Let these bad habits go and your emotional strength will rise

It’s a common misconception that some people are just “emotionally strong” while others are not.

And while there are of course some genetic influences on how well we handle our emotions, the much bigger influence is this:

In my job as a psychologist, I work with people every day who feel emotionally weak:

But often what leads to all this emotional struggle is a collection of destructive mental habits—often learned and reinforced long ago in early childhood but never unlearned.

Thankfully, anyone can learn to become more emotionally strong. The key is to identify and eliminate the unhelpful mental habits that cause so much unnecessary emotional suffering.

Let go of these 4 habits and you’ll find that you area far more emotionally strong than you believe.

Most people imagine that with enough effort or skills, they should be able to control their emotions:

But if you stop and think about it, is this really a realistic goal?

If feeling happy, for example, were as simple as flipping your happiness switch, no one would ever need to visit therapists like me or read self-improvement articles like this one!

Unfortunately, when you do try and force yourself feel differently, it usually doesn’t go so well…

So, the next time you feel bad or upset, instead of asking:  How can I make this feeling go away? 

Try this:

 What can I do despite feeling bad and that would be good for me?  Just because you have a thought doesn’t make it true.

As human beings, our ability to think rationally and creatively is one of our greatest strengths. Without it, we wouldn’t have Beethoven’s sonatas, democratic forms of government, the novels of Charles Dickens, or a cure for polio.

But for every interesting, creative, or even genius idea our minds produce, it also generates a lot of nonsense.

Here’s an example: 2 + 2 = 5.

If you read that, the thought “2 + 2 = 5” was in your head. But the simple fact that you thought it doesn’t make it true.

Of course, it’s not just irrational thoughts that our mind produces: the mind is also capable of generating thoughts that are actually unhelpful or even downright evil. Thoughts can lead to concentration camps and chemical warfare just as easily as Habitat for Humanity or The Peace Corp.

The point is this:

When you assume every thought your mind throws at you is true, you end up thinking more about that thought:

If some negative self-talk about a recent mistake you made pops into your mind, your habit of believing all your thoughts is going to lead to a lot of excess guilt and shame.

 Overthinking is at the root of most forms of emotional suffering. 

Stop believing that all your thoughts are true, and you’ll stop overthinking so much.

Emotionally strong people see change as an opportunity not a threat.

For many people, change signifies danger. And so, they go about their lives consciously and unconsciously trying to keep things steady and stable, all in an attempt to minimize the emotional discomfort that goes along with changes in life.

 The problem is…. 

Change is inevitable, whether you like it or not.

Life is change. And if you’re not very good at dealing with change, it’s going to be a bumpy ride:

This doesn’t mean they’re Pollyannas who pretend that everything is good and always works out for the best. They acknowledge that change is hard and scary.

But in addition to that, they work to see how opportunity and benefit can coexist with hardship and struggle:

Look, I get that this probably sounds trite or cliche. But here’s thing:

Looking for opportunity in the face of adversity isn’t some silly slogan or hallow mantra — it’s a critical emotional skill.

And if you want to become more emotionally strong, you need to practice.

I’m always surprised at how hard people are on themselves:

Why are we so cruel to ourselves?

I mean, hasn’t it ever struck you as odd that you can be profoundly compassionate and understanding with your friends when they make mistakes or feel bad, but the minute you screw up, you start assaulting yourself with negative self-talk and self-judgment?

This used to baffle me a lot more until I reflected on how most people are raised…

Of course, it’s all a big lie.

Most people successful people are a success despite being hard on themselves, not because of it.

Suppose you flub the final slide of your presentation at work. Does beating yourself up with tons of criticism and self-judgment increase or decrease your odds of making a good impression during a future presentation?

Mentally strong people understand that we’re all surprisingly resilient by nature. And that the best way to stay strong emotionally is to be gentle with yourself when things are tough.

All You Need to Know

Emotionally strong people understand that the ability to manage difficult emotions confidently and effectively comes down to habits. Specifically, avoid the bad habits that sap you of emotional strength, and you’ll realize you’re a lot more emotionally strong than you realized.