
Empathy: The Ability that Makes Us Truly Human.
A speech by Simon Sinek shows us that as leaders we can either rule with an iron fist or decide to help people, and which way we go can have a serious impact on performances:To be a good leader in any job is to be able to look after those in our care rather than just being a boss to people.
We are often taught tasks β to do certain things within our roles but when we progress forward there is not much teaching for leading the people taking over what we used to do. There is uncertainty in progression. But we must take the responsibility that comes with this and practice each day like any other job role.
When performance dips, must look inward and ask if weβve truly done everything we could to make this happen. As when we look after those under us everything will fit into place. We need to show that we care about people, make them feel wanted and appreciated. Show that we care. When we do, people will be more motivated to progress.
Learn to understand others and the issues they may be facing in their lives. Find out and help them, so they can in turn help you.
Making Kindness Contagiousβ£οΈ
From The Science of Happiness, what does it take to live a happier life?Learn research-tested strategies that you can put into practice today. Hosted by award-winning psychologist Dacher Keltner.
We gave our Happiness Guinea Pig a mission…
…Do five random acts of kindness in one day.
NIPUN MEHTAΒ You know, this guy came up to me one time and he says, I want to talk to you about, about generosity and kindness. And we were at a cafe. We were having lunch. And he says, βYou know, I know about giving, but I donβt know about receiving. And what are your tips for receiving?β
You know, this guy is a very affluent sort of philanthropist guy. So we start talking and at the end of the meal, itβs time to pay the check. And heβs like, βNo, no, you canβt pay.β And I said, βNo, no, you canβt pay. Let me do it.β So what we decided to do was I said, βIβll pay for this table, but you pay for a random table.β
And so he calls the waitress over and he starts to have a conversation. And he says, βYou know, Iβd like to pay for another table.β And the first thing is the waitress looks at us like, βWhy? You know, whatβs going on here? And then he says, look, I just wanna make somebodyβs day. And so this woman then says, βOK, fine, I get this. OK? Who?β
So somehow he picked a table and this woman now has to go in. And, you know, our waitress, her name was Mandy, goes to the table. And Mandy comes back with this incredible joy. Weβre like, βWhat happened? How was it?β And sheβs like, βOh, it was. It was amazing. They looked at me and theyβre like, βWow, do you guys do this here all the time as weβre not from here.β
And she was no longer just our waitress. She was our compatriot in goodness, you know. And at the end of that incredible interaction, I looked at my friend and I said, βYou know, were you giving?β Because he did give right, he provided financial capital. Or were you receiving? And it was so clear with a beaming smile on his face that he was receiving.
DACHER KELTNERΒ Back in the 90s, Nipun Mehta led a group of volunteers in Silicon Valley to use their tech savvy to help othersβ- without any specifics about what theyβd get in return. The movement led to Service Space, a group now helping millions worldwide do daily acts of kindness and generosity. As our Happiness Guinea Pig today, Nipun tried a practice that speaks to one of his most deeply held beliefs: that kindness brings joy to the giver just as much as the receiver. Nipun, itβs always great to be with you, thanks for being on The Science of Happiness.
NIPUN MEHTAΒ What a joy to be here. Thank you, Dacher.
DACHER KELTNERΒ Tell us about Service Space.
NIPUN MEHTAΒ So the way we started was by building websites for nonprofits. So we went to a homeless shelter and we said, we canβt do what youβre doing, but can we help you with something else? And it was great because they initially at that time, they didnβt even know what the website was, you know? Say they were like, okay, what do you need?
And, you know, I remember the woman at the shelter, she gave me a screwdriver and she says, hereβs my computer. You can put whatever you want in it. And I was like, weβll do that from home. And they were like, what kind of volunteering is that? And so we told our friends about it and it became this counterculture underground movement in the Silicon Valley initially, and it spread all around the world.
DACHER KELTNERΒ So Nipun, itβs not random then that as our happiness guinea pig, you chose one of my favorite of our practices, which is the random acts of kindness practice. Could you walk us through how you do that, what the five steps are?
NIPUN MEHTAΒ The practice here was to do five acts of kindness in one day, which is great. So the steps of the practice is, you wake up and you say, βToday, Iβm going to do five acts of kindness,β you know? And thatβs just the orientation with which you meet all your dayβs actions.
DACHER KELTNERΒ So itβs just doing five practices of kindness.
NIPUN MEHTAΒ Itβs just doing five acts of kindness.
DACHER KELNTERΒ How long did it take you?
NIPUN MEHTAΒ Well, I mean, each act of kindness by itself is just a couple of minutes. But its ripple effect is long. Yeah. So it stays inside your heart and it changes, Iβm sure it changes your biochemistry. Yeah. Well we know that I usually quote you.
DACHER KELTNERΒ Mention the old vagus nerve, and how itβs activated by kindness! No, itβs fundamental.
NIPUN MEHTAΒ But itβs kind of fun to go out on the streets and or to just hold your day in the light of, βWell Iβm going to do acts of kindness today.β
DACHER KELTNERΒ So what did you do?
NIPUN MEHTAΒ I always keep small things in my in my pocket. And so I have these small little heart pins. And so on this particular day, one of my neighborβs kids was walking through and I just kind of ran into her and, you know, you hold your hand up and she gives you high fives. Get excited by jumping. And so I was just kind of just taking like 30 seconds. And at the end, I gave her a little heart pin. So that was great. A little later in the day I was out at the store.
And I you know, I was just at the checkout and instead of just saying thank you to the cashier, I asked her her name. And and then, you know, when you say, βThank you, Helen.β It sounds a lot different than, βThank you.β Yeah. And it just kind of brought a smile on her face. And thatβs a tough job. You know, youβre like youβre youβre doing the same thing again and again and everyoneβs feeling entitled to their products.
And theyβre using, you know, itβs like youβre not really seeing this as a person with their own journey because youβre sort of in a rush you know, on your way to something else. So, yeah, I think that was meaningful.
DACHER KELTNERΒ You know, and when we go to the science of kindness, thereβs so much kindness in these subtle acts of like how you use your voice, how you make eye contact. You know, we know scientifically when you make eye contact, you actually you sort of elicit oxytocin release in other people. Like even using somebodyβs name. When you did these five practices of kindness, what were some of your favorite reactions that you got?
NIPUN MEHTAΒ I was actually at a school and we were talking about kindness and how we can all do small acts of kindness. And it creates an outer ripple effect, but also an inner ripple effect. And at the end, they gave me bouquets and, you know, it was like this whole process. And it was multiple bouquets. And thereβs no way Iβm going to need multiple bouquets of flowers. And so I opened it up and I said, you know, I asked the kids to go out and thank somebody in the school.
Like, it could be a janitor, it could be somebody in the in the kitchen staff, it could be a fellow student, it could be a teacher. And the context was there. And so they all lined up and I looked each person in the eye. No, I didnβt have the oxytocin view, but I just cared. And so we I would look them in the eye and I would say, thank you for doing this act of kindness. And I would give each one a flower. They even brought more flowers because there were a lot more kids. And by the end of the line, this one girl.
This is a true story. I mean, this one girl comes back with tears in her eyes and she says, βYou know, can I get another flower?β That she tapped into that goodness in herself that felt so meaningful. And she says, βCan I do it again?β And thatβs very resonant with my own experience. You know, I canβt stop doing kindness. I mean, no one can. If you really started doing that, you just youβre like, βWhy? Why would you not be kind all the time?β Like, itβs just the way to be.
DACHER KELTNERΒ It is.
NIPUN MEHTAΒ But I but I learned that from from these kids, you know. So theyβre theyβre very much closer to that core than sometimes adults. I would recommend all listeners to go appreciate a bus driver. And then ask them how many times has this happened to them in their life? Yeah. And theyβll be like the first time. And youβre like, what kind of a world are we creating where, you, no one has appreciated a bus driver thatβs been giving rides to everybody for decades, right?β And so youβre like, wow.
DACHER KELTNERΒ So what do you think that says about how we typically live our lives, and how might this practice help us change that?
NIPUN MEHTAΒ So usually our dayβs actions are very oriented towards me. What am I going to do? What am I going to get? You open each door and you kind of you go in as a consumer and you say, what am I going to take from this? What am I going to get from this? Right. But here are the practices to actually turn it around and say, Iβm going to be a contributor. And so you open each door and you say, how can I contribute? How can I give? And as you start doing that and you say, βOK, well, I was just act number one and asked number two.β
And by the time you get to, you know, four or five, you start realizing, βWow, maybe I can just do that all day.β Like thereβs a kind of internal momentum that is built, and that becomes very powerful. And then the invitation to yourself, the unspoken sort of invitation, is, βWhy donβt I do this every day? You know, why am I not like this every hour?β Just because youβre opening a door and saying, what can I contribute doesnβt mean youβre not going to get anything. Youβre going to get a lot. Yeah. And so it can potentially change your life.
DACHER KELTNERΒ What strikes you about the meaning of kindness as youβve done your travels and your work?
NIPUN MEHTAΒ We really have to learn to not keep track of how much weβre giving and receiving. If I give you financial capital, Iβm saying, βOkay, youβre going to bring me back financial capital.β But you know, you might give apples and you might get oranges in return. And that actually, itβs just not about the oranges and apples. Itβs actually about the relationships thatβs built because of that whole process.
That does something to you, that changes the world The way I think about it, I think we give then we learn that in giving we are receiving and then ultimately we stop keeping track of how much weβre giving and how much weβre receiving. I think of it as dancing, you know. So give, receive, and dance.
DACHER KELTNERΒ Wow, thatβs really well put.Β What are some personal experiences that shaped this perspective on kindness?
NIPUN MEHTAΒ In 2005, 2004, I got married and my wife. We sold everything we had and put a few boxes at my parentsβ house. Took a one-way ticket, went to the guy on the Gandhi Ashram and we said weβre going to walk south, do acts of kindness on the way home and eat whatever food is offered and sleep wherever places offered.
DACHER KELTNERΒ How long did you do that?
NIPUN MEHTAΒ So we did it for a thousand kilometer.
DACHER KELTNERΒ Oh, my God.And were there particular moments or families that you visited that really stay with you?
NIPUN MEHTAΒ We were walking through this area where there was a well, you know, very few people, very rural. Water was really hard to come by. And this is probably about 120 degrees heat. And so youβre youβre wondering, you know, thereβs so many question marks going through your mind. Yeah. And, you know, from a distance, we see this woman. And sheβs like this old grandma.
And she calls us in and she kind of waves us saying she thinks that isnβt who she is, as you must be thirsty. And I was like, yeah, we are thirsty. And so she brought us water in this half broken pot. And it was really powerful because later I learned that it took her four hours to go get that water. And so we received that water. People would borrow food to feed us. And we were just confronted with that kind of generosity. And youβre just like, wow, Iβm you know, maybe Iβll practice that tomorrow in a deeper way.
Yeah. And so we were just so inspired by all these people along the way. And I think I would say the core lesson I was left with was initially sometimes many times I would say, well, you know, gosh, that guy really didnβt need to be mean like that. Yeah. And I would say, βWhy isnβt the world a little kinder?β And I think by the end of the pilgrimage, the question that I was holding for myself was not why isnβt the world a little kinder? How can I be a little kinder for the world?
DACHER KELTNERΒ How do you take that kind of radical experience and then find it in your life today? Like on a daily basis, how would you tell your friends, like, if you canβt do the thousand kilometre pilgrimage, what do you do today?
NIPUN MEHTAΒ I think the real point of it was that you learn to be the change. You realize that no matter what the context, you can practice love. You can be kind. You can be generous. Yeah. And I think thereβs this narrative that generosity is a luxury sport. And hello,itβs our human right to be kind and to be loving. And I mean you donβt need material things to do that. And so like for example,
Iβve been married what now 14 years. And one of my practices is every single morning, my wife loves tea to wake her up, and I make her Indian chai. And no matter when she wakes up, sheβs got it. You know, some of the years sheβs had jobs where itβs like sheβs super early out the door at like 5:30 AM. and I wake up and Iβll make it. And it sounds like a chore. But actually itβs itβs the most amazing thing. I did it this morning.
DACHER KELTNERΒ All right. I always feel that the work that youβre doing and the degree of kindness youβre promoting in the world just exudes into me. And Iβm really grateful to be in conversation with you, to be your friend and for you to be on the show. Thank you so much.
NIPUN MEHTAΒ Thank you, Dacher. The feeling is very mutual.
DACHER KELTNERΒ Itβs all too clear today that hatred can spread across our social networks, whether thatβs online or in real life. But can kindness be just as contagious as cruelty?
JAMIL JAKIΒ We had the intuition that conformity could just as easily be a force for positive behaviors, things like kindness and empathy.
DACHER KELTNERΒ Kindness expert Jamil Zaki talks about his experiment exploring why we act the way the ways we do.
JAMIL JAKIΒ And in order to meet that goal, they do what other people around them do. They feel what other people around them feel. They think what other people around them think. And we know that conformity can be a really destructive force. I mean, you think about people who become politically polarized and hateful because others around them are. We see people around us acting kindly, then maybe we might be inspired to do so as well.
DACHER KELNTERΒ Jamil tested this out. He gave a group of people repeated opportunities to donate real money to a charity. But before donating, they saw what theyΒ believedΒ was the average amount donated by 100 people before them. Those numbers were all made up.
JAMIL JAKIΒ We wanted to manipulate whether they believed that they lived in a caring and kind or indifferent and stingy world. What we found was that people conformed. If they believe that others around them were acting kindly and generously, they did too. And if they believed that others were mostly indifferent, they acted indifferently as well.
DACHER KELTNERΒ Participants then read short vignettes about homeless peopleβs lives, and they saw data about how much empathy other participants felt afterwards. People in this part of the study only knew how much empathy others felt towards homeless people, nothing was said about donating money.
JAMIL JAKIΒ But then participants had a chance to donate to a local homeless shelter and all of those donations were real.
DACHER KELTERΒ When people thought others felt more empathy toward homeless people, they were more likely to feel more empathy themselves.Β AndΒ they were more likely to donate more money.
JAMIL JAKIΒ So this suggests to us that we donβt just imitate peopleβs kind behavior. We actually kind of catch their feelings about other people, their sense of care for others. And that in turn drives us to be more generous and to be kinder.
DACHER KELTNERΒ If youβd like to try the Random Acts of Kindness practice, or want to check out other practices to boost kindness, connection and happiness in your own life, visit, ggia.berkeley.edu. Then tell us how it went by using the hashtag #happinesspodβ or emailing us at greater@berkeley.edu.
Iβm Dacher Keltner. Thanks for joining me on the Science of Happiness. Our podcast is a co-production of UC Berkeleyβs Greater Good Science Center and PRI/PRX, with production assistance from Jennie Cataldo and Ben Manilla of BMP Audio. Our producer is Shuka Kalantari, our associate producer is Annie Berman, our executive producer is Jane Park. Our editor-in-chief is Jason Marsh. Special thanks to UC Berkeleyβs Graduate School of Journalism.

