Often when I am talking to someone in a toxic relationship they will justify their partner’s behavior by claiming that they are their “soulmate” even when they are enduring emotional and at times, physical abuse.

It is a claim that I can easily relate to. When I was younger I justified an abusive partner’s behavior under the guise that they were my soulmate. It took them screaming at me that they were never going to change their behavior to open my eyes to the fact that I had been fooled by their words and promises and we were “meant to be.”

Whether you want to call it love-bombing or the soul-mate effect, this is far too often a term used by manipulative partners to keep their relationship going long past its expiration date.

I fear that a soulmate has become an idea we have been sold on, instead of really digging into what it should mean and the standards we should hold to a soulmate.

If you have met someone and believe they are your “soulmate” then you should ask yourself if they embody the following qualities.

Many of my clients who are in toxic relationships will often tell me that they don’t feel comfortable disclosing certain information or even fully being themselves.

There are moments when they don’t want to be honest with their significant other because they fear that it could make them mad. They constantly walk on eggshells and worry that one misstep could cause the ruin of the entire relationship.

When I hear these stories it makes my heart ache because I remember when I was in relationships where I couldn’t be honest and transparent with my partner.

An ideal partner will create a space where you can be honest and transparent with them, and you won’t need to hide any part of yourself.

My early twenties were a time in which I struggled to figure out the path I needed to follow.

I had gone through numerous traumatic experiences both in my childhood and early adulthood and was very lost in regards to what I wanted to do as my purpose in life.

That is no excuse, but I believe it is the core reason as to why I wasn’t living up to my potential. During that time I was selfish, I was reckless, and I didn’t want to care about anything or anyone because I had already known so much hurt.

All of that changed when I met my partner. I immediately knew that I would have to change some of my self-destructive behaviors and sought out therapy and began working through my trauma. My partner never asked me to change by any means, I simply realized that I wanted to present the best version of myself to him because that is the person he deserved.

When I was younger I had so many relationships that felt like we were constantly playing games and it was exhausting.

Often it felt like the person I was dating had one foot out the door, and I was constantly questioning whether or not they wanted to actually be together.

My current partner has never caused me the smallest doubt of whether or not he is faithful and wants to commit to our life together.

There are constant communication and trust that is unlike anything else that I had ever experienced and to be honest, it felt like it was too good to be true at the beginning. Yet as the years have passed, the commitment and trust between us remain strong. I have never been so secure and happy in a relationship as I am with him.

Prior to my current relationship, there were so many times I yearned to get away from whoever I was dating at the time, constantly filling up my time with social events and friends.

Now it’s an entirely different scenario. Although I absolutely love (and need) the time with my friends, I am always ready to come home to my partner. There is a feeling of relief and happiness that washes over me every time that I walk through the door.

Every relationship is different. Perhaps I wasn’t ready for a true commitment such as I have now, but there is a security and contentment in the knowledge that when I am home with him there is no other place I would rather be.

A few years ago I was talking about how I wanted to write and do relationship coaching alongside my full-time job.

For months I spoke about my dreams and all the reasons why they couldn’t happen. It makes me cringe to think of all the energy and time I spent coming up with excuses that I could have actually directed towards my goals and ambitions.

My partner listened to my reasons why I couldn’t follow my passion and dreams and began telling me the reasons why I could make them happen. His encouragement gave me confidence and slowly but surely I began to work towards my goals. I have a lifetime of working towards them, but had he not pushed me, I may have never taken that first baby step that led to where I am now.

The reality is that a true soulmate is not someone who puts you down, abuses you, or causes you to doubt how they feel.

 A true soulmate will support and encourage you in everything that you do.  Throughout the ups and downs, even when you are at your lowest they will be your number one fan.

We often seem to forget that a relationship isn’t meant to be a burden or something that causes constant grief and stress.

These May Be the Four Reasons Why

#4. You don’t have a list of deal-breakers

I have a friend that is absolutely wonderful. She is thoughtful, beautiful, intelligent, successful, and in my eyes, she is the ultimate catch.

Although she wants to get married and have a family she has never had a serious relationship in the five years I have known her. Instead, she continually ends up with men who either want to be friends with benefits or want to keep her as a back-up option.

Several months I was ranting to my partner about how I couldn’t understand why my friend couldn’t have a healthy relationship when she is so amazing. When my rant was finished my partner turned to me and said something I know in theory but constantly forget in practice.

“You have no idea what she is like with the men she dates. She could be a completely different person. The way that someone behaves as a friend in no way dictates how they will act in a relationship.”

When I was younger I wanted love so badly.

I threw myself headfirst into my relationships time and time again, pouring everything that I had to offer into other people. When things continually didn’t work out, I began to wonder what was wrong with me but I didn’t bother changing my behavior.

Finally, I had a failed relationship that caused me to finally look within. I found an amazing therapist and began working through my past. Doing so helped me realize that I struggled with abandonment issues due to my childhood and struggled with codependency.

The man that I ended up meeting after working on my trauma is the one that I have been with ever since and I believe that is because I was actually in a place where I could accept and give love in a healthy relationship.

Many people have been burned/encountered infidelity in their relationships.

Some of us are able to heal and trust after that. Others… not as easily.

There is a co-worker I had years ago that had been cheated on by her first serious boyfriend. After her heartache, she completely closed up instead of working through the pain. She kept a safe distance from both possible friends and any future romantic interests. No matter who tried to get closer to her, she assumed that if she opened up, they would burn her in the end and keep them at an arm’s length.

Being cheated on is absolutely horrible. It feels like the world disappears from underneath your feet, I understand as I have been there. But that experience shouldn’t take away your ability to trust and love others, as it really only ends up being unfair… for you.

Time and time again I hear the same story from people who start hooking up/dating someone casually.

In the beginning, both parties involved will agree that they are seeing other people and don’t want things to be exclusive. Yet, one of them almost always ends up being furious when things don’t end up being exclusive because they didn’t actually want things to be casual from the very beginning.

Perhaps it’s because of the movies we have seen such as No Strings Attached, or Friends With Benefits where a hook-up situation ends up leading to a beautiful happy monogamous relationship.

The reality is that you need to take someone at their word. If they say that they aren’t interested in a relationship, take them at face value. Instead of investing months/years into that person, set your efforts towards someone who wants the same level of commitment that you do.

A long time ago I read an article in a magazine that talked about how the author finally realized she had to start having dealbreakers to navigate and find the relationship that she actually wanted.

At first, it was something I didn’t do because it felt… judgemental to just cut someone off as a potential partner because they did things/had traits I didn’t want.

Yet the moment I began putting deal breakers in place my dating life significantly improved.

Because I held fast to my dealbreakers and didn’t date anyone who was a smoker, heavy partier, unmotivated, etc, I began attracting men who were on my wave-length and eventually met my partner who is everything I could have ever wanted in a life partner.

My friend called me last week to let me know that she has decided to start therapy and that she finally cut things off with her latest non-committing romantic interest. Although it has taken her a long time to get to this place, finally accepts that she deserves more.

Navigating dating and relationships is difficult and it is always going to be something that is ever-evolving.

 However, it can be a lot easier if you make sure to put yourself first, ensure that you are communicating your expectations, and letting the right people into your life instead of shutting them out.