What Are The Hallmarks of Being Securely Attached?

Finding A Partner After Abuse.

Perhaps the purest form of Love is showing kindness to those who are suffering in pain. This is something that is lacking in a relationship with a violent partner, where the abuser will intentionally deprive their mate of a soothing shoulder.

Someone who ignores your pain, who invalidates your existence as a human being…is not someone who is capable of loving you the way you deserve.

So, if you have had and experienced insecure attachment styles from abuse and trauma in your past, it will be a challenge to learn how to trust and build healthy relationships with others — but it is possible.

Healthy relationships are all about respect, consent, and preservation of human rights. As basic as it may sound, violence in relationships is a pervasive and widespread problem — so it has become necessary for those who have the freedom to do so…to speak out and speak up.

Conflict resolution should never involve physical violence like smashing property, nor should it involve abuse of another person’s mind, such as in emotional abuse and neglect. Watch for patterns, and feel out a person’s method of handling problems…not just how they act when everything is fine.

If you are often able to compromise and cooperate with your partner in mutual understanding, then this is a very good sign and indicator of health. If you or your partner are dismissive, avoidant, or overly accommodating when problems arise, this could be a signal for an unhealthy attachment style.

A relationship is not a one-way street, although it can certainly feel that way in an unhealthy one. Does your relationship feel equal? Is there a feeling of balance, that you make a good team together with this person?

People who get along best compliment each other — they learn how to cooperate in efforts to achieve a common goal. Neither person should feel they are lacking affection from their partner in a healthy relationship.

Reciprocity is not a competitive game or system of keeping score or a forced endeavor…it is done authentically to show you care for someone who cares for you.

A healthy relationship allows individuals to fully function independent of that relationship itself. Boundaries are those things we create in our lives to protect ourselves and our own health and well-being — they are things we are allowed to say “no” to freely.

A relationship that doesn’t cultivate respect isn’t a good one. Boundaries are not rules that are enforced onto another person, but rather, they are principles for ourselves that we should be allowed to follow without heavy pushback or punishment for who we are.

While some may think that it’s impossible for people to match completely in their thoughts and opinions in life, it is actually a very important thing to consider someone’s moral values and how they align with your own.

It may seem like an obvious thing to state, but the concept of “opposites attract” can certainly throw us for a loop. The things that matter to us most in life are largely determined by our personal values — which can have a lasting impact on our relationships in a constructive or a destructive way.

Too many extreme points of difference in how you view the world could ultimately be the end to your relationship, and it could even be an indicator for violent personalities in cases where there is lacking empathetic concern.

You Can Communicate Openly Honestly Without Overwhelming Fear.[/su_heading]Do you feel afraid of the person you are with? If so, then that’s not going to be a foundation which can sustain a relationship with them.

In a healthy relationship, you should feel able to talk openly and honestly without fear of criticism or punishment.

A relationship that is healthy will feel and be freeing, not inhibiting you from being your best or true self.

A good sign that you’re in a healthy relationship is when you are able to fully experience any alone time and space you need, independent from your partner. One clear tactic of abusive control is often in some way, directly or indirectly, preventing a partner from having a life outside of the relationship itself — a situation often known as codependency.

Trust plays an important role in this, and it’s okay and normal to spend more time together than apart at the beginning of a relationship. As trust is built, independence should be maintained to where it’s not impeding anyone’s autonomy — but ideally it should take into the consideration of one’s partner.

You should want to spend time with your partner. If that’s not the case and you’re using alone time to avoid interaction, then this is also a type of emotional abuse, and you may want to evaluate the status of that relationship.

Let your partner grow at their own pace; Each person is an individual with their own distinct path and process.

Encouraging your partner to be better is often a guise that abusers hide behind to control. However, when trust is present, encouragement is a great way to see that special someone in your life flourish.

If you are telling someone else what to do, or you’re being told what to do, this is a violation of autonomy. There is a huge difference in the impact we make on another individual’s life and health when we support their own successes instead of telling them directly what to do.

Without trust, true intimacy just cannot happen. This is why trust is foundational in relationships, even in the bedroom. A lack of trust can lead to controlling behaviors and serious disappointments in a partner. How do you know that trust is present?

Trust isn’t just in our minds, it’s in our physical reactions. We even have receptors that biologically warn us about someone or signal our affection for bonding. Listening to your body’s intuition when first meeting someone is in many ways useful for evaluating circumstances, and it can alert us if something’s not quite right in our relationship. It’s normal to take your time when first learning to trust someone, and it’s very difficult to rebuild trust that has been broken.

The feeling of trust may be described as an overwhelming feeling of peace, a lack of suspicion, a lack of fear or nervousness, and an outward dedication and show of this commitment through action. Behaviors of individuals in a relationship will reflect back on the health of the relationship itself like a mirror.

Image by: Ruslan Zh on Unsplash

A relationship that is healthy will not have a power dynamic, and it will be a place for growing instead of stagnation. There will be a sense of harmony, balance, and joy. It will feel peaceful, not fearful when you’re with the right person.

Every relationship has conflict. It can even be healthy and inspire growth… but it is never healthy if you can’t fight fairly.

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Featured Image by Gabriel Silvério on Unsplash