First Things First!

It’s important to understand that love isn’t something you can force or manipulate.
It’s a natural and beautiful feeling that blossoms between two people. However, there are definitely things you can do to increase your chances of someone falling for you.

 This might sound cliché, but it’s true! Authenticity is key.  Pretending to be someone you’re not, won’t lead to genuine love. Let your true self shine through because that’s what makes you unique and lovable.

Get to know the person you’re interested in. Ask them about their interests, hobbies, dreams, and fears. Listen actively and show genuine curiosity about their life. People love to feel heard and understood.

Kindness goes a long way in any relationship. Treat the person with respect, empathy, and compassion. Show them that you care about their well-being and happiness.

Support your special someone in their goals and endeavors. Be their cheerleader and encourage them to chase their dreams. A supportive partner is incredibly attractive and can deepen the bond between two people.

Be open and honest in your communication. Express your feelings and thoughts clearly and encourage them to do the same. Healthy communication builds trust and strengthens emotional connections.

Create memories together by spending quality time with each other. Whether it’s going on adventures, trying new activities, or simply enjoying each other’s company, shared experiences can strengthen the bond between two people.

Love takes time to grow and develop. Don’t rush things or try to force the pace of the relationship. Allow things to unfold naturally and enjoy the journey together.

Don’t forget to express gratitude and appreciation for the little things. Whether it’s a thoughtful gesture or a kind word, acknowledging and appreciating each other fosters a deeper connection.

Maintain a positive attitude and outlook on life. Positivity is contagious and can uplift the mood of those around you. Share laughter, joy, and optimism with your special someone.

It’s worth mentioning twice because it’s that important! Be true to who you are and let your genuine self shine through. Authenticity is attractive and will ultimately lead to a more fulfilling and lasting relationship.

What does it mean to have a Feisty Personality?

 ​It can manifest in two distinctly different ways:

It all depends on context – and you might regard a feisty person as confident, bold, and outgoing, who isn’t afraid to stand up for themselves or others.

The other perception is somewhat more negative and can be construed as being thin-skinned, quick to argue, and spoiling for a fight at all times. In reality, many people tend to perceive this personality type in a negative light because they misunderstand the actual motives of their behavior.

So, do you suspect you might be a feisty person and want to work on making sure you fall on the right side of your personality traits? Or do you know someone with a big character and want to find out more about the reasons behind their behavior?

Here are 10 Misunderstood and Neglected Traits of a Feisty Personality

Let’s start with the obvious – a feisty temperament won’t shy away from sensitive topics or hold back on expressing their feelings with passion and confidence.

Confrontation doesn’t mean starting a row or looking for arguments. It means standing up for themselves, their loved ones, and people who can’t stand up for themselves.

Whether that is righting a wrong, calling out negative behavior, or refusing to accept toxic societal norms, assertive people are never nervous about making their feelings heard.

There is a broad spectrum of ways to interpret the word ‘feisty.’ Perhaps to you, that means bitter, catty, bitchy, or sarcastic.

The thing is, none of these things are feisty, but all seem to get rolled together in a big blended ball of words we use to talk about bold people.

True feisty personalities don’t care about drama, gossip, or contention, and they certainly don’t go out of their way to look for it. However, if an injustice comes their way, they will never hesitate to make a stand.

Another clarification point that is worth thinking about! Feisty men and women can be outspoken, and they can be controversial – but they do not intend to be negative.

Sarcastic people are often described as having a feisty personality, but that’s another catchall for someone who always has a retort.

The difference is that a natural feisty person will be thoughtful, intelligent, and methodical in presenting an argument or raising an issue without it being snide or sarcastic.

Again, we might think about our feisty friends and think about people who love to be correct, act a bit of a smart ass, and take pleasure in pointing out errors or criticisms.

This factor is another differentiator between someone who is confidently nasty. A contentious person who is a warrior for change and a life-long friend who will stop at nothing to support those they love.

But, if you have a friend with a feisty personality, you need to know that they’re not going to crunch their words if you have been acting a little strangely or are upset by something you have said or done.

Being gutsy isn’t a manufactured characteristic but is a natural energy and confidence.

Feisty friends will call you out if they think you need to hear it – but only if they believe it’s in your interests to put the record straight.

This personality trait often gets neglected when it comes to feisty people. Negative perceptions make them seem bitter, exhausting, and difficult to deal with.

But the truth is that hanging out with outgoing, sassy people can be a whole lot of fun – and is sure to be dynamic and exciting! They will harness their exuberant personality to make the best of any situation.

Shy and retiring types are rarely described as being feisty. So, if you have a feisty nature, you’re likely a strong friend who is the backbone of your friendship group.

If you’re in a spot of bother, struggling with a problem, or need help overcoming a challenge, a fiery person will be there for you every step of the way. They will tackle the situation headfirst with a proactive and take-no-prisoners approach.

Boldness doesn’t mean arrogance, and neither does feistiness mean being argumentative.

Brave people don’t need to score points or prove they have won, but might feel compelled to get involved when something doesn’t sit right. It matters less that they ‘win’ and more that they haven’t ignored something that they can’t walk past without getting involved with.

A straightforward way to define feisty personalities from argumentative ones is that a scrappy person is uninhibited and happy to engage even with a contentious dialogue – but they aren’t hiding behind anything.

Many rude, spiteful people are defending against their insecurities, but an assertive person is simply voicing their position when they feel it matters.

Lastly, another important trait to clarify is that a feisty personality isn’t mysterious! It isn’t a trait that makes people feel aggressive, angry, or confrontational – but it equips them with the skills to take a stand if they need to.

Romantic relationships are difficult.

For a romance to stand the test of time, you need to be committed and willing to work at it. And while there are many natural reasons why relationships don’t work out – timing, diverging growth trajectories, differing values, and so on – there are three avoidable reasons that will cause any relationship to fail:  non-acceptance, lack of trust, and poor communication. 

Below, you’ll learn about why these relationship mistakes manifest and how you can avoid them in your relationship.

It’s inevitable that your romantic partner will have traits that irritate you or beliefs with which you disagree. Does that mean that you should leave your partner in pursuit of the “perfect” match? No! Having differences with your partner is unavoidable, and if you want your relationship to endure, what matters is how you understand and relate to these differences.

For example, imagine that you believe in healthy eating, moderation, and regular exercise. After you move in with your partner, you realize that he has a penchant for tasty desserts and avoids exercise like the plague. And while you enjoyed your partner’s lazy Sundays and constant supply of Reese’s peanut butter cups at the beginning of your relationship, you now feel frustrated every time he grabs a cookie and declines your offer to go to a yoga class.

Over time, you and your partner’s differing beliefs about health may frustrate you, and as your frustration grows, you might try to change your partner. You might start with always “forgetting” to grab ice cream when you buy groceries. But as your partner still finds a way to stock the house with pints of Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby ice cream for his mid-day snack, you might make snarky comments about how his body is starting to feel a little “different.” You don’t see this as a problem because you feel that you’re helping him live a healthier life.

But naturally, this will make your partner angry. Your non-acceptance of his habits and passive-aggressive attempts to change him will fuel a deeply felt resentment. Over time, the mutual frustration and resentment might lead to relationship-ending arguments.

The problem in this situation is not your partner; it’s you. While you might believe that your attempts to change your partner’s eating and exercise habits comes from a place of love and trying to help him live a healthier life, in reality, you’re not accepting your partner and projecting your values about health onto him.

If you want the relationship to last, you need to change your approach. You need to start from a place of genuine acceptance. Because when you accept your partner, you seek to understand, not judge him. And when you come from a place of understanding, you listen more and can begin to understand why his values and practices might diverge from yours.

You might uncover that his eating and exercise habits stem from his childhood. Perhaps he had an anorexic brother who’s obsession with health and appearances led to years of anxiety and depression, and because of this experience, he fears the way in which an obsessive focus on health can reduce a person’s quality of life.

In understanding this, you might have a new perspective on your partner. He’s no longer a lazy, ice cream-obsessed man who doesn’t care about his health. Instead, he’s a person who had a negative experience that influences his beliefs and actions. From this place of understanding, you might be able to have more productive conversations about the issue.

When you don’t accept your partner, disaster follows. Because when you don’t accept someone, they will not trust or feel comfortable with you. They will feel attacked and resentful about your non-acceptance.

So instead of letting your frustration about your partner’s habits or beliefs lead to a “noble” pursuit to change them, first accept them and then decide what that means for your relationship. If health is one of your most important values and your partner does not value health in the same way, then you might decide that it’s time to move on and find someone who shares your beliefs about health.

In 8th grade, I fell in love with a girl. She went on a cruise the week before Christmas, and a few days before she got back, she left me a voicemail. Instead of hearing her soft, sweet voice, I heard a dude with a southern accent:

“Hey man, I just wanted to let you know that your girl is an awesome kisser.”

When she got back, she told me that she was leaving me for a great guy from Tennessee. I spent Christmas crying in my grandparent’s office while my uncle told me to suck it up.

This experience scarred my adolescent soul. For years, I struggled to trust women. My lack of trust manifested in various ways – not being vulnerable, overreacting to girlfriends talking with other guys, and leaving relationships before I got hurt.

In failing to trust my partners, I unconsciously sabotaged many of my young adult romantic relationships. While I didn’t realize I had this problem at the time, I now understand how the scar tissue from my 8th-grade romance hindered my ability to build enduring relationships.

The problem I had and that many others face is a lack of trust. And while you may be able to move past the strange ways in which a lack of trust manifests in the short-term, in the long-run, it will kill your relationship. Eventually, your partner will tire of your inability to trust them, and the relationship will break down.

If you struggle to trust your partner, especially when he or she hasn’t done anything to violate your trust, you need to dig deep to identify the source of the mistrust. Often, lack of trust stems from our fear of being hurt, which can come from early childhood experiences. Regardless of the cause, it’s up to you to address the issue and trust your partner.

If you can’t comfortably leave your partner with the most attractive and interesting person on the planet, then you don’t trust them. And when you don’t trust them, you’ll do all kinds of crazy shit, often unconsciously, that will sabotage your relationship.

While the first few months or years of a relationship may go smoothly, you will inevitably run into challenges along the road. And to successfully navigate and endure these challenges, you need to be able to communicate well with your partner.

For example, imagine that your partner has the opportunity to lead a project that will transform her career. If you care about your partner and her career ambitions, you will share her excitement about this opportunity.

But as the project progresses, perhaps you notice that she is spending significantly more time at work. She might be unusually stressed or unable to be present with you. Naturally, this change in your partner might frustrate you. You’ll start to wonder if she cares about work more than you and your relationship. When problems like this come up, your ability to maintain a healthy relationship relies on your ability to communicate your emotions, beliefs, and needs.

If you’re unable to communicate your frustration to your partner productively, you might start doing things that will escalate the problem. For instance, you might respond to your frustration by being short, starting arguments over small issues, or by mirroring her lack of presence. If you do this, the problems will compound, and your partner may not feel that you support her pursuit to succeed in her career.

But if instead, you learn to communicate your emotions and beliefs calmly and honestly from a place of genuine understanding, you’ll be able to handle the challenge more smoothly. Instead of lashing out at your partner, you might tell her that you feel that due to her focus on the project at work (which you fully support), she is not meeting your needs. You think that the fun spirit and presence that she used to bring to your dates is no longer there.

In openly discussing how her focus on work and lack of presence is affecting you without assuming that is a direct affront to you or the relationship, you will open up a communication channel that will allow you to find a productive path forward.

The solution might be a date night once a week where you don’t bring your phones and don’t discuss work. It might be helping your partner better navigate the unreasonable demands of her boss. In any case, you won’t get to a mutually beneficial solution until you learn to communicate from a place of understanding, compassion, and belief in the relationship.

Non-acceptance, lack of trust, and poor communication will kill any relationship. The good news is that you can avoid these common killers of relationships by identifying them when they come up, looking within, and committing to doing the hard work required to make your relationship last.

Relationships naturally go through various stages of development and change over time as couples transition between romance, conflict, and resolution. Quite often, the same qualities that served as powerful early attractors toward your partner later become perceived as sources of discontent.

The expectation for long-term relationships to remain entrenched in blissful romance, without any negotiation of needs/expectations or commitment to growth as a couple is unrealistic. It is when we start to view these natural relationship transitions as threatening and absolve ourselves of responsibility that a problematic relationship cycle can intensify.

While there are certainly a host of serious issues that can plague the core of any relationship, it is often the case that problems begin to appear larger than they truly are due to the attitude that we take toward them, the responsibility that we assume for the role we play in the relationship dynamic, and the meaning or interpretation that we assign (consciously or otherwise) to our partners’ behaviors.

It is important to recognize that when you enter into a romantic relationship with another individual, you bring with you a large body of personal values, goals, expectations, personality traits, and temperament that are all your own. Your partner is not responsible for the way that you were raised, your past relationship history, your belief system, or your sense of yourself as an individual.

A relationship is the connection of two separate individuals who come together in the hopes of finding compatibility, sharing hopes/dreams, finding love/support, and building a life together rich with shared meaning and purpose.

Many relationship expectations are artifacts from your own history that you may be unwittingly bringing into your current partnership. For example, if your parent or previous partner(s) always did something like take out the trash, cook dinner, or pick their socks up off the floor, the absence of these habits in your current partner may stand out to you as being much more important than someone who was not “taught” to have these expectations in relationships.

The idea is that we learn through repeated experiences with our parents and romantic partners what to expect (and not expect) from current relationships. Awareness of these expectations can be an important step toward developing compassion for your partner and releasing expectations that may not be all that important in the grand scheme of things. When expectations go unmet that truly are nonnegotiable in your mind, the onus is on you to directly communicate those needs.

If you find yourself navigating through what feels like a conflict stage of your relationship, take a few moments to mindfully step back and look at the big picture. Take stock of what other factors in each of your individual and shared lives may be contributing to your sense of distress.

Consider ways in which that distress can be transformed into a form of eustress that strengthens your relationship. If you truly want to work through the conflict in your relationship, you must be willing to clearly state your needs/expectations and then be willing to leave the relationship if you reach a point where it becomes clear that compromise cannot be reached.

During times of external stress, it is easy for judgments to become clouded and to direct negativity toward yourself, your partner, and the relationship. Rather than express your stress by labeling and judging each and everything your partner does and doesn’t do, imagine what it would be like to focus on the things that you can do differently to bring about playfulness, love, compromise, and harmony in your relationship.

Unwillingness to reflect on the role that you play in creating the relationship dynamic has the potential of prematurely ending a relationship and ultimately trading one set of relationship problems for a “new” set of problems with another partner.

If you truly want to stay in your relationship, it is clear that things must change. Rather than focusing immediately on all the ways in which your partner could change, try starting with yourself. You may be surprised by the power that changing your attitude, perspective, and behaviors can actually have on influencing your authentic emotions in the relationship, as well as indirectly “changing” your partner for the better. Make the choice to put “we” before “me” in the relationship and notice the consequences.

Remember that if you look for something long enough and persistently enough, you’re quite likely to find some evidence to confirm your hypotheses about “what kind of person” your partner may or may not be. In fact, expecting negative qualities from your partner and being reluctant to give them the benefit of the doubt may even lead to confirmation that you were “right” after all, simply because your partner became increasingly influenced by your attitudes and judgments.

When you choose to focus on what you’re getting in a relationship, as opposed to what you’re giving, resentment and frustration may naturally build. No matter how irritating your partner’s behavior may be in the moment, remember that your interpretation of that behavior and the meaning that you assign to it plays a powerful role in determining a positive or negative outcome.

Interpretations of Problematic Relationship Behaviors

Consider the following typical interpretations of problematic behaviors in relationships. Take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to be open and willing to acknowledge tendencies that you may have to gravitate toward these interpretations. Consider how your relationship may be more positively impacted by consciously shifting the meaning that you assign to each (real or perceived) problematic behavior.

This interpretive stance may be experienced as a tendency to take your partner’s behaviors very personally, perceiving each irritating or unwanted behavior as a personal slight.

For example, imagine that your partner has come home from a stressful day and doesn’t greet you with the same hug or smile that you have grown accustomed to – interpreting this behavior as “deliberate” involves reacting to this behavior by deciding it means that he or she doesn’t care about or prioritize you.

A more productive way to approach this same scenario would be to engage in cognitive reappraisal, thinking to yourself, “It looks like my partner just had a really stressful day.” Remember that many of us periodically engage in behaviors without consistent mindfulness or attention to how those actions may be impacting others. If this is a regular habit, it is worth addressing, but it is also important to give your partner a bit of leeway if they occasionally come across as distant or overly focused on themselves.

Take a step back and honestly appraise the degree to which your partner creates messiness in their own personal “domain” (e.g., their personal office or closet) versus messiness for all members of the household to experience.

In 80% of couples who live together, messiness or disorganization tends to be reported as a significant source of tension in the relationship. You must be willing to accept the fact that you cannot truly change another person… and expecting your partner to morph into a person who organizes and cleans just as you do is self-centered and unrealistic.

If you find yourself feeling openly disrespected by messiness, express willingness to verbalize in kind and direct terms what is bothering you. Give your partner specific examples of things you would like to be different (as they impact your shared living space or an expectation from your partner for you to clean up after him or her).

When an issue such as this becomes gridlocked and resistant to change, remember that you always have the power to change your attitude. If the messiness bothers you significantly, choose to reframe the situation by reminding yourself of positive behaviors that you appreciate in your partner that are much more important.

The ways in which we learn to express and receive love are learned over the course of time as a complex result of many interactions that we have had with important attachment figures in our lives. Just because your partner has learned what love looks like or feels like differently than you have, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the love you desire is not authentically present behind his or her actions.

For example, perhaps your partner feels like a simple expression of love is a hug and kiss when you come home, whereas you feel like an expression of love is going out to do an activity together.

If you become willing to let go of the notion that there is a “right” and “wrong” way of expressing love (aside from abusiveness) and are open to expressing your feelings to your partner in a way that he or she can best receive them, love may arise more naturally. We often express and show our love to others in the way that we would like to receive love from others.

That doesn’t make anyone’s partner “bad” for expressing love in this way, it simply means that increased self-awareness and willingness adapt to your partner’s needs may be helpful. When you truly wish for your partner to feel your love and support, the realization of this truth may make it much easier to consciously adapt the way that you express your love.

I look forward to exploring seven more common relationship conflicts in my next post, “Stop Trying to Change Your Partner: Change Your Attitude – Part Two” along with the importance of how we assign meaning and interpret those problematic behaviors. Keep in mind that the way you respond in any given situation, no matter how irritating or hurtful, is up to you.

If you feel a sense of uncertainty over just how “important” any of these common relationship issues truly are to you, try investing time in reflecting on your authentic self in a mindful way. When you develop a clearer sense of exactly who you are and your deepest desires and expectations in a relationship, greater clarity and peace of mind may be reached.

My last post, “Stop Trying to Change Your Partner: Change Your Attitude – Part One,” began to focus on the multitude of ways in which the attitudes, expectations, and interpretations of behaviors that you bring with you into relationships can have powerful impacts on overall relationship satisfaction.

There is often a natural tendency when something “feels off” or “goes wrong” to begin looking toward your partner’s behaviors and attitudes in an attempt to make sense of the inner feeling of discontent. It can be much more challenging to examine your own behaviors, attitudes, and expectations.

Your partner is never going to say or do “just the right thing” at each and every moment that you wish he or she would. It is during these times when you feel as though some deeper emotional need is not being met, to look inward to yourself first. When there is a persistent desire to connect outwardly with your partner, this may ultimately be experienced as draining (for both of you) and result in increased withdrawal or avoidance.

It is worthwhile to honestly reflect on how connected you truly feel to yourself and how much love you are directing toward yourself. When you are unconnected and unloving toward yourself, it is nearly impossible to be connected and loving with another. Perhaps the notion of being disconnected from or unloving toward your true self feels frightening or confusing.

This is actually an excellent place to begin the process of mindfully getting to know who you really are, what your authentic emotional experience is, and what you truly want and need out of both a relationship and life.

If you find yourself caught in a cycle of discontent or disconnection from your partner, take some time to reflect on the ways in which you may contribute to the cycle. Take a step back and look at the big picture. When you use mindfulness exercises to step into your observing self, simply notice the meanings and interpretations that you attribute to your partner’s behaviors. How might taking on a new attitude or perspective bring you a greater sense of peace, harmony, and calm wisdom?

Interpretations of Problematic Relationship Behaviors

As continued in my last post, there are seven common relationship conflicts and interpretations. Allow yourself the freedom to authentically look at the ways in which you may be unfairly or inaccurately attributing distorted or overly negative interpretations toward your partner’s behaviors. As long as your partner’s actions are not abusive toward you, others, or themselves, allow yourself the psychological flexibility to examine them from a new perspective.

Cultivating and maintaining a general attitude of goodwill makes it increasingly likely to feel happy (even eager) to do loving, supportive, or practical things for your partner. When one person in a relationship begins to feel increasingly unappreciated or unnoticed for the big or small acts he or she makes to benefit the relationship, resentment may slowly build. In many relationships, the sense that acts of kindness, love, or responsibility toward the partnership are going unnoticed can result in feeling less inclined to positively invest in the relationship.

Rather than assume that your partner is oblivious to your acts of kindness, love, or sacrifice, make the choice to engage in direct communication. If your partner is unaware of what types of behaviors help you feel appreciated, they may be under the (false) impression that you simply “know” how much they appreciate you.

Have you entertained the possibility that your painful emotional experience is more about you than about what your partner is or isn’t doing? Try noticing the attitude that you take when you do positive things for your relationship… is it accompanied by an underlying sense of waiting to be “repaid” for all that you do or is it with an attitude of generosity and joy?

If you feel resolute in knowing that you contribute much more to the relationship in ways that are unjust or degrading to yourself, you can still direct the focus (not “blame”) initially toward yourself. How can you begin to act differently, more assertively, or more authentically in ways that will send the message to your partner that you expect an equal and balanced relationship?

Rather than waiting for your partner to pick up on subtle clues or hints about what it is that you need, try making it explicit. For some people, there is a deep fear of speaking up about their true needs/feelings due to early maladaptive schemas continuing to interfere in their adult lives.

Consider the ways in which you generally interpret and assign meaning to requests from your partner. One study in particular found a sense of being controlled by one’s partner is the source of approximately 40% of complaints in relationships. No one likes to be told what to do. It is important to consider the ways in which you are interpreting requests from your partner… how are you choosing to label or assign meaning to those requests?

Successful relationships involve attributing positive intentions behind your partner’s behaviors, which requires that you take a step back and ask yourself what the potential motivations/reasons might be for statements or requests that you perceive as controlling. Could it be that your partner’s expressions of second-guessing your decisions mean that he or she is genuinely concerned about you? When you begin to look at your partner’s behaviors as coming from a well-intentioned place, ask yourself what unmet emotional needs those requests may be illuminating.

As you reflect on your partner’s deeper emotional needs in a relationship with you, ask yourself how willing you are to engage in open dialogue about those needs and find compromises… or perhaps you need to admit to yourself that those needs are too incompatible with your own relationship expectations or personal goals.

Rather than engaging in the automatic thought process that emotional “needs” are inherently bad/wrong, take a step back and recognize what your partner’s actual needs are (without assigning judgment). If you find yourself incapable or unwilling to meet your partner’s most cherished expectations in a relationship, it is always possible that you are doing a disservice to both yourself and to your partner by staying.

Individuals have marked variations in their desires and expectations for emotional and physical intimacy. While it is natural for levels of intimacy in a long-term relationship to fluctuate over time, it is important to recognize the underlying themes behind the interpretations and meanings that each of you assigns to intimacy in your relationship.

As you reflect on boundaries and intimacy, do you find yourself entrenched in a pattern of interpreting your partner’s hugs, kisses, or sharing of emotions as unpleasant, unwanted, or intrusive? It is always possible to transform intimate patterns from a cycle of avoidance and withdrawal to one of connectedness and closeness through changes in your attitude and willingness to engage in new behaviors (even if you don’t always feel like it).

Your partner’s willingness to engage in flirtatious behaviors with others may be a sign that there is a current lack of closeness in the relationship and an indication of your partner feeling unfulfilled in their need for playfulness, attention, or self-esteem. It is possible to shift your attitude toward this behavior by stepping outside of your own hurt feelings to ask yourself what your partner is truly seeking.

Depending on the individual, this may be a sign of resentment, lack of quality time as a couple, feeling like a low priority, etc. While your partner is clearly responsible for their own behaviors, it is always worth examining the role that you play as an active participant in the relationship.

Many general annoyances with partners arise out of real and perceived differences. Rest assured that for every irritation you may have about your partner being “too” social, spontaneous, organized, adventurous, creative, intellectual, etc… there is someone else out there in another relationship wishing their partner was more like yours (and sometimes, really just more like themselves).

Part of changing your perspective in this regard is to accept the inevitable fact that there are bound to be differences in personality traits, preferences, hobbies, and temperaments between individuals. It is often a mistake (particularly for the health of your relationship) to decide that your partner’s preferences or needs are less valid or worthy of fulfillment simply because they differ from your own.

If you increase awareness of your personality differences and variations in general preferences, you can make the choice to become more accepting of your partner and find ways to be understanding of these differences while still retaining a loving bond. Consider the ways in which those personality differences can bring strength to the relationship or encourage you to see the world from a fresh perspective.

When one partner feels the other simply isn’t holding up their end of the “bargain” (through financial, childcare, household, emotional, time-related responsibilities, etc.) resentment is likely to build.

Once again… with just about all relationship “irritants,” it’s a matter of perspective. In a somewhat sad irony, couples who try to divide responsibilities right down the middle in a rigid way often end up particularly unhappy – an inherent part of this overly simplistic division of responsibilities is that your and your partner’s attention is drawn toward measuring, assessing, and arguing over who is doing “enough.”

Consider whether or not you feel overall that you and your partner give and receive in a roughly equal manner. As you reflect on your own attitude and perspective, is it possible that you are not noticing some ways that your partner contributes to the relationship?

For example, through paying bills, doing household chores, taking care of children or pets, or building a future for the two of you? Take into consideration the “measuring stick” that you use when you think about the concept of fairness in relationships and ask yourself if perhaps your partner is contributing more to the relationship than you are noticing.

Criticism creates a natural tendency for your partner to physically/emotionally withdraw, become defensive/resistant, develop deep self-doubts, or slowly begin to simply dislike being around you.

Dr. John Gottman, the renowned couples therapist, and developer of Gottman Method Couples Therapy state that men are more likely to react to “annoyances” by shutting down and refusing to engage, whereas women are more likely to actively voice their concerns (and may even tell their partner precisely what is “wrong with them” and what needs to change). It may be self-evident that these are both ineffective problem-solving strategies.

Many couples get caught up in cycles of rehashing the same issues (what Gottman refers to as the “perpetual problems” inherent to all relationships). Criticism inherently involves focusing on the negative and is not solution-focused. Gottman’s research has indicated that 69% of all marital problems are “unsolvable” due to personality differences and needs intimately tied to one’s core view of the self.

You can change your attitude and behaviors – finding a way that works for both of you in dealing with fundamental differences – or you can trade your current partner for another one with a whole “new” set of differences to work through.

As you reflect on changing your own attitude, actions, and interpretations of your partner’s behavior, can you imagine how your relationship may (or may not) be different if you were to be your most authentic self? Do you feel a sense of commitment, teamwork, love, and friendship with your partner? As you take all of these factors into consideration, remember to take a step back and look at your relationship (and your own relationship patterns) from a mindful perspective.

Why is it that Older Men love dating Younger Women…

…and many people don’t think much about it?

It doesn’t require any research to realize that they love someone who makes them feel young at heart. However, why is it that the younger women who love to date older guys are often stereotyped?

While the research we cite specifically deals with younger women-older gentlemen attraction, some could argue that younger men-older women relationships flourish, as well. However, we will leave the second topic to a separate blog post!

Some say that these younger women have daddy issues when they want someone older, but that’s not always the case. Others say they are just interested in money. You must put stereotypes aside and realize that some women love the senior guy because of his maturity.

They also crave the worldly wisdom they’ve obtained as well as the financial stability they’ve acquired. Keep in mind that financial stability doesn’t always mean wealth. It just means that they’ve made their blunders at a young age and have already learned the hard financial lessons.

Society tends to accept a small age gap, which is anywhere from 5-10 years difference. However, what about the women that date men that are old enough to be their fathers? Is there a limit on age restrictions, and how do you know if the age gap is too much for a relationship?

There are both evolutionary and social motives behind a woman wanting an older man. Irrespective of the motive, both parties will have to overcome much stigma and many stereotypes to be together.

Many people will stop and gawk when they see an older man holding hands or kissing a younger woman in public. It has to do with cultural norms and what society expects. People passing have no clue about this couple, yet they are ready to make snap judgments on what they see.

Many studies have been conducted on these types of relationships, and science has come up with a few answers.

In 2018, a study examined why there are so much prejudice and stereotypes when people are involved in age gap relationships. The bias rate was much higher in a relationship where the woman was younger and the man much older.

Many think that the man has the upper hand in these unions, which equals relational inequity. Older men that enter a relationship with younger women are often called “cradle robbers,” but the women are called “gold diggers,” both of which are derogatory terms.

Other women see the younger lady with an older gentleman, and they perceive that they want a comfortable lifestyle that money and this guy can offer. In other cases, they may insist that it’s the connections and resources they wish to gain to help further their career or obtain a certain social status in life.

Not all relationships are about money or influence. In fact, many people are together because they love each other and nothing else. True love doesn’t look at the chronological age and see any difference as it’s more focused on the heart.

In 2016, a study was done on why some women wanted the older man as a partner. When the age gap is more than ten years, people think it’s an unhealthy relationship with the father. This study wanted to prove or discredit this theory, and they found that it’s not a fair stereotype because there’s no truth in these claims.

Of the 173 participants in this study, 44 were dating men at least a decade older than themselves. Most of these women had good relationships with their fathers and did not need to seek solace or a father/daughter relationship with an older man.

About 75 percent of the women said that they weren’t looking for a father figure, but they preferred the company of an older man to make them feel secure. If the father had been a great role model for the younger woman in life, then the maturity level they observed growing up brings them comfort in their relationship.

A couple with any sort of age difference can enjoy a healthy, satisfying, and loving relationship. Regardless of whether there are ulterior motives or one of the parties suffers from past childhood issues, many have strong unions that can stand up against the scrutiny of society.

Sure, there are couples where a younger woman wants to date the older man due to ulterior motives or because they are looking for a marriage of convenience. However, it’s unfair to lump all relationships with age gaps in this category. More often than not, people come together because they love each other.

Five Reasons Why Younger Women Like Older Men

It’s easy to see that many women who like older men often do it out of love and not selfish motives. However, what are the reasons why these women prefer someone with a significant age gap between them? Here are the top five reasons why the older man is more appealing.

1. Strong Genetic Profiles

It’s assumed that younger women are still in their childbearing years. When looking for someone to be the father of a child, you would want someone who ages well, is financially secure, and has his life together. It sure makes it easier than being with someone young who has nothing to offer.

They need to feel secure is one of the biggest reasons for the attraction to an older man, though it’s not about how much is in the bank.

2. Older Men Have Confidence

An older gentleman has already been through many storms in life and has developed an aura of confidence. They have a great deal of experience and are wise beyond their years. To the young lady who has much to experience in life, it can make things better to be with someone who is well seasoned.

It’s hard when you are younger and worry about money. Though the older man may not have great wealth, they probably have a home and a car, which is quite appealing to someone just starting in life. It takes time to really build your career to be able to afford such things.

3. They Know How To Treat A Lady

Perhaps one of the most appealing things about the older gentlemen is that they know how to treat a lady. Going back even two decades ago, men still opened the doors for the women and treated her like a queen. The older generation lived in vastly different times.

Sure, they expect a meal on the table when they get home from work, but they have no problem pampering their princess. The guys these days have a different set of morals and values that is nothing like those born before 1980. A few men show that chivalry is still alive, but it’s very few who practice it.

4. Older Men Are Interested in the Mind Too

These days, people become intimate on the first date. Unless you have something that goes beyond those one-night stands, the relationship may fizzle. Women love intimacy just as much as men, but they want someone interested in their minds too.

The older man enjoys good conversation and companionship. While they are interested in a sensual relationship, they are more about finding someone they enjoy talking to over coffee and bonding.

5. They’ve Got Style

What happened to the days when men knew how to dress like a man? Few women find it attractive when males have their pants hanging two inches below their underwear or holes all in their clothes. Some of the styles of yesteryear should make a comeback as they rival any trend of today.

The older man knows how to dress down for a day at the park or a beach, but they also know how to get all fancy for a night on the town. If younger women want the feeling of being a princess, she wants someone who will be her equivalent of a prince.

📜What it Feels Like To Have Sex With An Older Man

Do MORE of this and LESS of that.

It has always confused me that we are taught the least about a part of our life that matters the most.

The quality of the relationships we choose for ourselves can influence every other area of life. An unhealthy and tense marriage can impact performance at work, it can cause mental and physical health issues, can build depression, resentment, and discontent.

Conversely, a healthy and thriving relationship helps us to feel connected, fulfilled, driven, inspired, and happy.

Yet, something so important in our lives is often left up to chance.

“Just be yourself, the right person will come along.”

“When you know, you know.”

We’re given passive — and frankly useless advice that doesn’t give us any real knowledge or skills when it comes to building or maintaining relationships.

“James, skills?! Shouldn’t love just be natural?”

Herein lies the issue: Love, as an emotion — and as a verb — is baked into our emotional experience, sure.

But, it takes more than just love to build a thriving and happy relationship that lasts in the long run. Don’t take my word for it, though, ask anyone who’s been with their partner for years or decades if it just “happened,” or if it took real effort every day.

So, how, then, do we intentionally and deliberately create the life and love that we want alongside the partner we’ve chosen?

Do more of this and less of that:

When we enter into a relationship, we bring our past with us. Our past experiences, past traumas, past hurts, and past preconceived notions of what a relationship “should be” like.

If we rest too heavily on assumptions, though, we block ourselves from learning the true nature of the new person we’re letting into our lives.

Perhaps one of the most difficult challenges that love presents is: We must be fully open and unbiased each time we meet someone new.

Your “next” is not your “ex,” as they say.

The more that we listen, pay attention and learn about our partner, the less likely we’ll be to jump to conclusions and make our own assumptions about what we “think” they mean, or what we “think” they are doing.

For some, these tendencies last longer and take more work than others. It is entirely normal to take time to trust someone new — healthy, even.

Everyone who comes into your life has to earn your trust (more on this later) and also maintain it over time, but in order to so, you have to give them the space to step in.

If you can open yourself up to listening, learning, and feeling this person’s true and genuine presence…you just might be pleasantly surprised. If you think you already know them based on other people you’ve met in your past, though, you could be depriving yourself of something (and someone) beautiful.

Conflict is uncomfortable. Conflict resolution is a skill in itself (that many struggles with). Conflict is seen as a negative in a relationship — how can you be happy together if you’re disagreeing or arguing?!

The truth is that every couple to ever exist, no matter how happy or healthy, has faced and overcome their own challenges. In fact, that’s likely part of what made them so strong in the first place.

For so many, though, conflict is avoided like the plague. Feelings are hidden, agreements are feigned, and conversations are entirely skipped over for the sake of “keeping the peace.”

A challenge, though, cannot be solved and avoided at the same time. One must be chosen, and only one actually makes the challenge go away.

Avoiding conflict does nothing but roll the snowball down a hill, only causing it to gain more size and momentum the longer it’s ignored.

Couples who face their challenges together as a team have an opportunity to learn, grow, and evolve together. They can find a common ground that works for both of them and reinforce the foundation of their relationship.

This, of course, only applies to couples that understand it’s the two of them against the problem, NOT the two of them against each other.

Being honest is not the same as being harsh, blunt, or hurtful. Honesty should be kind and soft, presented in a way that is direct, but tactful.

If that sounds complex…well, it sort of is.

It’s a skill to take honesty and wrap it up in a nice little package while maintaining its integrity, but I believe that this is part of being a productive communicator.

However, many will try to avoid presenting the direct and honest truth and replace it instead with dropping hints or playing games.

Inevitably, the partner on the receiving end will miss some or all of the hints being dropped, which only serves to create more frustration on the part of the hinter.

“You don’t understand me!” is met with “You never tell me what you’re thinking!”

I believe that honest but kind communication can help us to minimize conflicts (point #2), or in some cases, avoid them altogether (more on this in point #6).

Skirting around an issue or being vague in the hopes that your partner catches your drift can be a risky and frustrating endeavor. You’re both adults and should be able to sit down and be truthful with each other. If your partner refuses to hear or recoils from your honesty, that is an entirely different issue within itself.

We established earlier that building trust takes time and mutual effort. It must be built, established, and then maintained for the entire duration of the relationship.

Trust is fragile and remains so throughout its lifetime. No matter how long it takes to be created, it can be destroyed in an instant. One lie, one betrayal, one act of deceit, and decades of work can simply evaporate in front of us.

I believe that we are acutely aware of this fragility and as a result, some of us respond by trying to control every little action or circumstance.

If we keep a close enough eye on someone’s actions, there’s no way they could ever betray us, right?
If we ask about every single little detail then there’s no room for error or dishonesty.If we keep tabs on their every move or social outing then we’ll always know who they’re with and what they’re doing.If this sounds like controlling or manipulative behavior…well, that’s because it is.

I’m going to say something here that sounds strange, but hear me out:

We must give our partner the opportunity to hurt us.

“James…what?!”

That’s right — relationships must have trust, and trust can only exist if someone can prove themselves to you.

They must have the chance to stay true to their word because that means that might not have stayed true.

They must have the chance to show you they’re loyal because that means they chose loyalty.

Obviously, I am not saying that your partner should put themselves in precarious situations just for the sake of proving themselves to you…but I am saying that you need to give them enough trust to show you that they are serious about you and this relationship.

You may think or feel that you’re avoiding heartbreak by holding them so close to you that they simply have no choice but to be faithful — but obedience through control is never sustainable, nor is it reflective of true feelings.

Loyalty out of love and respect is what is true.

“Love is giving someone the power to destroy you…but trusting them not to.” — Paulo Coelho

Healthy adult relationships, while involving an entire ecosystem of people (family, friends, children, etc.), are still only between the two of you, at the core.

You must do what feels right (or doesn’t) for both of you, regardless of what anyone else says.

Move at your pace.
Take steps in your time.
Choose each other every day.

Not everyone is going to agree with your decisions or lifestyle — and that’s okay! They don’t have to! It’s YOUR life, not theirs.

If someone can’t respect you making the decisions that make you happy, then you have to ask yourself if your happiness is actually what they’re concerned with, or just trying to make you live a life that they approve of.

The people who really want to see you happy won’t care what that happiness looks like for you, as long as it is real and genuine.

Happy and healthy couples don’t let negative feelings or emotions accumulate.

They don’t let resentment build.
They don’t sit on their frustrations and pretend that they’ll just go away someday.
They don’t push their feelings away, or hide them from their partner.

They have the maturity required to raise concerns or frustrations to each other when they show up, so they don’t have time to fester, or grow, or turn into unfair assumptions.

Point #3 is important to remember in these instances because bringing up challenges when they arise does not mean just throwing a grenade into an otherwise peaceful conversation and expecting things to go smoothly.

Set an expectation for your partner, let them know that everything is okay but there’s something you’d like to sit and talk about, and then calmly and rationally explain your frustration or challenge.

More often than not, you’ll find that people respond in the same method they’re approached with. If you and your partner can agree to address your “problems” with this strategy, they’ll be a lot less volatile than you’d expect, making it easier and more comfortable to broach them in the future, as well.

Have you ever dated, been friends with, or been related to someone who refuses to take responsibility for their actions?

It’s exhausting and impossible.

They never make mistakes (well, they do, but…), they never address the root of the problem, they never apologize — and therefore…they never change.

How or why could they change if they don’t think there’s anything that needs changing?

People like this are always looking for someone else to blame, and when you’re in a relationship with them, there’s only one other person to lay it all on — you.

Needless to say, this is never a foundation that a happy and healthy relationship can be built.

Healthy and thriving relationships require two partners who are both willing to admit and take responsibility for their mistakes.

Spoiler alert: You’re going to make some.

We ALL do. That’s part of being human.

Knowing this, making mistakes isn’t what’s important, but how we choose to respond to them is. If we are willing to acknowledge what went wrong, we can see it clearly and put a plan in place in order to approve.

Equally as important though, is showing our partner that we’re willing to see our actions clearly. If they’re disappointed in our actions and also don’t think we’re going to change over time, it’s going to bring tension to the relationship that could eventually pull us apart.

If, though, we can both be comfortable that each other is going to step up to the plate when the occasions arise, it helps to build a deeper connection, make us both feel more grounded and to increase the ease of forgiveness, because we know that our partner will be just as understanding with us when the time comes.

NOTE: Remember that this doesn’t go for abuse, betrayal, cheating, or other dealbreakers within the relationship. While, sure, many times a second chance might be warranted…it’s still important to maintain boundaries, and there are some mistakes that an apology simply cannot fix, no matter how sincere.

Relationships are a team, and the world’s best teams don’t compete with each other, they collaborate with each other.

Maturity is important here because it helps to prevent jealousy.

If one partner is excelling while the other is struggling, it can create resentment. It’s important to remember that you’re both coming together to achieve a common goal (creating the life you both desire), and you both have your roles and responsibilities along the journey.

There’ll be ebbs and flows for you both. Support and encouragement. Victories and failures. It’s a dance. It’s a marathon. It’s a long, long road.

The better that you can work together and develop a system that works for you as a team, the less you’ll be likely to compete with or try to one-up each other, which can create a tense or toxic environment.

Remember that relationships are more about “we,” and less about “me.”

Full acceptance of each other is a requirement in a relationship.

This statement may, then, sound conflicting — but it’s not…

You don’t need to like EVERYTHING about your partner in order to love them.

“Okay James, I’m confused…”

Let’s be honest, you don’t even like everything about yourself. Nobody does.

How, then, can you expect to like every single little thing about your partner?

You don’t have to, though — you just need to accept and embrace it.

The good, the bad, and the otherwise.

The past, the present, and the future.

Decisions they’ve made, mistakes they’ve made, triumphs they’ve enjoyed.

It’s all part of them, all that made them who they are today, all that brought them into your life.

There are decisions you probably wish you’d made differently, and ones that they wish they’d made differently — but, we cannot change the past, we can only learn from it and accept that it is part of us.

It doesn’t define us, though. We get the opportunity to define ourselves every single day.

By suspending judgment for what someone has done in the past, probably before you were even around, you can see them through a clearer light and develop a more natural and healthy form of love.

The health of your relationship with another person starts with the health of your relationship with yourself.

Many people think that in order to maintain a relationship, they need to sacrifice parts of themselves.

Sacrifice wants, needs, desires, ambitions, dreams, hobbies, passions…

In reality, just the opposite is true — or at least, it should be.

If you start sacrificing the things that make you, well…, you’re quite literally taking away some of the things that drew your partner to you in the first place.

They fell in love with how ambitious you were. How driven you were. How you lit up when you did the things you loved.

Why, then, would they want that part of you to go away?

Sacrificing parts of yourself can make you less happy, less vibrant, and less connected to yourself and the people around you.

How can you build a strong and healthy relationship off of that foundation?

You can’t, and a good partner wouldn’t ask you to.