sites.

There are no happy people because these resources are not of interest to them.

These people are happy in the family, they are not looking for anyone, their life is stable, the relationship is transparent and stable.  Surely someone will say, that does not happen. And I will answer, it happens!

But, such situations are more peculiar to the older generation, which is now for.. 55, 60, 70+

Here are the lines from the letter of a man living in Germany, and looking for a serious and stable family relationship with a Russian woman …    “Unfortunately, in recent decades in Russia, in many cases, family values and traditions are no longer the basis of living together – and many ethical and moral aspects have been lost”…

But you are probably still wondering who lives on Russian dating sites, what opponents of both sexes want, and whether it is possible to meet your fate there.  How to “learn” from millions, one or one.

Ancient Chinese wisdom says:

“An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet,  despite time,  Place, and  Circumstances. It is easier to say who is destined to be together, they will definitely meet.  Is that true?

In February 2021, during the testing of the Mir payment system, analysts conducted a personal survey of respondents by questionnaire, a representative sample included 1200 people over 18 years old.

According to the head of the marketing research and analytics department of the Mir payment system, it turned out that

“The main audience of dating sites or apps are people 18-34 years old. At the same time, 33% of men said that they had ever met online – and only 30% of women. But more women believe that they have had a successful experience of such acquaintances – 47% against 44% for men. “

I want to note, from personal observations, that in the midst of the pandemic, the number of visitors to dating sites decreased by actually 55%.

What do we have left, which of these lucky ones can get the only chance?

According to network information, today more than 17% of marriages in the world begin with online dating, while every third person at least once met on the Web.

It would seem that the numbers of serious acquaintances are very impressive, however, in reality, not everything is so rosy and safe. And the goals of website visitors do not always pursue the Mendelssohn March.

In 2017, Kaspersky Lab and B2B International found that finding a person for a serious relationship is not the first for which people register on dating platforms. The statistics of the goals say the following:

And with 100 people, only 11 want to meet their life partner!

Information on divorce statistics is also interesting, although information is not given where, when, and by whom they were carried out. However, it is argued that among couples who met on the Internet, the number of marriage breaks does not exceed 6%. According to the statistics of real offline dating, families break up with a probability of 8%. The difference is small, but it is still there.

But who are they, the real inhabitants of the sites, let’s try to separate the wheat from the chaff, and finally find your pearl in the layer of soil and sand.

Only for those who are not critical, but critically, adequately, evaluates themselves, their appearance,  health, opportunities, prospects, mentality, and everything that can be subjected to some correction if they personally wish.

Age for 55+, someone considers the golden age of autumn, someone, the beginning of old age. We will not delve into the WHO indicators on the criteria for the onset of old age, because it is still more pleasant to see the research of scientists from the United States, where people are considered old at the age of 70 for men and from 73 for women.

And finally, about the main thing, on specific examples.

According to our representative sample of 1000 users of dating sites, more than 90% indicate false information about themselves! Both for men and women, especially after 50+, a “decrease” in age, height, weight is characteristic. Moreover, more than half of them do not plan to meet offline… The reasons may be different, depending on the purpose of stay on the sites, from entertainment to the complete discrepancy of external data stated in the questionnaire.

And as strawberries, a few examples of real dates of ladies with men from dating sites in reality.

Man 72 )) indicated the data on the site), as it turned out, a long-lived site, lives on it for more than 15 years, a widower, a resident of a large metropolis with a rich social status in the past, a photo on the avatar in half a turn, glasses in front of his eyes, a black medical mask on his face.  For a long time he “sorted” women, but then somewhere below “flickered”, invited a lady on a date.

But the meeting was fatal.  Madame noticed him immediately, but ran away, dropping her slippers… At the meeting, the “gentleman” did not fully match the photo, because he looked ungroomed and 15 years older, on his hands huge black woolen gloves without fingers, and moccasins like Daddy Karlo.

Next candidate.  A man in his 60s, well-groomed, made an appointment in the park.

Immediately said that he lives with his son, so he is looking for a woman with housing. Note, not a person for a relationship! The next day I called and appointed a “romantic” date… at home (!!!) at the woman I liked, while designating in the form of a rider – aroma candles, and light salads, but without cheese.. Finish!

Another example. A man over 60, according to muscovite, has his own housing. A date was set in the center of the hall in the subway.

A deeply elderly man came on a date, ungroomed, older than his age, with a “nest” on his head with a carpet coat and a mesh from the 70s from which a bag of milk and sausages could be seen and asked for a validol tablet. I had to save a man. The date didn’t happen.

Similar examples of lies and inconsistency of data specified in the questionnaires, a lot, in more detail we will consider in the following articles from other positions.

This is only a small fraction of the visual portrait “inconsistencies” of the cavaliers…

But as they say, not everything is so bad.

Still, there are positive prospects. Match Group reports that right now there are at least 600 million singles in the world who have free access to the Web. But at the same time, 400 million of them have never used sites or dating apps. The question is how much this 400 ml. their desires are adequate.

If you never want to repeat your mistakes of the past,

it might be time to assess what your dating “Must Haves” and “Can’t Stands” are.

Dating is cool and all when you’re just dating to date. You get the drinks or the meal and you meet the person. You have a good or not-so-good conversation and you kiss or don’t kiss. You have a good or not-so-good time.

But when you’re dating because you don’t want to keep dating, because you’re ready to find that special person that makes you never want to go on a first date with anyone else ever again, then it’s a little different. You need a plan.

There’s where figuring out your non-negotiables comes in. This is your blueprint for love. Your love map of desired qualities, values, and boundaries. What you will and won’t compromise on.

Here’s how to make your own:

If you’re single, recently out of a relationship, and/or dating casually, now’s the perfect time to figure out exactly what you want in your next serious relationship.

This is the best time because it’s easy to convince yourself to overlook certain things if you’re already in a relationship. You’ll ultimately be unsatisfied in with someone if they can’t give you what you want/need.

You deserve the very best relationship you can imagine. Seriously. Don’t settle for mediocre. Let your imagination run wild.

What does your IDEAL relationship look like? How does it make you feel? How would they show you that they love you? How would you like the two of you to fight or resolve conflict?

Now, think about if there’s anything you should add by answering these questions: What was missing in past relationships? What do you admire about the healthy relationships around you? What makes your closest friendships work?

Once you’ve answered the above questions, you should have a clear list of “Must Haves.”

Now try to challenge your “Must Haves” list: Would it be okay if your sweetheart had a different faith? If they didn’t have the same sense of humor as you? If they didn’t want kids?

If the answer is “no” to any of the above questions, then you’ve uncovered a dating deal-breaker/ “Can’t Stand.”

Write down a clear list of “Can’t Stands” and “Must Haves.” Don’t worry about the length of it. Just write down everything you do and don’t want in your next dating relationship, so it’s easy to see.

Highlight the things that matter the most to you. You want to create a list of manageable length. Consider having only 5 to 10 “Can’t Stands” and 5 to 10 “Must Haves.” These are things you will not compromise on or sacrifice. Also make sure they are ones you can easily remember.

Popular non-negotiables include sense of humor, chemistry, good communication skills, and reliability.

It’s always good to get a second opinion on your list. Choose someone who knows about your dating history and whose feedback you would trust.

Then ask if they’d be willing to hold you accountable to that list. When you start dating someone new, see if they’d be willing to check in with you by asking you a question like, “Does ______ have the qualities on your list? Do they have any of the ‘Can’t Stands?’”

Now that you have a list, it’s time for you to be proactive about seeking out people who have the qualities you deem essential. You can suss this out by using your list to help guide your first conversations with someone new.

If someone has a different faith than you, for example, and that’s a “Can’t Stand”/dealbreaker, then there would be no reason for you to pursue something further with them. It may seem harsh, but it’s better to discover that you’re incompatible early on than get emotionally attached to a relationship that has no future.

Sometimes a non-negotiable list can highlight our own issues. You might have “honest” as a “Must Have” for your next partner, but you struggle with being forthright yourself.

As you determine what you want in a relationship, make sure to evaluate yourself based on the same list. You can’t expect to attract a partner that has qualities that you don’t cultivate in yourself.

There’s nothing wrong with dating just to date. It can be super fun and a great time to explore what you want and what you definitely don’t want. But if you’re ready to spend your nights cuddled up next to someone instead of on the dating scene, then date intentionally. You can do that the best by having your list of non-negotiables.

Happy loving!

A Russian philosopher helps explain.

We got married a year after meeting at a friend’s birthday party. The whole thing was practically an Ocean’s style heist. They pitched him. They talked me up. They told my life story. They showed photos of me at parties. They did the same thing for him. They showed me pictures of him hiking in Europe and Africa, along with a video of the one time he’d gone out dancing. He was smart. Adventurous, quiet.

Two big friend groups came together that night, packing the back room of our favorite bar. That’s where we eyed each other, biding our time, catching up with acquaintances. Finally he walked up and introduced himself. We spent the rest of the night side by side.

We knew what was going to happen.

We try to do it all by ourselves.

You don’t hear a lot of stories like this anymore. Everyone’s bumping, swiping, and grinding. We’ve outsourced one important factor in dating to a handful of apps and algorithms.

Nobody lets their friends set them up anymore.

You might even say we don’t have those kinds of close friends now. We’re so busy hustling, we don’t spend nights just hanging out. We don’t linger over dinners and then go somewhere else for ice cream or drinks. We think it’s all a big waste of time now.

You still need friends.

Gary Vee and everyone else is wrong. You shouldn’t close your eyes until your 30. You shouldn’t be working 12 hours a day churning out content or developing some personal brand.

You should be out making actual friends.

Some of us do (or did) spend a little too much time crawling from one bar to the next for hours on end. I regret some of that, but not all of it. Just sitting around coffeeshops on campus is how I wound up meeting half the city I lived in, and reading a lot of books.

This extended social circle is how I got dates. We played matchmaker with each other all the time.

Once in a while, it worked.

Even when it didn’t, dating around gave us valuable life experience. We gained insight into ourselves. We learned what we wanted, and what relationship skills we lacked.

You need other people to understand yourself.

One day I was reading through a Russian philosopher named Mikhail Bakhtin, waiting for my penultimate boyfriend to show up. That’s when I stumbled across a passage that changed everything I thought about love and identity. It also ended my relationship.

Here’s what he said:

Individualistic confidence in oneself, one’s sense of personal value, is drawn not from within, not from the depths of one’s personality, but from the outside world.
— Mikhail Bakhtin, Marxism and the Philosophy of Language

Basically, the story of who you are is told by other people — not just you. What we call an identity is the emergence of all of our social interactions and relationships, including the romantic ones.

This flies in the face of Western attitudes about identity. We’re always yapping about self-made this, self-made that.

My fiance at the time hated this critique. He argued with me about it for hours. He was a Neo-Platonist. I was postmodern. He thought I was corrupt to the core, and that he would save me with the Socratic method. He wound up just making himself mad.

A few months after that argument, we broke up.

Chalk it up to philosophical differences.

Your friends play a huge role in your love life.

Let’s stop pretending they don’t, or that they shouldn’t. You can’t kick your friends out of the bedroom — not figuratively. They’re in your head all the time. They inflect your thoughts.

They speak through you.
They shape your desires.
This is why you choose them carefully.

On a literal level, most of us want our friends to approve of our partners. We need them to get along. If someone can’t make it through a weekend with your friends or family, it’s a bad sign.

Your friends aren’t just appendages.

They’re you. They’re a reflection of your entire worldview. This is exactly something I tried to ignore in half my relationships. I didn’t think it was important if my friends had trouble getting along whoever I was dating. Who I dated was my choice.

Finally, my last failed relationship changed my mind.

He couldn’t survive a party with my friends. He got jealous. He threw tantrums over board games. He tried to one-up everyone during conversations. The nights usually ended with me having to calm him down and reassure him that we’d be okay.

We weren’t.

After the breakup, my friends decided to take matters into their own hands. They were going to jump-start my next love connection.

I didn’t take kindly to it at first.

I felt like I was being manipulated. It almost felt like an arranged marriage. But things clicked so fast, my protests died off.

You learn a lot by watching someone’s friends.

Our first date wasn’t dinner and a movie. It was brunch with a group of friends. He gave me a ride. Brunch was hosted by a marine who worked as a bartender and wrote poetry on the side.

He topped off everyone’s orange juice with vodka.

There must’ve been 20 people there. It was the best kind of first date. The tone was relaxed. We didn’t feel the need to say or do any of the usual first date crap. We got to see each other in action with our friends. Everyone was already treating us like a couple.

We wound up hanging out for most of the day, and I learned more about him than I’d learned about anyone in that amount of time. He listened to people. He made quirky observations. He made everyone feel good. He was fine staying just left of the spotlight. We weren’t just talking about ourselves, we were showing our real character.

It makes conventional dates go better.

We didn’t go on an official date until meeting each other at three different social events with lots of people. Then we went out for a simple dinner. The intimacy hit us right away.

Dinner turned into a long walk.

Soon we were holding hands. A few minutes later, we were kissing on a bench near a fountain.

We felt like we’d known each other for a long time. It wasn’t because of some quiz or a list of questions. It was because we had so many friends in common, and their history was our history.

It helped that he was really good looking.

Friends help you solve problems in a relationship.

You have to be careful who you share your business with. That doesn’t mean you should keep everything a secret.

Good friends can help with your relationships. Maybe they’re not a counselor, but they know you better than you think.

They know when you’re sabotaging yourself. They know what you want or need but won’t say out loud. Your partner’s friends know this too. They know their friends. They can share knowledge to help you both chisel around your obstacles. They can mediate.

When your partner does something strange, they can help you understand why. They can give you context.

They can even vouch for you.

Example:

My future husband’s mom wasn’t too sure about me at first. It was going to be a problem. She was afraid I’d break his heart. She didn’t know if I was virtuous enough, since I didn’t go to church.

His mom was a language arts teacher at a local high school. One day she mentioned me to one of the younger teachers, someone she trusted. She unloaded some of her worries. The younger teacher happened to be one of my best friends, going back ten years. I also knew his sister. We’d gone camping and hiking together all throughout college.

He said, “Jessica’s one of my favorite people.” Then he told her a few stories that put me in a positive light, and showed her I actually had a value system that didn’t hinge on organized religion.

In-law tension melted away. His mom actually gave me a chance, because we had a trusted friend in common. Maybe we would’ve worked through these problems on our own. But having that friend saved us from years of awkward Zoom calls and family dinners.

Don’t underestimate your friends.

We think it’s all on us to build love with someone. We think we have to start from scratch. Some of us might’ve even decided to turn our love life completely over to robots who judge our compatibility with someone based on the most superficial personality traits.

We don’t build friendships the way we used to. We invest so much time and energy into personal brands, even if we have nothing to sell. This could be the reason why so many people feel so profoundly alone.

It kills me that right now the parties and brunches where I finally stuck love can’t happen, and probably can’t for a long time. Over the last few years, I’ve let my own friendships wither a little.

When this is over, let’s get back to friendship. Let’s stop thinking everything we need comes from within, or from a screen.

We need friends. It’s never too late to go get some. Thanks to Dan Moore.

4 easy steps to making that connection.

I recently surveyed a bunch of my favorite single women friends and clients about what most impressed them about a man, and this is what they came back to me with:

Let’s break this down:

These men showed interest and respect by setting up a date and then not backing out at the last minute. They didn’t selfishly blab about themselves the entire time, and instead took time to ask their partner about herself. They were also honest about their intentions and aware of whether touch was okay.

These men did the absolute minimum to impress their dates, but, gentlemen, so few men even reach that minimum and, in a way, that’s great for you. This is the bar you have to meet or exceed to truly impress a special lady, and it’s not one that’s all that high.

None of these women mentioned that a guy had shoulders like an Olympic swimmer or a job bringing in $10k a month. They instead focused on what matters the most to women: how they’re treated.

Do at least these 4 things to stand out:

Even though it’s 2020, years of increasing gender equality hasn’t changed our dating preferences. Women would still prefer to be asked out, and men would still prefer to ask someone out.

You also may be surprised to know that many men simply won’t ask a woman out, even if it’s a relatively low-risk situation, such as asking out a strange over a dating app (if you can’t do it on a dating app, how are you going to do it in person?).

It’s risky to be utterly clear about your own interest. “Would you like to go out with me sometime?” is unambiguous. You can’t walk that back and say, “Oh, I was just wanting to ‘hang out’ as friends.” Nope. You’d have taken a risk that could fail.

What to go for a bonus? Set up a fun date, so even if you don’t end up having chemistry with her, at least you’ll have both enjoyed yourselves. Figure out if she knows something she could teach you or vice-versa (like skiing or playing ultimate frisbee), or if she’d like to try something new with you (like throwing axes).

You’re not going to like to hear this, but it’s a scientific fact:

There are statistically more single men than women. Numbers are all over the place, but in nearly every city in America, single men outrank single women. Further, women get to decide if a date progresses or not (Consent is sexy. Stalking, harassment, assault, rape, etc. are not.).

If there are fewer available women and those women are beings with their own thoughts and feelings, then you, as a single man, are automatically disadvantaged. You’ll need to acquiesce to your date more than you’re probably used to in other areas of your life.

While you may be used to expounding on your achievements while you’re at the gym or the office, it won’t work on a date. It’s actually in your best interest to keep the conversation focused on the lady.

In a study out of Stanford, they noted that “successful dates…were associated with women being the focal point and engaged in the conversation, and men demonstrating alignment with and understanding of the women.”

Some positive conversation tactics might be in using appreciative or sympathetic language (“Good for you!” or “That must have been hard.”) or in sharing related stories (she shares a story about her awful boss, and you share one too).

Quick tips: Look her in the eye. Put down your phone or, if you need to answer it, make sure to explain why you have to and ask if it’s okay. If you’ve been talking for more than 5 minutes, shut up because she’s likely already stopped listening to you.

If you’re asking her a lot of questions and she isn’t really answering, she’s not interested. If she’s asking you a ton of questions, it means she’s trying to save the conversation and you better start talking.

Placing your hand on your date’s lower back as you leave a restaurant or casually brushing her hand as you grab a napkin can help things physically progress. Many call this “breaking the touch barrier,” and it can spell that things will get more physical later.

A well-timed touch can go a long way, but an uninvited one can prove disastrous. You absolutely never want to see your date snatch their hand back or recoil from you.

She may look hot, but that doesn’t mean she wants to fuck you.
On the other hand, if she…

Read how to pick up on women’s more subtle cues, or reach out to some friends for help in assessing this.

In one study, 53% of online dating users lied on their profiles.

They pretended they were younger or taller or had a different job. They posted pictures of themselves from a time when they were thinner or had more hair. They said they were interested in a relationship when they just wanted a mute to regularly bang.

Whatever you do, be honest. You never want to disappoint your date.

If she thinks from your pictures that some gym rat with a full head of hair is going to saunter in but you’ve gotten a little squishy and bald, you better expect not to get a second date. It doesn’t matter how great your personality is. Also true if you decide to lie about your job and/or income. Unless you’re never going to see her again, the truth will come out, and it likely won’t be pretty either.

You should want a woman that wants you for whom you are right now.

You have an opportunity to be better than “average.” You could be goddamn stellar if you do some basic things and then expand on them.

Make that date, show up for that date, and then blow her mind with how respectful and attentive you are. Have pictures on your profile of you being cutely squishy and bald and show up to the restaurant being…squishy and bald! Learn the bare minimum, and seek to do way better.