The age you feel can be more significant than your actual birthdate, greatly influencing your physical and mental health. Many individuals perceive themselves as younger or older than their chronological age, with this “subjective age” impacting life choices and well-being.

Research indicates that a lower subjective age correlates with positive health outcomes, including a reduced risk of depression and better physical health. Studies show that feeling significantly older than one’s actual age can lead to a higher risk of death and greater disease burdens.

Interestingly, while younger subjective ages may foster energy and enthusiasm, they also come with increased conscientiousness and a sense of wisdom. Understanding the factors shaping our subjective experience can offer insights into how we perceive aging and its related health implications.

As we age, most people begin to feel younger than their years, reflecting a nuanced relationship between identity and societal perceptions about aging, which can influence our mental outlook and health. Age does not protect us From Love…
 But Love, to some extent, protects us from age. 

🎞VIDEO: You Are A RARE GEM | Buddhist Teachings.

Welcome to “The Journey Of Wisdom,” where timeless Buddhist teachings guide you to mindfulness, inner peace, and spiritual growth. In this video, we explore nine remarkable abilities that set apart individuals aged 70-80, highlighting the rare gems among us.

Discover the essence of Buddhism for you, with explanations and practical insights into Buddhist philosophy and practice. Learn what Buddhism truly means and how it can enrich your senior lifestyle and health. Embrace these teachings to cultivate a long, fulfilling life, even into your golden years.

VIDEO TIMESTAMPS:

DON’T SKIP – If You Are 70–80 Years Old and Can Still Do These 9 THINGS, You Are a RARE GEM | Buddhist Teachings
01:07 One: Your mind is still sharp, and you can see through people’s tricks.
04:36 Two: Your body is still in good shape.
08:26 Three: You have hobbies, and life is never boring.
12:17 Four: Continual Learning.
16:45 Five: Financial Stability.
20:31 Six: Broad-mindedness.
25:30 Seven: Strong Social Connections.
29:30 Eight: You can still communicate peacefully with your children.
33:09 Nine: Living with Purpose.
37:12 CONCLUSION: If You Are 70–80 Years Old and Can Still Do These 9 THINGS, You Are a RARE GEM | Buddhist Teachings

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The Right Answer According to Science, and Emotional Intelligence

​The key is to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

“I have good news and bad news,” I said. “The good news is the job is finished. We have all the trailers loaded. The paperwork is complete. It’s all ready to go. The bad news is the drivers got delayed and won’t pick up the trailers until tomorrow, which means we’ll miss the delivery date.”

He was right. It was a major problem. And so was the fact I led with the good news.

According to a 2013 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, most people with good and bad news to share prefer to share the good news first. (The researchers call it “priming emotion-protection,” a fancy way of saying, “maybe this won’t suck so bad if I ease into it.”

But the same study shows that most recipients of good and bad news prefer to hear the bad news first, if only because that reduces the worry factor: If I know bad news is coming, I’ll dwell on that — and be less likely to take seriously or pay much attention to the good news.

Maybe that’s because we tend to prefer stories with happy endings. (No research is necessary to confirm that statement, but hey: Here’s one study anyway.) Or maybe that’s because we prefer to be given possible solutions — instead of having to ask for them.

Here’s how I should have handled it. “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is the drivers got delayed, and the shipment is going to be late.

The good news is the job is finished, the trailers are loaded, the paperwork is complete, and we’ve worked out new arrangements with the warehouse. We’re going to send two trailers directly to their distribution facility in Pennsylvania so they can fulfill orders from there. While that will cost us a little more, it keeps the customer’s schedule intact.”

Granted, I could have gone the 1) good news, 2) bad news, 3) solution route and maybe gotten to a similar place.
But getting the bad news out of the way shifts the focus permanently to the good news, and then immediately to the potential solution.

And if you don’t have a potential solution, that’s okay: You’ve still teed up the recipient to weigh in, ask questions, and make an informed decision.

The next time you’re tempted to lead with the good news, take a page from the emotional intelligence playbook, put yourself in the recipient’s shoes, and deliver the bad news first.

While that might, for a few moments, feel less comfortable; the overall outcome will likely be better.
Which is what really matters.

For over 200,000 years, we’ve looked to the sky and the gods for answers.

We’ve studied the stars, accumulated the big bang, and even gone to the moon.

However, for all our efforts, we’re still left with the same existential question.  That is: Why do I exist? 

Really, it’s a fascinating question. It asks what it means to be human and if answered, should get to the core of how and why we live. However, in an interesting caveat, the answer can only be found within.

To quote the great philosopher, Carl Jung:

Indeed, it’s far easier to be told how to live than to decide how to live. However, your purpose is something you need to decide on your own.

And hence, Russian novelist, Fyodor Dostoyevsky has said, “The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for.”

Indeed, without vision and purpose, people perish. It is the struggle — the search and drive for something more that gives life meaning. Without a future to strive for, people rot away quick.

Thus, the purpose of life is not to be happy, but instead, to see how far one can go. It’s to be innately curious and to explore your own personal limits.

How do I know? Just look around you; everything on this planet is either growing or dying. So, why think you’re any different?

Interestingly, Dr. Gordon Livingston has actually said that humans need three things to be happy:

Similarly, Viktor E. Frankl has said,

Hence, happiness is not a cause but an effect. It’s the effect of living in alignment. It’s what happens when you’re living your daily life with purpose and priority.

This article is intended to help you arrive at that point.

According to Cal Newport, author of So Good They Can’t Ignore You, most people are all mixed up about what it takes to live a life of harmonious passion.

For example, most people mistakenly believe that passion is something they ought to actively seek out. That unless they’re intrinsically compelled by their work, then they can’t love what they do.

However, it’s not what you do that’s important. Instead, it’s what you do for others.
As Newport explains,

Indeed, rather than selfishly seeking a life you’re passionate about, you should be thinking about developing skills, products, and abilities that benefit the lives of others.

When you go beyond yourself, your skills and abilities are not just an individual sum of parts, instead, they become a part of a greater whole, and it is this that gives life meaning.

When begin to see your work have an effect on the lives of others, your confidence grows. As your confidence grows, you begin to deeply enjoy what you’re doing — you become more engaged with it, and eventually, you start to see your work as a “calling” or “mission.”

And hence why so many people who work in professions that have such a profound effect on other people’s lives, like doctors, psychiatrists, or teachers, for example, love what they do.

Also, why Cal Newport has said, “What you do for a living is much less important than how you do it.”

Or put more simply: Your passion is not something you need to “find” or “follow,” instead, your passion follows you. It’s a result of your mindset and behavior. Not the other way around.

In order to live this reality, however, you must realize that your life is about so much more than just yourself. It’s about giving back. It’s about pouring your all into it. It’s about finding something to love.

Which actually leads to the next point:

According to neuroscience research, the more you love someone, the more they’ll love you back. It makes sense; all our needs are the same. It is human nature to desire love and belongingness.

However, a little less talked about is the fact that love is not a noun but a verb. If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it.

And sadly, this happens all too often. We take our relationships for granted. We allow the busyness of life to take over and stop investing in the relationship.

However, if you truly love someone, you’ll show it. You’ll stop being self-centered and be who you need to be for that person

This isn’t necessarily just romantic relationships, but all relationships. Love transforms not just the receiver, but also the giver. So, why wouldn’t you?

Although no matter how powerful of a force love is, just having someone to love isn’t enough. You still have to live out your own dreams and desires.

As Grant Cardone has said:

Which takes us to the next point:

The research is clear: as people, we are happiest in anticipation of an event, rather than living the actual event itself.

Hence, you need a vision. You need something to look forward to. You need a goal in which are you exerting conscious and daily effort.

Keep in mind that it is the vision, not the goal that brings meaning. Hence, once you hit one, you need another. These are something you should never stop doing.

As Dan Sullivan has said,

However, not get too far ahead, what is your vision now?

It’s powerful to not to think of these in terms of where you are now, but instead, where you want to be. See, many people become limited by the goals they can see in their history.

However, you shouldn’t let your current circumstances stop you from creating something far more powerful.

As Hal Elrod said,

Indeed, you are both the designer and the creator of your life experience. Each must be bold and powerful. So, where do you intend to go?

What I learned from introducing myself to a stranger every day for a month

When I knocked on Dave’s* door — my next-door office neighbor who I hadn’t spoken to in the three months since he moved in — I could see the look in his eyes. It was that predictably awkward moment when he was trying to figure out why some random stranger was interrupting his day.

“I just wanted to introduce myself” I blurted out. “Are you in the middle of something?” Then, sensing that this was a friendly encounter, my interruption seemed to come as a relief from the mind-numbing real estate sales calls he was in the middle of. “No,” he responded, “I’m just making some calls.”

From there, we went on to engage in some office chit-chat, but perhaps more importantly, we planted a small seed of friendship.

All month long, this scenario repeated itself over and over as I tried to find one stranger every day to introduce myself to and, hopefully, plant a small seed of friendship.

But I would be lying if I said it felt natural. Honestly, nearly every time I initiated a conversation with a stranger, it felt awkward. At least for the first minute or two, after which, people tended to warm up and appreciate me taking the time to have a conversation with them that was more than just a transaction.

I’m not a naturally gregarious extrovert. At best, I’m an ambivert, who tends toward introversion. I’m perfectly happy to curl up with a book for days on end. In fact, when we moved in November of my kindergarten year to a new house and a new school, my mom swears by the story that my new kindergarten teacher told her that I didn’t speak to another student until the very last day of school. (Not exactly a raging extrovert.)

Which brings me to why I decided to throw myself into the arms of discomfort (yet again) in trying to become more skilled at something that’s outside my comfort zone. Why on earth would I subject myself to the voluntary torture of risking social rejection, with all the unknowns and uncertainties it entails?

Well, for starters, I’d like more friends. And I’m guessing you would, too.

Friendship is one of the most life-giving, meaning-enhancing, happiness-boosting things we can fill our life with. In fact, based on the longest-running study of all time on happiness, researchers at Harvard have shown it’s the strength of our relationships that predicts the most satisfying, healthiest, and happiest lives. And Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad’s research has shown that how many conversations we have in our day — what she calls “social integration” — is a stronger predictor for how long we’ll live than whether we’re overweight, whether we exercise, or whether we quit smoking.

So why is it so hard to prioritize making friends as an adult? Is there a price we have to pay to overcome the fear (or straight-up inertia) of planting those friendship seeds?

“Don’t talk to strangers!” I must have heard it a thousand times growing up — those scary, unknown, possibly dangerous humans we call strangers. The problem is that, with a moment of self-reflection, you realize that to the 99.9% of other humans on this planet, you’re one of those scary strangers, too.

But how could that be? You’re not scary, ill-intentioned, or maleficent. And, of course, the probability is that the vast majority of those who we think of as strangers are just like you — good people, trying to figure out how to pay their bills, take care of their families, and do a bit of good in the world.

Which is exactly the insight that led Dr. Nicholas Epley and colleagues, at the University of Chicago, to run an experiment about talking to strangers on buses.

To Dr. Epley, happiness is all around us — all day, every day — in the form of strangers. If conversations with others are a meaningful source of happiness, Dr. Epley wondered, what would happen if you asked people to get onto a bus, deliberately sit next to a stranger, introduce themselves, and try to keep a conversation going during their commute?

In a set of nine different experiments, this is exactly what Epley and colleagues did. But, as good scientists, they first wanted to know what the people in the experiment expected those conversations to feel like. And sure enough, they expected the interactions to feel awkward, unpleasant, and like they were going to feel like a bother to the other person.

As it turns out, their expectations were exactly wrong. By the end of the conversation, they rated their commute as more pleasant and enjoyable when they chit-chatted with a perfect stranger than when they just kept to themselves.

Let that soak in. Their brains made a prediction: “This is going to be awful.” Then they did the “awful” thing and found that it was highly enjoyable. In science lingo, we call this a “prediction error.” In normal language, we call this: your brain lying to you.

So why do we resist the very thing that brings joy, health, and meaning to our lives?

The most common word people use when trying to describe social interactions that are uncomfortable is: awkward. In fact, if you use Google’s Ngrams search, the word “awkward” seems to have had a serious usage spike in the last twenty or so years. It seems as though in our attempts to put a label on how we feel, we’ve elevated a word that was less popular, even two decades ago.

So as we’ve become more and more lonely, we’ve simultaneously used the word awkward more and more. I’m not trying to point to causality, but I don’t think this is necessarily a coincidence.

So what would it feel like to embrace that small moment of awkwardness in the service of the bigger goal of developing friendships?

That’s what this last month taught me over and over again. Because it wasn’t just my new next-door office neighbor, Dave. There was Tory*, who every time I see him in our shared office hallway now shouts my name with a big smile and a hello. There’s Evelyn*, with her warm smile who always asks how I’m doing, making any day a little brighter.

There were practical benefits, like a good haircut recommendation I got from Becky* a hairstylist in our building, and good bike advice and know-how from Mark*, who runs a bike shop in our town. There was the twenty-minute conversation with Barbara*, who needs help for her son, who’s a veteran and suffering from PTSD. I didn’t give her any silver bullets, but I was able to point her in the direction of a handful of resources that might be useful.

There was John*, whose transmission went out at the entrance of a rotary/roundabout and who mostly just needed a bit of help calming his nerves and cooling his head while we called to get him the help he needed.

This list could go on. But the point is I was shocked to see what grew in my friendship garden after a single month. Each budding relationship flowed from my daily challenge of initiating a conversation with one stranger per day. Not only did I feel less lonely; it felt like others felt less lonely, too.

But it wasn’t free. If I had followed the familiar grooves of my daily routine (which are far more comfortable), none of this would have happened.

But it wasn’t very hard, either. All it took was initiating the conversation instead of waiting for someone to initiate it with me. It cost me roughly 1–2 minutes of emotional discomfort at the beginning of each conversation, but the awkwardness almost always melted away into genuine goodwill and a new seed of friendship.

If the Harvard study on happiness is right — that strong relationships are the key to a life well-lived — I’ll gladly pay the price of 1–2 minutes of awkwardness any day of the week.

How do you view your family?

When asked these questions, many people spout right into the greeting card virtues they have been coached to cite. They exclaim that family is everything and that they would be nothing without their families. Some even go so far as to say, “Without family, you have nothing at all.”

It’s a sentiment that feels true…unless you live in a toxic or dysfunctional family. In that world, things are different. They are always at odds.

That’s one of the most dangerous things about family cliches like the ones above. We cling to them as truth, but they conceal much darker realities beneath the surface. Feel-good phrases do little to improve the dangerous cycles that repeat within emotionally broken and narcissistic families.

So what can be done? Nothing until we learn to stand in the truth, away from the deceptive family delusions we sell to ourselves and future generations of children around the world.

The beginning of the toxic family narrative.

The idea that the biological family is an absolute must-have root in the very earliest days of humanity. You can track it through the evolution of the human species. Coming down from the trees, we relied on groups of other hominids to stay safe. As the human species grew and evolved into nomadic, hunter-gatherer communities, these family groups became even more important for the very basics of survival.

Fast forward to the earliest agrarian societies. Complicated hierarchies were necessary to keep these first cities and towns running. The family group changed but kept its central focus throughout the classic, dark, and middle ages. A family was necessary to feed yourself, clothe yourself, and protect yourself from the most brutal aspects of life.

Those without a family — even 100 years ago — were left vulnerable and exposed. They had no one to support them through the earliest years of life, no one to champion them or connect them with the opportunities that would allow them to provide for themselves.

As social creatures, we humans have a need for community. We thrive when we are part of a healthy, interconnected environment. But this need has been twisted into a deadly narrative. The narrative is that your biological family must take priority, even over your own mental and emotional health. Even over physical safety.

These early survival instincts have turned into a modern nightmare, with toxic and abusive families using this concept to force misery on members generation after generation. It’s become the mantra of the modern family cult. Family comes first. Even if it destroys you.

How our “family first” mentality has inflicted tremendous harm on all of us.

Accepting the truth isn’t easy. All those Hallmark cliches we like to spout about our families and their meaning in our lives? It’s a lie when you look at the abusive dynamics that so many are left to suffer with.

Most begin their most toxic relationship patterns in families who try to break their offspring. We can see the reality in that when we accept the many ways in which our traditional family narratives have created dangerous environments.

One of the hardest tasks in this world is overcoming the damage inflicted by a dysfunctional childhood. The trauma children sustain follows them throughout their adult lives, shaping their careers and relationships through twisted beliefs, and annihilated nervous systems. Some people never make it out of the trauma loop that starts from the day they are born. The gaslighting they experience has a lot to do with that.

Narratives like “family over everything” or “family no matter what” can create beliefs that turn survivors away from the reality of their own experiences. They learn to gaslight themselves because they are told that the family is above question and never to be denied.

That’s a dangerous path to walk. If the family is considered to be holy and good at all times, then all negative feelings associated with them are wrong. It sets children up in a powerless position which can turn them into powerless adults. They learn how to deny themselves and the way they feel — all in the name of the family — before they even form their own identities.

Families have become hiding places for some of the most heinous abusers. As a society we spend a lot of time pointing fingers at the dangers of the outside world, but some of the most destructive experiences children have to originate in their homes. Narratives like “family first” have made the modern family a breeding ground for abusers, who use their families as both supply and shields.

The family-first narrative pushes the idea that the family must be protected…no matter what, at all costs. This includes moments of abuse and harm, which are caused intentionally by monstrous people who seek to avoid accountability (and justice).

Abusers are able to pull rank. I’m your father. I’m your mother. They are the only parents you have. This is the narrative used by the toxic family to turn their victims into villains. If you tell, you’ll tear apart the family, and then no one will love you. There are few places easier for abusers to conceal themselves. They feed on the secrecy that “family over everything” creates.

Toxic ideas breed toxic behaviors. It’s really as simple as that. The family-first belief system is a part of this toxic breeding. By lifting the family up onto a near-sacred pedestal, infallible perceptions are created. Everything that family does is put beyond questioning. Worse, the worst behaviors exhibited can be concealed behind a deception of “care”.

If the family is put on a pedestal beyond question, then those at the “head” of the family are inherently unquestionable too. God dynamics are created, and these one-sided power relationships foster abusive, toxic, and dysfunctional dynamics.

Consider the narcissistic parent who leans into the storyline of family above all else. They know that it’s the perfect place to hide their worst behaviors. This twisted family dynamic empowers them to create a squeaky-clean public life and chaos behind closed doors. The entire family learns to toe the line expected of them (or else).

Toxic people and abusers flock to environments where there is no accountability. They inherently breed dysfunction. The family which is beholden to old-school narratives of loyalty is the ideal place to create scapegoats and a playground of misery.

The generational costs are really what’s at stake when we talk about toxic family narratives. Families are where the future is fostered. The children they raise become the people who lead, the people who invent, and the people who run the countries and communities we call home. The healthier those children are physically, mentally, and emotionally — the better our future becomes. Likewise, the opposite is true.

Every traumatized, broken, hurting generation of people that is created is weaker than the last. It’s not even an emotional game anymore. We know, factually, that trauma changes the DNA of offspring in toxic and chaotic families.

Toxic family beliefs play a core role in the perpetuation of these broken generations. Placing the family unit in some kind of ethereal place means no real changes can be made to it. It can be warped into whatever weapon of chaos the designers of that family want it to be.

Until we embrace a “family is no better than anyone else” or “family gets no special treatment” approach, we will continue to find abusers sending broken people into the world to create more broken people.

Can we break the cycle and create healthier beliefs?

It seems an impossible mountain to climb. Humans have spent generations feeding the idea that the family must get a special allowance. We’ve kept secrets for generations until they rotted our connections from the inside out. How do we break centuries of conditioning? Family traditions? Is it even possible for us to create healthier beliefs? Yes. If we can learn to hold ourselves and our families to higher standards.

• Hold ourselves to higher standards: The family changes we so desperately need won’t come until we ourselves start to change from within. We have to hold ourselves to higher standards, as people, parents, and members of our own families. That means seeking more compassionate behavior in ourselves, but more honesty too. We have to have better limits in what we will put up with (in terms of family).
• Hold everyone to higher standards: Once we start holding ourselves to higher standards of accountability and behavior, we can look outward. What are we accepting from others? It’s time for us to hold our families as accountable as anyone else in our lives. That admits admitting when they’re wrong and seeing our families as humans rather than infallible gods.
• Celebrate iron-clad boundaries: Boundaries are a bad word in most families. Why? Because it means saying no to people who think that the role of family entitles them to the physical and emotional labor of everyone around them. That’s precisely why boundaries need to be celebrated and enforced in families, however. We must be able to draw the line in order to create healthier family beliefs and behaviors in the future.

We are all a part of a family, whether born or chosen. The change we seek in those families can begin with us. First, in what we are willing to accept from our own families, and next in the behaviors and beliefs we hold ourselves up to. Instead of seeing the lines in the sand as shame-worthy, we have to see them as the fence lines that protect the future.

The word family comes with a lot of expectations, especially in a society that feeds the belief that the family is a holy or sacred experience. We build our parents and our siblings up on impossible pedestals, seeking fairy tale experiences that do not and cannot exist. These expectations are toxic, and they reinforce the most abusive and corrosive elements of human behavior.

If our goal is truly to create a safer and healthier future for our children, then a change must occur. It’s not enough to pay lip service anymore. Perceptions must be changed.

Our families are not more entitled to our joy than anyone else. They are not allowed to make us miserable or to undermine the quality of our lives, all because we share blood or close connections with one another. Start setting boundaries, no matter the family, no matter what they ask of you. Do it not for you, but for a better future with better families.

My dad and I have been watching the Star Wars movies in chronological order this week. What I love about it is the focus on “The Force” which, to me, is a fairly accurate representation of how all life is created, how things manifest, and how it is all connected.

It makes me chuckle that so many of the characters in the movie (and people watching it) think of it The Force as a fictional or imaginary thing only.

What I also love about the movies is that the battles never seem truly over. It’s a great reminder that — on this physical plane — we are never really done. Good never truly “wins” over bad because they are two sides of the same coin, which is continually flipping over and over; where one story ends another begins.

With each spin of the coin, each new chapter, each new book, perhaps we learn more. However, as I learn more, I also discover that what I don’t know becomes clearer, vaster, and seems infinite. Feeling into “the force”/my intuition/center of peace/heart center/divine consciousness perhaps seems to me a very sensible way to navigate life.

Regardless of what one believes, when meditating and contemplating from a point of stillness, it is quite simply far easier to reach good, solid decisions than it is when I act in anger, fear or resentment, or some other form of unhelpful emotion.

So much of life is reflected in movies, good and bad. The weather here in New Zealand has been so bad this week that another movie we watched was the new one starring Tom Hanks, A Man Called Otto, which was an excellent portrayal of the good and bad in ordinary life.

One octogenarian’s review I thought was rather poignant “I can be a curmudgeon, not an intentional one but one worn down by constant change and a slipping away of one’s past. Life’s successes and tragedies form us all if we make the distance and Tom Hanks showed how a once young man in love can change into an Otto today”.

I really resonated with his comment that “the drab setting and snow were brightened by the one thing we are all craving — kindness”.

Yes, I see, hear, and sense meaning in everything. Some people say I overanalyze, but I am happy to trust that I will probably never know the vast majority of meanings. Life has presented me with enough information though, many times over, to know that the things that eventually come together in my life are most often a series of an unexplained, unpredicted chain of events that leads me to trust in following my intuition, major or minor.

Just today I was driving to a garden center and, as I passed by another one on the way, I felt an intuitive tug towards it but carried on with my original plan as the one I was passing is often really busy. A few miles down the road I hit traffic and, after the queue not moving for some time, turned around and went back to the one I had passed.

Because it was so rainy, the place was actually pretty empty, so we ate a delicious lunch (the cafe had a much better variety of food than the one we had been heading for) and I got the two houseplants I was after with ease (after thinking the other garden center would be better stocked).

I could have sat there in that queue of traffic for another ten minutes, or longer, but instead, I decided to go with the flow, and follow my intuition back to the other garden center; and I’m really glad I did. I know it’s a benign example, but there are so many of these every day.

I suspect there are many examples of where we talk ourselves into things or out of things, which start then become harder and harder because they are bucking our flow. Like Tom Hanks as Otto trying to commit suicide three times, each attempt foiled by unsuspecting neighbors who give him an opportunity to live his last weeks/months on Earth embracing life and feeling more completion, in the bosom of kind neighbors and warm friendships, before naturally passing on.

In particular, his neighbor Marisol makes a huge impression on him. In a life where he sees so many things are “idiotic” and so many people acting like “idiots”, Marisol is persistent, relentlessly kind, and unexpectedly emotionally honest, forcing him to take a hard look at how he is acting.

I can’t help but feel we make life hard for ourselves by so often “trying to do the right thing” rather than feeling what is right for us at that moment. More and more I embrace the saying my gran repeated many times “what’s for you won’t go by you”, more and more I trust in that Force, flow, and serendipitous moment.

Where in your life can you see examples of this? What are your intuitive nudges telling you? Is it time to leverage the astonishing power of your intuition, flow, and kindness (towards yourself as much as others)? May we all be a Marisol and have a Marisol in our lives, and may The Force be felt by all.

But need to understand to attract the women they want.

What is it that women find incredibly attractive in men? You might think of money, looks, a successful career, maybe a great sense of humor, or being a good partner. Well, each and every one of these attributes gets you female attention.

But the question I have for you is a little more straight: what do you want to attract a woman with?

Now, this might sound strange at first. I get it, it didn’t make sense to me until I had a closer look at unhappy relationships, including why people got together. If it’s money, I can tell you it won’t make you happy:

Money creates an uneven relationship. If you spend time with her, she gets used to it and might overlook your flaws, which gives her a later reason to leave you for another guy with more money.

Does this story sound familiar to you? Well, it’s the sad truth for many men and women who thought they could buy themselves into a loving relationship.

Finding out the truth much later is a painful experience I don’t want you to have. So it’s better to set the record straight and start with an honest foundation of trust and build a solid friendship before you jump into an expensive relationship.

Paying for expensive dates is a bad habit. If done correctly (awfully), you end up paying for the relationship. As soon as the money thins out, you’ll lose a woman’s interest in the next best guy.

Expensive dates attract gold diggers. A woman might date you just for the experience and not for yourself. Also, the most expensive date locations offer little to no space to get to know each other.

It is a fact that many women are attracted to men who can afford to take them on extravagant dates.

However, this creates a problem because it can lead to women dating men they aren’t really interested in as more than just friends. They’re just using them for their money!

Now, you might argue that that’s how you get with women, but have you ever wondered why rich man exchange their women so often or fail to keep up with a woman? Well, it has something to do with money and personality. Let’s focus on the money bit first.

Countless celebrity horror-dating stories confirm this sad reality. You shouldn’t expect love, commitment, or a meaningful relationship. The more you spend, the higher you lose. Why? Think about the position you’re putting yourself in.

Money has a personality of its own. It attracts people — not just women, for no good reason. You might ask, why? The answer is simple. Everyone dreams about winning a ticket to the lottery.

Other people might see you as their lottery ticket. That isn’t just limited to women, friends, acquaintances, and even your family could try their luck and convince you to spend money on them.

If you’re trying to impress someone with your wealth, they might see you as a source of income — which isn’t exactly romantic. And if you’re trying to impress someone who values experiences over material goods? Well, then you might be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Expensive dates attract gold diggers. A woman might date you just for the experience and not for yourself. Also, most expensive date locations offer little to no space to get to know each other.

It hurts to realize that people just like you for your money. What’s the best cure? Well, I argue for the band-aid method. Once you realize someone likes you for the money, plan your relationship exit.

The faster you move, the better it is for you. Avoid unnecessary drama and pointless arguments. Just know who you’re dealing with and dedicate less time and money to them.

If you really want to know, stop spending. Who sticks with you around? Spending less is the only thing you need to do to get your answer.

Back to the top, money isn’t the answer. It never has been or will be part of genuine relationships. If you use the money to attract people, you lose their interest as quickly as you stop spending. And if someone is just with you for the money to keep their attention. So what else have you got?

Are looks the answer? The suggestion of working on your looks caught some of you on the wrong foot. I tried my best to point out that women don’t want to have the picture-perfect man, but there are simple hacks that drastically improve your looks.

For instance, you can…

• Work on your confidence. Confidence is what makes you attractive. Men and women are equally attracted to confident people. If you like to be treated better and considered to be more attractive, work on your confidence. Also, pair your confidence with a good sense of humor to boost your attractivity.

The first step is to stop worrying about your looks and start focusing on your personality. If you’re confident, have a good sense of humor, and are willing to take some risks in life, you will make women feel comfortable around you.

• Dress up. You should dress a little better than anyone around you. That can be as simple as wearing proper shoes instead of flip-flops or putting a white shirt on instead of a regular T-shirt. It’s not about glam or style. It’s about putting a little more effort into your looks:

It’s also important to dress well when you go out. Don’t try too hard — there’s nothing worse than being overdressed when it comes to meeting women — but don’t go out in shorts and flip-flops either! You need to look put together and ready for anything while also being able to relax and enjoy yourself.

• Increase your natural attractivity. You have features that make you naturally more attractive. If you struggle to find them, think about the compliments you’ve received in the past. What do people — women like praise you for? If you can’t think of anything, acquire new skills and qualities that make people attractive.

If you’re not naturally attractive and don’t have any special skills or qualities that make you stand out, then it’s up to you to work on your appearance so that women will find you desirable.

• Avoid games. Games mess with people. They might be fun at first, but as soon as you feel the pain after someone played with you, you understand how much it hurts. Instead of playing games, be authentic. Now, authenticity has its price. It can be painful too, but it’s more rewarding in the long run because it attracts authentic people.

Some people think they have to be a certain way or do certain things, but the truth is that it’s not about any sort of “game” or manipulation.

It’s just about being yourself and allowing yourself to be vulnerable around her — and paying attention to her feelings. The more you can do this, the more likely it is that she’ll trust you and want to have sex with you.

Be calm. Being balanced and calm increases your attractiveness like nothing else. You’ll shine compared to all the emotionally weak, unbalanced, and troubled men. Being mindful is about doing, saying, and responding less. Meditation can help, but it’s not necessary to achieve mindfulness — a shift in thinking is good enough.

Actually, meditation isn’t about doing something:

It’s a common misconception that meditation is about doing something. But meditation isn’t about doing. It’s about not doing. We’re always busy doing something or being someone. We hardly take the time to be nothing and focus on our energy. Alan Watts helped me find that energy(…)

You’re not trying to accomplish or achieve something. You’re not trying to be a better person, or get somewhere in your life, or make friends with your coworkers — you’re just trying to let go of all that stuff for a little while and disappear into nothingness.

It’s true — women want to be with somewhat attractive men. Stating this in a previous story earned me harsh criticism. But I won’t deny it, because I know that men want to be with somewhat attractive women. So, the goal here is to care more and not less.

Work on your appearance, personality, and communication skills. Your improvement will make you more attractive and get you on the radar of more women. The harder you work on yourself, the better you get. Putting in a little extra work might make you more successful.

Do you care about a woman’s success? Answer this question honestly before you continue reading.

I guess we can agree that success is appealing, but if we take a closer look, we see that’s not the success, but the personality of the successful person that we’re attracted to.

Success requires confidence, bravery, and personal strength. All three of them are very attractive qualities in a partner. Successful people are generally better at handling stress and making tough decisions — two more hot qualities!

Women are attracted to men with good strong characters because those guys are more likely to be able to provide for their families.

But that doesn’t mean women want to be with someone who’s a complete jerk and doesn’t care about her needs. No, she wants a man who is just as concerned about how he looks as she is.

So overall, it’s less about success and more about personality. The good news is that you can acquire all these qualities without being successful. Actually, acquiring them won’t limit your future success for women. Personal development touches all parts of life if you let it.

 It isn’t money, looks, or success but personality. 

If you improve on a personal level, life rewards you. You will achieve personal, professional, and financial success. The harder you work on yourself, the more likely you’re to succeed in life. The good news is that success translates from one branch to another.

Overall, personal development is the only thing that you should be concerned about. Stop worrying about the women you’re not with. Embrace what you have and work on what you want.

Or who you want to be with and why you want to be with you? I’ve already answered your questions. So, pay attention to what you attract women with.

Can an average man boost his attractiveness? Yes, he, pardon me, you can. There’s no need to be exceptionally good-looking, smart, or young — being average is more than enough IF YOU APPLY THE RIGHT STRATEGY.

In other words, hacking your behavior with simple strategies positively impact your success with women of all ages. As a woman, I know what women are looking for in men. Hint: all women desire an attractive man.

If you want to be more persuasive start by listening

It’s a noisy world. We’re constantly bombarded with noise and chatter, whether it’s a commercial blaring on the television screen or a co-worker who never stops chattering. Such unrelenting noise can make quiet people feel uncomfortable and out of place.

If you happen to be naturally quiet, or even introverted, you might feel like a stranger in this land of noise and chatter. But there are benefits to talking less and listening more. Sometimes quiet people who are attentive listeners have the advantage. Here are some benefits of listening more and talking less.

Listening is a sign of respect, while talking non-stop chatter may be a sign of insecurity. Some people talk because they need to fill the silence, while others chatter because they like the attention. People who talk more seek the approval that comes from being heard. They want to feel good about their opinions and contributions, so they often talk more than they listen.

If you spend time with someone who talks constantly but doesn’t listen (and doesn’t care if they interrupt others), you could be dealing with someone with low self-esteem. Because these chatty people lack confidence in their thoughts and ideas, they feel compelled to fill the silence with their voices — even at the expense of others.

On the other hand, people perceive good listeners as having high self-esteem because they don’t need validation from others. So, if you’re interested in building your self-confidence (and becoming less needy), work on listening more than talking. You don’t have to be the center of attention to command the respect of others. People love a good listener!

Listening is a path to learning from those who are more experienced. When you pause and open your ears and mind to what people say, you gain valuable insights that can enhance the quality of your life. In contrast, constant talk and chatter block out other people’s words, so you don’t learn new things or come up with novel ideas. When you have a conversation with someone, take something away from the conversation that you can apply to your own life. Listening is a path to discovery!

When you practice good listening skills, you’ll be better able to solve problems and build stronger relationships. If you want to be the best you can be, listen and learn. It’ll help you make better decisions in your life by learning from the experiences of others.

If you’ve ever disagreed with a spouse or co-worker (and who hasn’t?), you know how frustrating it can be. Each side struggles to get its viewpoint across, and neither is listening. But if you listen to what the other person says, you can understand where they’re coming from and how they feel about a situation.

Once you gain greater insight and understanding, you can work together to find a solution that works for both of you. Listening also makes the other person feel heard and respected and reduces tension during an argument. It helps defuse stress and anger.

When you listen more and talk less, you gain a deeper understanding of the feelings of others. People know and appreciate it when you listen to them at a deeper level. Doing so builds stronger relationships with the people you care about and work with.

Listening also builds trust and creates stronger bonds and friendships. You’ll also develop empathy for others’ perspectives and experiences, which will help you better connect with other people on an emotional level, so they feel more comfortable sharing ideas with you.

Being a non-stop talker pushes people away, and they’re less likely to see you as a team player who works well with others. The conversation is about giving and taking, so each side can express an opinion. Being a good listener is a prerequisite for working well with businesses, organizations, and teams and can open up new opportunities for you. When you listen well and only offer thoughtful responses, you’re an asset, and people take notice.

Being a good listener has its own rewards and advantages. The ability to listen well can help you develop stronger relationships with others, gain new insights into yourself and others, and even improve your career prospects. Make a conscious effort to truly listen and not think about your next response. It sounds counter-intuitive, but if you want to be more persuasive, start by listening.

Psychopaths and Narcissists Aside.

Many of us are committed to the idea that, from a moral perspective, we ought to consider others’ interests when we act and not just consider our own interests. But how far should we take this approach if we want to live well and be morally good? Should we give even more consideration to others’ interests than to our own – that is, should we strive to be highly altruistic?

Based on a wave of recent research findings, you might think this is definitely a good idea. After all, when you act altruistically, these studies suggest it benefits those you are helping. Still, it also rebounds and benefits you psychologically and physically, improving your health and increasing your lifespan. This line of work has captured the popular imagination, prompting headlines such as ‘The Physiological Power Of Altruism’ and the Helper’s High.”

However, recent research shows that the story is more complicated than that. The main issue is that not all highly altruistic orientations are created equal. Different motivations drive people’s altruism, and these different reasons vary in their consequences.

Consider a vital driver of some people’s altruism – a trait known in psychology as ‘unmitigated communion. Imagine someone who has a low opinion of themselves and worries that others see them that way too. They disregard their own needs to devote themselves to their partner, children, neighbors, and interests. They become obsessively involved in these other peoples’ concerns and center their whole life around them to the point that if these others are removed from the picture – their partner passes on, or the children or neighbors move away – they have no idea where to begin in making a life of their own. Perhaps you know or have known someone like this in your own life.

Unmitigated communion involves the tendency to sacrifice one’s own interests to promote others’ interests, so, in this way, it is highly altruistic. Yet, crucially, this self-sacrifice arises because the person entangles their own happiness with others’ happiness to an extreme. They act to benefit others because they feel that others can’t get on without them, worry excessively about others, and feel that they can’t be happy unless others are happy.

Others-centered people are more satisfied with their lives, experience more meaning, and are better able to cope with stress.

Research confirms that people who score highly in unmitigated communion also tend to score higher in trait neuroticism (emotional instability) and experience more stress. My colleagues and I have also found that they score low on what’s known as ‘self-differentiation.’ People low in self-differentiation have difficulty balancing intimacy and autonomy in close relationships and are highly emotionally reactive to others’ experiences, finding it difficult to remain calm when others’ emotions are heightened. Low self-differentiation, like unmitigated communion itself, is related to depression, anxiety, and stress.

This research on unmitigated communion is an essential corrective to the simplistic idea that altruism comes in one flavor and is always good for you. Of course, this raises the question of what a healthier variety of altruistic dispositions might look like. We know from research that people are happier when they give a benefit to someone else than when they give it to themselves. But what’s necessary for our purposes is why they experience more happiness. My colleagues and I believe there’s another critical driver of altruistic behavior: feeling happier when benefitting others because this fosters positive relationships – a trait that we call ‘others-centredness.’

For an idea of what this trait looks like in practice, consider a story from 2018 when the world was captivated by news of a soccer team who had been stuck in a cave in Thailand. The team’s 25-year-old coach, Pi Ekk, insisted on helping every team member be rescued before allowing himself to be rescued. One of the players later remarked that this was not surprising because coach Ekk always thought of others before himself, consistently being the last to drink water at a team practice. Perhaps Ekk was exhibiting others-centredness, valuing his own rescue and that of team members equally, but preferring to help them be rescued first because of the additional value involved in showing care for them.

 It is an excellence of character.  it is just as valuable for themselves to be happy as it is for anyone else to be happy. They tend to agree with questionnaires such as: ‘My wellbeing matters no more and no less than anyone else’s.’ But they also value having positive relationships with others. This is reflected when they agree with statements such as: ‘It is valuable when people cooperate with each other.’ The combination of these factors leads them to prioritize benefitting others rather than themselves, so they agree with statements such as: ‘I prefer to secure a benefit for someone else than to secure it for myself.’

The highly altruistic nature of others-centredness is evident in our research findings, as you would expect. People who score more highly on our measure of others-centredness are more forgiving, kind, fair, and honest. They are also more empathetic, more altruistic, and more agreeable. They volunteer more and are more civically engaged – and, in a test we gave them that involved sharing money, they tended to give more to their partner.

Crucially, it’s not just that people high in others-centredness benefit others – their lives seem to go better for themselves, too, in a way that is more consistent with those popular headlines about altruism but is different from what we would expect with unmitigated communion. We’ve found that other-centered people are more satisfied with their lives, experience more meaning in their lives than their counterparts, and are better able to cope with stress. They also tend to score lower on negative variables such as neuroticism and low self-differentiation. In short, others-centredness appears to keep the positive associations of putting others first while avoiding the drawbacks.

Several studies have found that people are happier benefitting others than benefitting themselves.

If others-centredness is a sweet spot for altruism, and you’re not there already, you might wonder what you can do to move closer. While I’m optimistic that this sort of movement is possible in light of research on volitional personality change, I can’t offer a firm answer here, as this is a topic we are just beginning to actively explore. Yet two natural suggestions seem like decent possibilities to me.

The first involves reflecting on your own behavior and motives. When you are inclined to benefit others, are you doing it for reasons more reflective of unmitigated communion or for reasons more reflective of others-centredness? If you are acting from a place of worry, getting overly involved, or feeling you can’t be happy without taking control of the other person, you might want to reconsider the behavior. Your motives might not always be evident to you, of course, but sometimes you might be able to spot and correct problematic motives when they arise.

Secondly, it could be helpful to plan ahead and put yourself into situations where you’ve decided beforehand that you will benefit others rather than yourself. Perhaps you could make a plan that you’ll give others first dibs the next time there is a plate of sweets in the break room at the office. Or perhaps you can plan to give way to your partner the next time there is a conflict in your shared calendar.

In these ways, you’ll experience the satisfaction of helping others and learn to value such an approach to life. Bear in mind that, in several studies that have found that people are happier benefitting others than benefitting themselves, participants were simply assigned to the condition of benefitting others. It might not have been what they would have chosen for themselves at the moment, yet they still experienced greater satisfaction.

Giving yourself the chance to experience this satisfaction is important because it will help correct people’s tendency to underestimate how much they and others will appreciate the small connections forged together. If you can correct this tendency and learn to value the relationships, you facilitate by acting out of concern for others’ interests, this could help you move closer to others-centredness – to altruism’s sweet spot.

Good character is something everyone looks for in other people.

Whether they are employees, students, friends, or potential dating partners. Sometimes called character strengths, these are the good qualities that people possess—a collection of positive traits that show people’s strengths—rather than a compilation of their faults and issues.

According to those who practice positive psychology, good character is exemplified in 24 widely-valued character strengths that are organized under six broad virtues. These 24 character strengths were first studied and identified by Dr. Martin Seligman and Dr. Neil Mayerson.

Together, they eventually created the Values In Action (VIA) Institute on Character, which identifies these character strengths that all people have in varying degrees. Later, a team of 50 social scientists identified six virtues, which are now used to classify the character strengths.

Typically, those who use a character strength inventory look for ways to identify and use these 24 character strengths in a person’s life. Then, they help them build on these strengths in order to improve their lives and their emotional well-being as well as address the challenges and difficulties they are facing.

A person’s character strengths are determined using the VIA Inventory of Strengths (VIA-IS), which is suitable for ages 18 and older, or the VIA Inventory of Strengths—Youth Version (VIA-Youth), which is designed for kids ages 10-17. Both assessment tools are available online.

Consequently, researchers caution against assuming that there are single indicators for good character. Instead, a person’s character should be viewed across a continuum.

What’s more, the creators of the VIA assessment tool stress that the character traits not included among a person’s signature strengths are not necessarily weaknesses, but rather lesser strengths in comparison to the others. Likewise, the top five strengths should not be interpreted in a rigid way because there are usually no meaningful differences in their magnitudes.

It’s also important to note that the 24 character strengths that these tools identify have been studied across cultures. Research shows that these strengths are linked to important components of individual and social well-being, even though different strengths predict different outcomes.

For instance, growing evidence indicates that the character strengths hope, kindness, social intelligence, self-regulation, and perspective all guard against the negative effects of stress and trauma. Meanwhile, successful recovery from physical illnesses is associated with increases in bravery, kindness, and humor. Additionally, identifying and utilizing character strengths also can help young people experience academic success, develop tolerance, delay gratification, and value diversity.

The goal behind the VIA Classification of Strengths is to focus on what is right about people rather than pathologize what is wrong with them. Consequently, those with an interest in positive psychology look for strengths of character in people and help them build on those attributes in their lives.

The 24 character strengths that Dr. Seligman identified are divided into six classes of virtues. These six virtues include wisdom, courage, humanity, justice, temperance, and transcendence. Here is a closer look at the six virtues and the character strengths that are classified under each.

Wisdom

Those who score high in the area of wisdom tend to have cognitive strengths that lead them to not only acquire knowledge but to use it in creative and useful ways. Here is an overview of the core character strengths that fall under wisdom.

Courage

People who score high in courage have emotional strengths that allow them to accomplish goals despite any opposition they face—whether internal or external. Here is a closer look at the core character strengths that are classified under courage.

Honesty: Speaking the truth; being authentic and genuine
Bravery: Embracing challenges, difficulties, or pain; not shrinking from threat
Persistence: Finishing things once they are started
Zest: Approaching all things in life with energy and excitement

Humanity

Those who score high in humanity have a range of interpersonal strengths that involve caring for and befriending others. Here’s an overview of the core character strengths that are classified under humanity.

Justice

People who have a number of character strengths under justice tend to possess civic strengths that underscore the importance of a healthy community. Here is a closer look at the core character strengths that fall under justice.

Temperance

Those who score have a number of character strengths that fall under temperance tend to have strengths that protect against the excesses in life. Here’s an overview of the core character strengths that fall under temperance.

Transcendence

People who have a number of character strengths that fall under transcendence tend to forge connections with God, the universe, or religions that provide meaning, purpose, and understanding. Here’s a closer look at the core character strengths that fall under transcendence.

One of the main reasons for assessing character strengths is to use that information to understand, identify, and build on a person’s strengths.

For example, one widely researched strategy involves encouraging people to use their signature strengths in a new way each week. In fact, one study found that having adults do this every day led to increases in happiness and decreases in depression for six months.

This study then became the basis for several more studies that utilized the same methods for older adults, employees, and people with traumatic brain injuries. Another approach involves focusing on a person’s lowest-rated strengths in an attempt to enhance those areas of their lives.

Research also has demonstrated the living through a traumatic event can impact character strengths. In the six months following the 9/11 attacks, the character strengths of religiousness, hope, and love were elevated among U.S. respondents but not among European respondents.