If you want relationships worth their work… find your backbone.

There is no one less respected in any relationship than the pushover. It’s true. Despite the fact that abusers, narcissists, and bums will gladly attach to personalities that can’t say “no” they garner no genuine love or respect for them.

 How could you?  The person who moves through life as a doormat is someone who is never genuine. Always masking their truth behind the desires of others, we never have time to see them shine in authenticity, glory, or grace.

Being a doormat is never the right way to go.

Having grown up in the south through the 80s and 90s, I know well what it means to be a doormat in terms of intimate relationships, family bonds, and friendship ties alike. It’s a custom of living there, where it’s easier to say “whatever” than it is to say “no” for women, minorities, and social outliers.

Being a doormat never works, though. It weakens relationships in every way. That’s because no one respects the doormat. No love can be fostered in a relationship without respect.

Making yourself small will never make you big in the eyes of someone else. It will never make them crave your presence in any way, save one. The person who acts as the doormat is appealing only to those who wish to destroy. This is not a person who loves, but a person who consumes.

Consumption is not love. To build authentic relationships with people who show up for us, we must be ourselves in the fullest possible way. But that cannot happen when we are shaping ourselves according to the whims and demands of others.

Why we choose to become doormats.

We can choose to become doormats. Falling into old patterns, we can make excuses and allowances. Or we can choose a better way. Getting to that higher path requires that we look back first. We do we allow ourselves to be put down? To be put at the back of the line? When we understand our reason for behaving a certain way, we are empowered with insight to change it.

Bad examples in childhood

It’s hard to be a professional boundary setter when you never get good examples or good practice. It’s a skill that has to be learned like any other. Putting ourselves second is also a skill we learn — usually from parents and partners who make us feel small, or who punish us for speaking up and speaking out. Those with turbulent and abusive childhoods can very often find themselves falling into people pleasing patterns in a bid for love and validation.

Trauma left unresolved

Trauma is a haunting reminder of the most painful moments in our lives. But rather than lingering solely as an emotional memory, it also becomes lodged in the tissue of our brains and our bodies, too. The longer this trauma is left locked up and unresolved, the worse our mental and physical conditions can become. Our behavior is affected, too. Forever rattled and at odds with the emotions and upset we can’t face, we learn to back down and approach life (and relationships) from a scared and defensive place.

Lack of skill and knowledge

There is a distinct lack of interpersonal skill and knowledge that manifests in those who people please and play the doormat to others. Most of them adopt these behaviors as a means of coping and self-preservation. While they believe that this overtly placid behavior brings them closer to love and acceptance, it ends up leading them squarely down the road of those who are incapable of either. And so heartbreak and disappointment follow. Building better relationship skills is a must in order to break our bad habits.

Low quality relationships

Playing the doormat gives you a first-class, direct ticket to low-quality relationships. It’s inevitable. Placing yourself always in the backseat lands you with partners who are attracted to people they can control or manipulate. More often than not, this lands us in the lap of abusers who take everything they want from us in order to fulfill their own twisted habits. Or we end up users, who also take everything from us until there’s absolutely nothing left to give.

Bottomed-out self-esteem

You don’t play doormat because you have high, healthy self-esteem. These are behaviors adopted by those who don’t realize what they’re worth. Hating themselves, or believing that they’re undeserving of respect — these individuals take whatever the world will give them, rather than demanding more. Bottomed out self-esteem will fool you every time, and it will convince you that you have to sell yourself short in order to earn love or success.

Stuck in the abuse loop

When someone gets used to abusive and destructive habits, it becomes familiar. Even though it hurts them, that familiarity is a comfort. Whenever they’re pushed over the edge or into a new place, they revert to it. If all you’ve ever known is selling yourself short, that becomes your loop. You can jump from relationship-to-relationship into the same boiling pot. You seek the things you know and the pain you’ve become used to.

How to find your backbone and break your doormat habits.

Breaking out of our pushover patterns requires that we re-instate a backbone we never knew we had. This strong core is composed of self-esteem and self-acknowledgement. New perception of self enables us to create a new appreciation for our own space — regardless of who’s in it. Prioritizing yourself as much as others is a superpower. Cutting ties with those who demand less is a must.

Self-esteem is yet another foundation for a happy and self-fulfilled life. People pleasers chase the desires and happiness of others because they aren’t fully in love with and supportive of themselves. They believe themselves to be less worthy than those around them, so they take second place and spend the rest of their energy making others happy. In this decision, they are sold short and left behind. There is nothing left to improve your life without a full love of self and the future you’re moving toward.

Next, move down a level deeper. Look within. What are your internal strengths? What are you good at? What comes naturally to you? Start even on a superficial level here. Then, when you’re good at celebrating the simple things, expand. Look back over a past that hurts, or the mistakes that were made. Embrace those things which make you feel insecure, in pain, or lacking. This total self-acceptance is a must in escaping your doormat patterns.

We can’t move forward in any real way until we learn how to acknowledge our cycles. People pleasers usually work within the same behaviors over-and-over again. They attach hard-and-fast, then they immediately back out of the way in a bid to keep their new loved one sweet. They are terrified of abandonment, so they continue this cycle while telling themselves, “It’s not me. It’s them. I give my all. They are cruel and don’t understand me.” While the people you keep attracting may be toxic, your unwillingness to see your repeats is also toxic.

Acknowledge the cycles that you’re in. Acknowledge the choices that you keep making and the reasoning that lies beneath. Question yourself. Why do you keep choosing people who take more than they give? People who punish you for taking up space. Step outside of your current relationships, and consider every other relationship you’ve held in your life. How have they played out? Are you always chasing something just beyond reach? Admitting where you’re at is a must if you want to create a new path forward.

Too many people hold on to people who push them around because they fear being alone. They won’t get rid of friends, lovers, or family members, because they’re too scared of being left alone with the sound of their own voice. It’s understandable, and it’s a daunting thought too. However, until we learn how to value that science over destructive people — we will continue to fall back into our doormat, people pleasing patterns.

Value your sovereign space as much as you value having people around you. This must (necessarily) come with a willingness to be entirely alone…for as much time as needed. Only those who value peace more than the chaos of others can put themselves in this state. And it is these people who can break from their external validation patterns.

Consider your peace and what it brings you. Spend times on your own, and note how substantially gratifying it can be. If you’re dealing with a lot of chaos in life or relationships, find a way to spend 10–15 minutes on your own weekly (or daily). Take a journal with you. In silence, describe what it feels like to be alone. The more time you spend alone, in this place where you can enjoy yourself and your thoughts for company, you will learn to appreciate the silence and stillness of a life lived without those who cause chaos.

Apology patterns come naturally to the person who is used to putting themselves at the mercy of others. When you make yourself always small for others, you wind up saying, “I’m sorry” any time you take up space. It’s a pathetic way to live — always groveling for the validation you aren’t strong enough to give yourself. Giving up these apology patterns is a must in ending out doormat, people-pleasing patterns too.

Stop apologizing all the time for who you are and what you want. Stop apologizing when you set boundaries or stand up for yourself. None of these things are wrong. They are reacted to wrongly by people who don’t want you to take up space around them. When we stop apologizing, we see just how much we have been trying to squeeze ourselves down into tiny little boxes for the sake of others. Start small. Keep a small hairband on your wrist and pop it gently each time you apologize (or get the urge).

Spending your life as a doormat doesn’t exactly set you up for a life surrounded by caring and welcoming people. Quite the opposite. When you stand up for yourself, you may notice a shift and a lot of resistance. Frankly, some people in your life may reject your right to taking up space. It’s up to you at this point to make some serious decisions. Toxic people don’t have a right to take up room in your life. But they will, unless you grow up, grow a backbone, and tell them to kick rocks.

Find an unwillingness to compromise with these people. Think about it. Why do you have to compromise your happiness so that they can be more comfortable? You don’t. That’s a one sided relationship, and it’s blocking your greater growth. Distance yourself mentally and emotionally from those who are unwilling to support your independence of mind and heart. If their behavior becomes toxic, cut ties entirely and allow yourself to start over with people who can see and value you for who you are.

There’s more than one way to feel lonely.

Identifying your loneliness type can help you get back to the root of what matters.

Loneliness is a struggle and a hard one to overcome. When we’re lonely, it feels as though we’re wading through grief every single day. It causes us to doubt ourselves and the relationships around us. Not all loneliness looks the same, though. Overcoming this pain requires that we face it bravely and name it for what it is. Then we can take action to put our lives back on track to happiness.

What type of loneliness are you struggling with? Are you fighting an uphill battle against superficial friendships? Are you craving a companion pet, or an intimate relationship with that one special person? When we acknowledge why we’re lonely, we can focus and take action to correct it in the future.

It’s hard to deny the inherent loneliness that comes with superficial friendships. Skin-deep friendships don’t offer up a lot; especially when we’re going through hard times, or we need the support of people who know us. Superficial friendships can offer us a lot when it comes to having fun, but they aren’t connections that last and they’re not connections that bring a lot of core values to the table.

Although loneliness is uncomfortable, it can also be a sign of new growth and good things. This is especially true when we’re starting over in a new place. Maybe you’re setting yourself up in a new city where you don’t know anyone and don’t have a set routine. Maybe you’ve moved jobs, and it’s your first quarter at a new company. When we wipe the slate clean with big change, it’s scary. It can cause us to feel isolated and alone in the experience — but it’s only temporary.

Not all loneliness comes from a lack of human connection. Sometimes, our longing for connection can step from a lack of connection with a companion pet. It’s understandable. Our animals bring a sense of comfort, love, and connection to our lives, and they fill our homes with warmth and personality. Are you someone who has always been surrounded by animals? Do you suddenly find yourself unable to care for a pet? Your loneliness could be stemming from your need to connect with the animal world.

Often our loneliness can come from a much deeper and more complex place. Have you ever felt like you’re the odd man out? Like you don’t belong in the environment that you’re in? Rather than longing for a specific relationship with someone, you start to long for a broader relationship with the outside world. When you feel different from everyone around you, it can cause loneliness. If don’t feel like you fit in or belong in the environment that you’re in, you start to feel isolated as an outcast.

Humans are very social creatures, and many of us crave deeply intimate relationships (that are non-romantic in nature). We want to be surrounded by people who love us unconditionally; people who cheer us on when things are tough. When you don’t have a deep emotional connection at home, it can lead to loneliness. This doesn’t necessarily have to be a romantic partner. It’s simply a person that you share a deep connection with. They are someone who you can come home and share with and get support from.

Believe it or not, you can become incredibly lonely when you grow apart from people who were once important to you. Although this is a natural process, it’s a painful one. We watch our friends and loved ones move in different directions while we are also forced to pull away toward our own fulfillment. Moving past this requires looking at the bigger picture and embracing change for the value that it brings.

Does your loneliness come from a lack of romance or physical intimacy in your life? The most common type of loneliness, this is the one we are most conditioned to recognize in ourselves and others too. Some people need that romantic closeness with another person in order to complete their happiness puzzle. That’s okay. If you need a close partner or spouse in your life, admit that and start focusing on the steps you can take to find that.

Your loneliness doesn’t have to rule you. It doesn’t have to destroy your path to happiness, and it doesn’t have to be your reality. You can choose to live a different life, and you can choose to surround yourself with love. By shifting our perspective, falling in love with ourselves, and committing to making a plan, we can find our way out of loneliness and back into fulfillment.

We spend a lot of time and energy looking at our loneliness like the worst thing in the world. From the time we are small, we fear being alone. We don’t like the thought of being alone with ourselves, and we don’t like the thought of being alone against the world. That’s why one of the best ways to beat your loneliness is by shifting your perspective and the way you see your time alone. Rather than dreading it, you can see it as a benefit. It’s not an empty space. It’s time to invest in who you are and what you want.

Use the excess space around you to invest in yourself. We only have a limited amount of energy and focus to give our partners, our friends, and all the other joys in our life. Instead of seeing this space as a bad thing, they saw it as an opportunity to slow down and focus inward in the best possible way.

Avoid rumination. Loneliness is a negative emotion, and it has a way of making us obsess and over-focus on it. The more focused on loneliness you are, the more you will find it everywhere you look. Don’t give it that much power over your life. You can either distract yourself in a positive way — or you can stay miserable. While we all experience loneliness, we make the choice to wallow in or correct it. Want to banish your loneliness once and for all? Seek personal growth and self-actualization through self-care and mindful internal work.

Your loneliness may be something that occurs outside of your control. We can’t always decide who comes in and out of our lives, or where we find ourselves planted anew. We can, however, be the architects of our loneliness. We can decide what it looks like, and we can plan for its end. Once you know what kind of lonely you are, you can make a plan to change things in your life. Lonely doesn’t have to mean “alone forever”. You can build a new horizon for yourself and turn things around.

Make a plan to turn things around. While loneliness feels like a heavy, permanent emotion — it’s not. Plan to get a pet, improve yourself, and make your life habitable for a partner that complements your needs. Start with the smallest possible action you can take. What life do you need to create to attract the connection that you’re looking for?

Don’t allow yourself to fall into negative assumptions. Avoid absolute thoughts like, “I’m going to be alone forever.” Our world is vast, with billions of people and millions of opportunities. The right environment is out there for you. The right lover, friend, or life partner exists for you to find. You simply have to get yourself on the same path. Focus on building your confidence and pursuing an authentic lifestyle. Slowly, you’ll find yourself heading toward people and experiences that meet your needs.

So much of our loneliness comes from the endless sources of negativity in our lives. These are the people who make us feel small; the experiences that isolate us or otherwise make us imagine we don’t belong. Being aligned with the wrong people, the wrong work, and the wrong environments can lead to feelings of loneliness that are hard to navigate. In order to avoid this loneliness, we have to take charge of the world. That means closing down sources of negativity so more positivity can come into our lives.

It’s time for you to realize that you there is limited real estate in your life. To get the most out of your environment, you’re going to have to clear it of superficial or toxic people. That’s how you find the room for the deeper connections that you crave.

Clear your life of sources of negativity. Are you struggling with loneliness of superficial and tiring friendships? Cut them off. Move them to a different space in your life so that the right people can come in. The same goes for your intimate or romantic needs. If you want that perfect partner to walk into your life, the toxic ones have to go. Stop holding on to things that are blocking good from coming to you. To move toward the things you want and value, move away from the things which are no longer suiting you.

Passions are so important. We all need hobbies, pastimes, and interests that we enjoy. These things help to provide us with a sense of meaning and a sense of belonging, too. We are often lonely because we put too much weight on the presence of others in our lives. If we hope to move past this feeling of being alone, we can distract ourselves and expand our perception of belonging and happiness by getting involved in things we enjoy.

Fill up the excess room in your life with things you love to do and experiences that make you a better person. You need to reconnect with the things that bring you joy. You need to get back into the swing of things that make you happy. By pursuing these avenues, you will open up your heart and your opportunities to connect.

We are empowered to find love in our life through experience. We find partners, pets, and fulfilling opportunity when we allow ourselves to branch out and fall into the places and patterns that bring us where we need to be. Instead of chasing what you think you need from others, allow yourself to explore the world and find a natural flow to your life. From there, your friendships and relationships will bloom naturally, and your loneliness will one day become a thing of the pass.

There’s a lot of research out there that has given substantial weight to the art of altruism. Doing good things for people (and animals) is good for us. It’s good for our hearts, our bodies, and our minds.

Giving of yourself allows you to get outside of the negativity. It changes the way you see things and the way you see yourself in the world. Rather than being overwhelmed by your loneliness, it’s given a backseat while you focus on charity and the hardships of those who are struggling.

Give more of yourself to those who need it most. Pick out a local charity and get in touch. Ask what you can do to help and offer any skills you have that may be of value to them. Giving of ourselves gets us outside of ourselves and out of the chaos that becomes our obsessively lonely thoughts.

Practice mindful altruism and make it a regular part of your schedule. While getting hands on is the best way to remind yourself of what matters, there’s no end to the charities and organizations you can help and access. Give outside of yourself. Get away from the nagging thoughts of involuntary solitude by investing your time and energy into people (or pets) that have even less than you do. It will change the way you see your circumstances and the way you see yourself too.