We’ve learned a lot. We’ve created many amazing things.

We’ve figured out how to use natural resources in ingenious ways to provide for ourselves. To not only provide for ourselves, but to live a relatively comfortable lifestyle.

A middle class person living today enjoys more luxury than the richest person in the world did a century ago. Yet we still have billions of people struggling. Even in first world countries we have millions of people struggling to simply pay their rent or own a small house. Most of us have to slave away for decades under the rule of bosses and money lenders before we can own a modest home to live in.

We’ve come a long way economically (and socially). There are far fewer people living in poverty (per capita) than ever before. People live longer. More people can read and write. Violent crime has gone down. There are fewer major wars. Women and people of color have more rights (people in general have more rights). But with everything that we’ve accomplished we still have major gaps in lifestyle.

In other words, greed is still a major problem. There’s no easy fix. We need a market economy — we need capitalism. But we also need a spiritual revolution, where capitalism is seen as a way of serving humanity, rather than serving self. Not enough of us have come to the realization that our spiritual life and our service to others should be our priority.

We’re all in the business of serving others (except for thieves). But not everyone knows they are. Most people are merely doing a job — doing what the boss wants them to do, in order to keep getting paid.

There are even entrepreneurs who don’t realize that they’re in the business of serving people. Instead, they think they’re in the business of extracting money from people.

Satisfaction in the workplace, and in business, belongs to those who know their job is to provide a service to others. Especially when it’s something you’re uniquely gifted to do and that provides people with not merely what they want, but what they need.

“Actions speak louder than words!”

There’s a lot of truth to this expression.

But our words still hold tremendous power. This is particularly true since a high percentage of our conversations have moved to video and we can only see people from the neck up.

When it comes to keeping our relationships tight, keeping track of the phrases that light people up is a valuable exercise. But don’t underestimate the importance of getting clear on the phrases that drag people down and banishing them from your vocabulary. After all, not saying something that annoys people doesn’t automatically make you likable, but it sure helps.

Over the last year, I’ve been collecting the phrases people love to hear along with those that make their ears bleed. As we wrap up 2020, give people the gift in 2021 of sparing them from hearing the phrases below.

Maybe you can get away with saying this phrase if someone hasn’t replied to your kids’ birthday party. But even then, “Liam’s party is next Saturday at 1 PM and we’d love for you to be there,” accomplishes the same thing without using fluffy language.

Say “This is just a friendly reminder” or “Just a friendly nudge” to yourself in a variety of tones. They all sound annoying, right?

If you need an update from someone, don’t dance. “Can you give me a status….?” is fine. The same goes for letting people know the due date again to reinforce the information you’re requesting is important to you.

“Let’s table that for now!”
“Let’s play it by ear!”
“Let me sit with that!”
“Let’s touch base on that later!”

According to my friend Marina Glazman, all of these phrases are code for “I don’t care about this, so please f-off!”

Instead of saying something generic, give people a specific response: “Let’s talk about that tomorrow. I’m available at 10 AM.” Or, if it’s something you’re definitely not interested in, let people know your reasoning in private and move on. They may not like it. But it beats the hell out of being strung along.

I told a friend I submitted an article to a big name publication and he replied by saying, “Good luck with that!” He might as well have told me I didn’t stand a chance in hell.

When someone’s excited about something, they may not be looking for your approval. But they are looking for your support.

“They’d be lucky to have you” or “You’ve put in the work” is much better than saying “Good luck with that” or even “Good luck.”

Like a lot of the phrases on this list, it’s impossible to say “As I said before” without sounding condescending. So instead of saying it, or its equally annoying cousin, “At the risk of repeating myself,” rephrase your message or just go ahead and repeat yourself.

When it comes to the written word, the burden of clarity always falls on the writer, not the reader. The same goes for the words you say.

Maybe you didn’t communicate as well as you had thought.
Or maybe people are missing crucial information that you assumed they had.
Or maybe they simply didn’t hear you the first time.

“If you want people to think you’re full of shit, tell them you’re being honest.” My friend Joan Garcia said this to me and I couldn’t agree more. The phrases “If I’m being honest” or “Honestly” begs the question — “Are you normally not honest?”

When it comes to communication, cut the fluff. This is especially true when you use words that make people question your integrity. The phrase “I’m not gonna lie” doesn’t help your cause either.

If what someone’s talking about is off-topic during a group conversation, saying “Interesting point. Let’s talk about it after the call” is so much better than “Let’s take this offline.”

Like my wife Laia recently said, “Just because the use of technology continues to rise, doesn’t mean we need to talk like robots.”

Much like the phrases, “No offense, but” or “I probably shouldn’t say this” rarely does something positive come after the words “With all due respect.”

Sometimes we have to say things that people may not be looking to hear. When you are in this position, just come out and say what the problem is. People may not love it at the moment, but it can build trust in the long-run as we all need people around us who will give it to us straight.

Plus, “Your presentation skills need work,” is much kinder than adding in a snarky comment before it like “With all due respect.”

I asked my Linkedin network which phrases bug them the most and “Let’s circle back to that!” topped the list. People interpret these words as what they’re saying isn’t worth your time or you don’t know the answer to their question.

The next time you feel the urge to say “Let’s circle back to that” stop yourself and consider the following words instead — “That’s a good point. Let’s talk about it tomorrow morning” or “That’s a good question and I don’t know the answer. But I’ll find out and let you know before the end of the day.”

“I told you a bitcoin boom was coming!”

People don’t like to be reminded you’re smarter than them. And they certainly don’t like to be reminded their life could be better if they’d only listened to your advice.

Our job isn’t to always make other people feel better — sometimes it’s simply to not make people feel worse. Removing the words “I saw that one coming” and any variation of “I told you so” from your vocabulary is an effective way to do that.

“Chin up! Give it some time. Everything will be okay!”

Like most of these phrases, I’ve been guilty of saying, “Everything will be okay,” and also “Everything happens for a reason.” But more times than not, they came out as a reaction instead of taking the time to say a thoughtful response.

If we’ve learned anything this past year, it’s that not everything is going to be okay and not everything happens for a reason. When something bad happens to someone you care about, instead of encouraging them to look for a silver lining, let them lean on you. After all, sometimes the best thing we can say is nothing at all.

Observations from 42 trips around the sun

I’ve never sat down to count the countries I’ve been to or the cities I lived in. But combine getting bitten early with the travel bug as a military brat and working across three continents over the last 20 years, I’m fortunate to have gotten to know many different kinds of people from many parts of the world.

While writing an article about how to attract beautiful people into our lives, I found myself thinking about these experiences and what true beauty looks like.

Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder as we each are attracted to and value different things. That being said, no matter where I was living, or what I was doing, the people who demonstrate the 5 traits below best represent true beauty to me personally.

The first time I spoke to my friend Sinem Günel, I asked her what her plans were for the future. Without a moment’s hesitation, she replied in a self-assured voice, “Give young people more confidence!”

When I close my eyes and think about what beauty really looks like, I envision someone like Sinem, a 23-year-old woman in Vienna, who’s doing what she can — with what she has — to build up the people around her.

In short, I see a teacher.

These are the questions beautiful people ask themselves. From what I know about Sinem, she is the hallmark of a beautiful person.

My son, Liam, goes to a school down the street from our apartment that houses kids with varying income levels from 31 countries. When I asked his teacher if she found this to be challenging, she replied, “Are you kidding? Getting to know both the children and their families from so many different parts of the world has been incredibly fulfilling. I can’t count the number of times they’ve taught me a new way to look at something. I may be the teacher but I’m the one who is learning the most.”

It’s hard for me not to admire someone who thinks this way. Someone who is not only curious about the world and the people in it, but who is also open to implementing the things they learn to better understand how other people live.

It’s human nature to wrap ourselves up in familiarity. Surrounding ourselves with people who eat like us and act like us makes us feel safe. It’s comforting. But from my perspective, both strength and beauty are most represented in those who view diversity as our greatest connector.

My son’s teacher, Anna, may think it’s strange that after years of living in Catalunya I still prefer my coffee black. But what makes her a beautiful person is that when we are hanging out after school together she isn’t afraid to drink a cup.

One of my closest friends here in Catalunya, Joan, is a master of the “follow-up.” Like clockwork, whenever I have something going on in my life, he either wishes me luck prior to the event taking place or checks in to see how it went.

My friend Nick Wignall shares this quality and every time we speak on the phone he says the magic words that show me he is not only listening to me but he truly cares: “The last time we spoke you told me X. How’s it going?”

Of course, these two have their own goals. But they understand that life is a helluva lot more fun when you stop thinking only about yourself.

Not only that, experience has taught them that human beings aren’t one thing or another, but rather a vast collection of details and it’s each of our jobs to make the little dots of others shine a bit brighter.

Some people may describe Joan and Nick as handsome. But don’t let their good looks fool you. Deep down the two of them are also smoking hot.

The first time I talked to my mom after my dad squeezed my shoulder and told me she had cancer, I asked how she was doing. In a moment that perfectly sums up my mom she rattled off a list of all she was thankful for.

Other than Trump, I can’t recall one time she has complained and I definitely can’t remember one time she’s ever said, “I wish I had that.” Instead, she approaches each day as a treasure hunt to find the beauty around her.

My brother Steve shares this outlook on the world. When he too was hit with a life-threatening illness, when I asked him how he was holding-up he replied in a serious voice, “Can’t complain. I have two good dogs, a great wife, and a loving family. Life’s been good to me.”

Like all people, life hasn’t always been easy for my mom and brother. Regardless of this, if you were lost at sea with my mom she’d find a way to make you and laugh and if you were stuck in traffic with my brother you’d hear a lot of crazy stories.

Of course, I’m partial. But their quest to focus on the good in front of them instead of the bad things around them is a giant reason why I see my mom and brother as beautiful people.

Just a few weeks ago I said something to my friend Tom Kuegler that was way out of line. Before I even had a chance to apologize, however, he said, “Mike, I know you. It’s forgotten.”

The best part about getting older is that if you pay attention some patterns begin to emerge. One of the most glaring patterns for me is the people who make the hard choice to stick with people through their ugliest moments are also the ones who have the most meaningful relationships.

It’s easy to like someone when things are going well. However, the mark of a beautiful person, as Tom demonstrated, is how they choose to act when things go wrong.

They don’t rush to judgment. They step back and look at the person as a whole instead of labeling them for one mistake. They answer the phone when someone who pissed them off reaches out to try to make amends.

This doesn’t mean they always leave their door wide open. But beautiful people do try to leave it a little ajar. They do this because they know they aren’t perfect either and the scars we share with others have a funny way of turning into strong bonds over time.

What does a beautiful person look like?

The first time I asked myself this question it sounded fluffy and I thought there was no way I’d ever run an article listing the traits of others that I thought were beautiful.

But I wish I hadn’t waited 42 years to do it. Thinking about this question the last week has been a valuable exercise. Just having it float around in the back of my head has helped me to think about the good around me instead of getting so damn frustrated with all the bad things happening in the world.

Look at the people around you.
See them.
Listen to them.

Take note of the qualities that make them beautiful.

It’s hard not to find something attractive in others if we make the choice to proactively look for it.