Is your partner feeling more distanced than ever?
When dynamics shift, this is how an emotionally unavailable person reacts.
Building a life with an emotionally unavailable person is no simple thing to do.Ā When we want to get closer, they put up walls. If we look for something deeper, they pull away. The worst part of it all, though, is how poorly they react when the relationship is challenged by the difficulties of life.
The last thing you want to do is navigate lifeās rough patches with someone who canāt emotionally connect with themselves or with you. Once the dynamics change (and they always do) we can stand beside partners who are vacant, volatile, and worst of all untrustworthy.
How can you face up to the worldās challenges when your partner is shut down, villainizing you, or building defenses you canāt see over? Itās not a trick question. You canāt. But thatās exactly what happens when your relationship shifts with an emotionally unavailable person.
These trials change our dynamics (even if only for a little while) and that can send the emotionally unavailable person into a tailspin of wild reactions that cause even more harm to ourselves and the relationship.
For many emotionally unavailable people, the only thing to do is shut down when things change. Assuming all change is bad (either from experience or from a pessimistic personality) they will react in the way they think can most protect them from heartbreak and upset.
The theme here is more akin to āpush them overboard before they jumpā. Itās not an easy way to live, and it doesnāt make for a happy relationship. Look out for the person who begins reacting in a volatile way.
They might pick petty fights, criticize you all the time, or even engage in weaponized incompetence in order to make you think less of them. Itās all in an effort to force you away from them. Rather than getting hurt by the shifting dynamics, they donāt understand, they push you out with poor behaviors.
It really gets interesting when misunderstandings come from their partners. They canāt just sit down and talk things out. So whatās to be done? For many, the only option is to villainize the things they donāt understand. As dynamics shift, someone has to become the enemy.
That usually falls to the other partner, who shoulders the blame and becomes the target for all the upset and the conflict. Over time, resentment builds. The more confusion there is, the more upset and chaos becomes rooted in the partnership.
Thatās why some emotionally unavailable people take shifting dynamics as a sign itās time to run. To prepare for that run, some willĀ use a rebound. They will literally set up the person theyāre going to fall back on in case you ditch them or force them to break up the relationship.
Unpleasant and hurtful, these rebounds can be the last cracks in an already struggling connection. At the heart of this move is insecurity. The desire not to be hurt, or to limit the hurt by ensuring thereās a distraction to fall back on. Of course, in all cases ā this is the worst decision to make. A new partner will not fix the issues that are already facing your relationship-building skills.
That makes communication difficult because theyāreĀ incredibly defensiveĀ and unwilling to take accountability (because that requires facing emotions and creating discomfort for themselves). So when you want to talk, theyāll deflect. They may also adopt several other toxic coping mechanisms that mask their true feelings or their ability to connect.
Give yourself the emotional space you need to focus. Take a broader look at your relationship and whatās happening. You canāt save someone who doesnāt want to be saved, and you canāt rescue a relationship theyāre already exiting. Talk to people you can trust. Meditate and ask yourself the tough questions.
Give your partner a chance to bring it back around to you, but know that ā if they canāt ā you have to choose your happiness over their inability to be open, honest, and present in the love you share.
