Relationships naturally go through various stages of development and change over time as couples transition between romance, conflict, and resolution. Quite often, the same qualities that served as powerful early attractors toward your partner later become perceived as sources of discontent.

The expectation for long-term relationships to remain entrenched in blissful romance, without any negotiation of needs/expectations or commitment to growth as a couple is unrealistic. It is when we start to view these natural relationship transitions as threatening and absolve ourselves of responsibility that a problematic relationship cycle can intensify.

While there are certainly a host of serious issues that can plague the core of any relationship, it is often the case that problems begin to appear larger than they truly are due to the attitude that we take toward them, the responsibility that we assume for the role we play in the relationship dynamic, and the meaning or interpretation that we assign (consciously or otherwise) to our partners’ behaviors.

It is important to recognize that when you enter into a romantic relationship with another individual, you bring with you a large body of personal values, goals, expectations, personality traits, and temperament that are all your own. Your partner is not responsible for the way that you were raised, your past relationship history, your belief system, or your sense of yourself as an individual.

A relationship is the connection of two separate individuals who come together in the hopes of finding compatibility, sharing hopes/dreams, finding love/support, and building a life together rich with shared meaning and purpose.

Many relationship expectations are artifacts from your own history that you may be unwittingly bringing into your current partnership. For example, if your parent or previous partner(s) always did something like take out the trash, cook dinner, or pick their socks up off the floor, the absence of these habits in your current partner may stand out to you as being much more important than someone who was not “taught” to have these expectations in relationships.

The idea is that we learn through repeated experiences with our parents and romantic partners what to expect (and not expect) from current relationships. Awareness of these expectations can be an important step toward developing compassion for your partner and releasing expectations that may not be all that important in the grand scheme of things. When expectations go unmet that truly are nonnegotiable in your mind, the onus is on you to directly communicate those needs.

If you find yourself navigating through what feels like a conflict stage of your relationship, take a few moments to mindfully step back and look at the big picture. Take stock of what other factors in each of your individual and shared lives may be contributing to your sense of distress.

Consider ways in which that distress can be transformed into a form of eustress that strengthens your relationship. If you truly want to work through the conflict in your relationship, you must be willing to clearly state your needs/expectations and then be willing to leave the relationship if you reach a point where it becomes clear that compromise cannot be reached.

During times of external stress, it is easy for judgments to become clouded and to direct negativity toward yourself, your partner, and the relationship. Rather than express your stress by labeling and judging each and everything your partner does and doesn’t do, imagine what it would be like to focus on the things that you can do differently to bring about playfulness, love, compromise, and harmony in your relationship.

Unwillingness to reflect on the role that you play in creating the relationship dynamic has the potential of prematurely ending a relationship and ultimately trading one set of relationship problems for a “new” set of problems with another partner.

If you truly want to stay in your relationship, it is clear that things must change. Rather than focusing immediately on all the ways in which your partner could change, try starting with yourself. You may be surprised by the power that changing your attitude, perspective, and behaviors can actually have on influencing your authentic emotions in the relationship, as well as indirectly “changing” your partner for the better. Make the choice to put “we” before “me” in the relationship and notice the consequences.

Remember that if you look for something long enough and persistently enough, you’re quite likely to find some evidence to confirm your hypotheses about “what kind of person” your partner may or may not be. In fact, expecting negative qualities from your partner and being reluctant to give them the benefit of the doubt may even lead to confirmation that you were “right” after all, simply because your partner became increasingly influenced by your attitudes and judgments.

When you choose to focus on what you’re getting in a relationship, as opposed to what you’re giving, resentment and frustration may naturally build. No matter how irritating your partner’s behavior may be in the moment, remember that your interpretation of that behavior and the meaning that you assign to it plays a powerful role in determining a positive or negative outcome.

Interpretations of Problematic Relationship Behaviors

Consider the following typical interpretations of problematic behaviors in relationships. Take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to be open and willing to acknowledge tendencies that you may have to gravitate toward these interpretations. Consider how your relationship may be more positively impacted by consciously shifting the meaning that you assign to each (real or perceived) problematic behavior.

This interpretive stance may be experienced as a tendency to take your partner’s behaviors very personally, perceiving each irritating or unwanted behavior as a personal slight.

For example, imagine that your partner has come home from a stressful day and doesn’t greet you with the same hug or smile that you have grown accustomed to – interpreting this behavior as “deliberate” involves reacting to this behavior by deciding it means that he or she doesn’t care about or prioritize you.

A more productive way to approach this same scenario would be to engage in cognitive reappraisal, thinking to yourself, “It looks like my partner just had a really stressful day.” Remember that many of us periodically engage in behaviors without consistent mindfulness or attention to how those actions may be impacting others. If this is a regular habit, it is worth addressing, but it is also important to give your partner a bit of leeway if they occasionally come across as distant or overly focused on themselves.

Take a step back and honestly appraise the degree to which your partner creates messiness in their own personal “domain” (e.g., their personal office or closet) versus messiness for all members of the household to experience.

In 80% of couples who live together, messiness or disorganization tends to be reported as a significant source of tension in the relationship. You must be willing to accept the fact that you cannot truly change another person… and expecting your partner to morph into a person who organizes and cleans just as you do is self-centered and unrealistic.

If you find yourself feeling openly disrespected by messiness, express willingness to verbalize in kind and direct terms what is bothering you. Give your partner specific examples of things you would like to be different (as they impact your shared living space or an expectation from your partner for you to clean up after him or her).

When an issue such as this becomes gridlocked and resistant to change, remember that you always have the power to change your attitude. If the messiness bothers you significantly, choose to reframe the situation by reminding yourself of positive behaviors that you appreciate in your partner that are much more important.

The ways in which we learn to express and receive love are learned over the course of time as a complex result of many interactions that we have had with important attachment figures in our lives. Just because your partner has learned what love looks like or feels like differently than you have, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the love you desire is not authentically present behind his or her actions.

For example, perhaps your partner feels like a simple expression of love is a hug and kiss when you come home, whereas you feel like an expression of love is going out to do an activity together.

If you become willing to let go of the notion that there is a “right” and “wrong” way of expressing love (aside from abusiveness) and are open to expressing your feelings to your partner in a way that he or she can best receive them, love may arise more naturally. We often express and show our love to others in the way that we would like to receive love from others.

That doesn’t make anyone’s partner “bad” for expressing love in this way, it simply means that increased self-awareness and willingness adapt to your partner’s needs may be helpful. When you truly wish for your partner to feel your love and support, the realization of this truth may make it much easier to consciously adapt the way that you express your love.

I look forward to exploring seven more common relationship conflicts in my next post, “Stop Trying to Change Your Partner: Change Your Attitude – Part Two” along with the importance of how we assign meaning and interpret those problematic behaviors. Keep in mind that the way you respond in any given situation, no matter how irritating or hurtful, is up to you.

If you feel a sense of uncertainty over just how “important” any of these common relationship issues truly are to you, try investing time in reflecting on your authentic self in a mindful way. When you develop a clearer sense of exactly who you are and your deepest desires and expectations in a relationship, greater clarity and peace of mind may be reached.

My last post, “Stop Trying to Change Your Partner: Change Your Attitude – Part One,” began to focus on the multitude of ways in which the attitudes, expectations, and interpretations of behaviors that you bring with you into relationships can have powerful impacts on overall relationship satisfaction.

There is often a natural tendency when something “feels off” or “goes wrong” to begin looking toward your partner’s behaviors and attitudes in an attempt to make sense of the inner feeling of discontent. It can be much more challenging to examine your own behaviors, attitudes, and expectations.

Your partner is never going to say or do “just the right thing” at each and every moment that you wish he or she would. It is during these times when you feel as though some deeper emotional need is not being met, to look inward to yourself first. When there is a persistent desire to connect outwardly with your partner, this may ultimately be experienced as draining (for both of you) and result in increased withdrawal or avoidance.

It is worthwhile to honestly reflect on how connected you truly feel to yourself and how much love you are directing toward yourself. When you are unconnected and unloving toward yourself, it is nearly impossible to be connected and loving with another. Perhaps the notion of being disconnected from or unloving toward your true self feels frightening or confusing.

This is actually an excellent place to begin the process of mindfully getting to know who you really are, what your authentic emotional experience is, and what you truly want and need out of both a relationship and life.

If you find yourself caught in a cycle of discontent or disconnection from your partner, take some time to reflect on the ways in which you may contribute to the cycle. Take a step back and look at the big picture. When you use mindfulness exercises to step into your observing self, simply notice the meanings and interpretations that you attribute to your partner’s behaviors. How might taking on a new attitude or perspective bring you a greater sense of peace, harmony, and calm wisdom?

Interpretations of Problematic Relationship Behaviors

As continued in my last post, there are seven common relationship conflicts and interpretations. Allow yourself the freedom to authentically look at the ways in which you may be unfairly or inaccurately attributing distorted or overly negative interpretations toward your partner’s behaviors. As long as your partner’s actions are not abusive toward you, others, or themselves, allow yourself the psychological flexibility to examine them from a new perspective.

Cultivating and maintaining a general attitude of goodwill makes it increasingly likely to feel happy (even eager) to do loving, supportive, or practical things for your partner. When one person in a relationship begins to feel increasingly unappreciated or unnoticed for the big or small acts he or she makes to benefit the relationship, resentment may slowly build. In many relationships, the sense that acts of kindness, love, or responsibility toward the partnership are going unnoticed can result in feeling less inclined to positively invest in the relationship.

Rather than assume that your partner is oblivious to your acts of kindness, love, or sacrifice, make the choice to engage in direct communication. If your partner is unaware of what types of behaviors help you feel appreciated, they may be under the (false) impression that you simply “know” how much they appreciate you.

Have you entertained the possibility that your painful emotional experience is more about you than about what your partner is or isn’t doing? Try noticing the attitude that you take when you do positive things for your relationship… is it accompanied by an underlying sense of waiting to be “repaid” for all that you do or is it with an attitude of generosity and joy?

If you feel resolute in knowing that you contribute much more to the relationship in ways that are unjust or degrading to yourself, you can still direct the focus (not “blame”) initially toward yourself. How can you begin to act differently, more assertively, or more authentically in ways that will send the message to your partner that you expect an equal and balanced relationship?

Rather than waiting for your partner to pick up on subtle clues or hints about what it is that you need, try making it explicit. For some people, there is a deep fear of speaking up about their true needs/feelings due to early maladaptive schemas continuing to interfere in their adult lives.

Consider the ways in which you generally interpret and assign meaning to requests from your partner. One study in particular found a sense of being controlled by one’s partner is the source of approximately 40% of complaints in relationships. No one likes to be told what to do. It is important to consider the ways in which you are interpreting requests from your partner… how are you choosing to label or assign meaning to those requests?

Successful relationships involve attributing positive intentions behind your partner’s behaviors, which requires that you take a step back and ask yourself what the potential motivations/reasons might be for statements or requests that you perceive as controlling. Could it be that your partner’s expressions of second-guessing your decisions mean that he or she is genuinely concerned about you? When you begin to look at your partner’s behaviors as coming from a well-intentioned place, ask yourself what unmet emotional needs those requests may be illuminating.

As you reflect on your partner’s deeper emotional needs in a relationship with you, ask yourself how willing you are to engage in open dialogue about those needs and find compromises… or perhaps you need to admit to yourself that those needs are too incompatible with your own relationship expectations or personal goals.

Rather than engaging in the automatic thought process that emotional “needs” are inherently bad/wrong, take a step back and recognize what your partner’s actual needs are (without assigning judgment). If you find yourself incapable or unwilling to meet your partner’s most cherished expectations in a relationship, it is always possible that you are doing a disservice to both yourself and to your partner by staying.

Individuals have marked variations in their desires and expectations for emotional and physical intimacy. While it is natural for levels of intimacy in a long-term relationship to fluctuate over time, it is important to recognize the underlying themes behind the interpretations and meanings that each of you assigns to intimacy in your relationship.

As you reflect on boundaries and intimacy, do you find yourself entrenched in a pattern of interpreting your partner’s hugs, kisses, or sharing of emotions as unpleasant, unwanted, or intrusive? It is always possible to transform intimate patterns from a cycle of avoidance and withdrawal to one of connectedness and closeness through changes in your attitude and willingness to engage in new behaviors (even if you don’t always feel like it).

Your partner’s willingness to engage in flirtatious behaviors with others may be a sign that there is a current lack of closeness in the relationship and an indication of your partner feeling unfulfilled in their need for playfulness, attention, or self-esteem. It is possible to shift your attitude toward this behavior by stepping outside of your own hurt feelings to ask yourself what your partner is truly seeking.

Depending on the individual, this may be a sign of resentment, lack of quality time as a couple, feeling like a low priority, etc. While your partner is clearly responsible for their own behaviors, it is always worth examining the role that you play as an active participant in the relationship.

Many general annoyances with partners arise out of real and perceived differences. Rest assured that for every irritation you may have about your partner being “too” social, spontaneous, organized, adventurous, creative, intellectual, etc… there is someone else out there in another relationship wishing their partner was more like yours (and sometimes, really just more like themselves).

Part of changing your perspective in this regard is to accept the inevitable fact that there are bound to be differences in personality traits, preferences, hobbies, and temperaments between individuals. It is often a mistake (particularly for the health of your relationship) to decide that your partner’s preferences or needs are less valid or worthy of fulfillment simply because they differ from your own.

If you increase awareness of your personality differences and variations in general preferences, you can make the choice to become more accepting of your partner and find ways to be understanding of these differences while still retaining a loving bond. Consider the ways in which those personality differences can bring strength to the relationship or encourage you to see the world from a fresh perspective.

When one partner feels the other simply isn’t holding up their end of the “bargain” (through financial, childcare, household, emotional, time-related responsibilities, etc.) resentment is likely to build.

Once again… with just about all relationship “irritants,” it’s a matter of perspective. In a somewhat sad irony, couples who try to divide responsibilities right down the middle in a rigid way often end up particularly unhappy – an inherent part of this overly simplistic division of responsibilities is that your and your partner’s attention is drawn toward measuring, assessing, and arguing over who is doing “enough.”

Consider whether or not you feel overall that you and your partner give and receive in a roughly equal manner. As you reflect on your own attitude and perspective, is it possible that you are not noticing some ways that your partner contributes to the relationship?

For example, through paying bills, doing household chores, taking care of children or pets, or building a future for the two of you? Take into consideration the “measuring stick” that you use when you think about the concept of fairness in relationships and ask yourself if perhaps your partner is contributing more to the relationship than you are noticing.

Criticism creates a natural tendency for your partner to physically/emotionally withdraw, become defensive/resistant, develop deep self-doubts, or slowly begin to simply dislike being around you.

Dr. John Gottman, the renowned couples therapist, and developer of Gottman Method Couples Therapy state that men are more likely to react to “annoyances” by shutting down and refusing to engage, whereas women are more likely to actively voice their concerns (and may even tell their partner precisely what is “wrong with them” and what needs to change). It may be self-evident that these are both ineffective problem-solving strategies.

Many couples get caught up in cycles of rehashing the same issues (what Gottman refers to as the “perpetual problems” inherent to all relationships). Criticism inherently involves focusing on the negative and is not solution-focused. Gottman’s research has indicated that 69% of all marital problems are “unsolvable” due to personality differences and needs intimately tied to one’s core view of the self.

You can change your attitude and behaviors – finding a way that works for both of you in dealing with fundamental differences – or you can trade your current partner for another one with a whole “new” set of differences to work through.

As you reflect on changing your own attitude, actions, and interpretations of your partner’s behavior, can you imagine how your relationship may (or may not) be different if you were to be your most authentic self? Do you feel a sense of commitment, teamwork, love, and friendship with your partner? As you take all of these factors into consideration, remember to take a step back and look at your relationship (and your own relationship patterns) from a mindful perspective.