What Are The Hallmarks of Being Securely Attached?Finding A Partner After Abuse.
Perhaps the purest form of Love is showing kindness to those who are suffering in pain. This is something that is lacking in a relationship with a violent partner, where the abuser will intentionally deprive their mate of a soothing shoulder.
Someone who ignores your pain, who invalidates your existence as a human being…is not someone who is capable of loving you the way you deserve.
So, if you have had and experienced insecure attachment styles from abuse and trauma in your past, it will be a challenge to learn how to trust and build healthy relationships with others — but it is possible.
Conflict resolution should never involve physical violence like smashing property, nor should it involve abuse of another person’s mind, such as in emotional abuse and neglect. Watch for patterns, and feel out a person’s method of handling problems…not just how they act when everything is fine.
If you are often able to compromise and cooperate with your partner in mutual understanding, then this is a very good sign and indicator of health. If you or your partner are dismissive, avoidant, or overly accommodating when problems arise, this could be a signal for an unhealthy attachment style.
People who get along best compliment each other — they learn how to cooperate in efforts to achieve a common goal. Neither person should feel they are lacking affection from their partner in a healthy relationship.
Reciprocity is not a competitive game or system of keeping score or a forced endeavor…it is done authentically to show you care for someone who cares for you.
A relationship that doesn’t cultivate respect isn’t a good one. Boundaries are not rules that are enforced onto another person, but rather, they are principles for ourselves that we should be allowed to follow without heavy pushback or punishment for who we are.
It may seem like an obvious thing to state, but the concept of “opposites attract” can certainly throw us for a loop. The things that matter to us most in life are largely determined by our personal values — which can have a lasting impact on our relationships in a constructive or a destructive way.
Too many extreme points of difference in how you view the world could ultimately be the end to your relationship, and it could even be an indicator for violent personalities in cases where there is lacking empathetic concern.
You Can Communicate Openly Honestly Without Overwhelming Fear.[/su_heading]Do you feel afraid of the person you are with? If so, then that’s not going to be a foundation which can sustain a relationship with them.
In a healthy relationship, you should feel able to talk openly and honestly without fear of criticism or punishment.
A relationship that is healthy will feel and be freeing, not inhibiting you from being your best or true self.
Trust plays an important role in this, and it’s okay and normal to spend more time together than apart at the beginning of a relationship. As trust is built, independence should be maintained to where it’s not impeding anyone’s autonomy — but ideally it should take into the consideration of one’s partner.
You should want to spend time with your partner. If that’s not the case and you’re using alone time to avoid interaction, then this is also a type of emotional abuse, and you may want to evaluate the status of that relationship.
Encouraging your partner to be better is often a guise that abusers hide behind to control. However, when trust is present, encouragement is a great way to see that special someone in your life flourish.
If you are telling someone else what to do, or you’re being told what to do, this is a violation of autonomy. There is a huge difference in the impact we make on another individual’s life and health when we support their own successes instead of telling them directly what to do.
Trust isn’t just in our minds, it’s in our physical reactions. We even have receptors that biologically warn us about someone or signal our affection for bonding. Listening to your body’s intuition when first meeting someone is in many ways useful for evaluating circumstances, and it can alert us if something’s not quite right in our relationship. It’s normal to take your time when first learning to trust someone, and it’s very difficult to rebuild trust that has been broken.
The feeling of trust may be described as an overwhelming feeling of peace, a lack of suspicion, a lack of fear or nervousness, and an outward dedication and show of this commitment through action. Behaviors of individuals in a relationship will reflect back on the health of the relationship itself like a mirror.
Image by: Ruslan Zh on Unsplash
A relationship that is healthy will not have a power dynamic, and it will be a place for growing instead of stagnation. There will be a sense of harmony, balance, and joy. It will feel peaceful, not fearful when you’re with the right person.
Every relationship has conflict. It can even be healthy and inspire growth… but it is never healthy if you can’t fight fairly.
Featured Image by Gabriel Silvério on Unsplash
Samantha “Ms Sami” Clarke
A Funny Human That Writes | Domestic Violence Survivor & Advocate for Women | Versed in Psychology & Criminology | Painter by Day, Poetic Vigilante by Night.
Article credit and social network links below…