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The Shocking Secret to Being Sexier

The Shocking Secret to Being Sexier

First, (before revealing the secret), I want to state the disclaimer:

I do not think women or men should be near as consumed with this as they are. Our culture has become one obsessed with appearances, ever chasing after exterior approval, and a need to be desired and thought of as “hot.” This is an ultimately fruitless and disheartening pursuit, one which will make for an emotionally difficult life.

Many of us tend to live our lives on a near-perpetual path of roller-coaster-esque dieting. Throughout much of our current cultural landscape, narcissism runs abound. People ever hungering for the stamp of approval or the affirmation that they are in fact attractive, desired, admired, or “sexy.” Imagining that once they finally obtain such a feeling, then their lives will finally be good.

This pursuit does not lead to a fulfilled or ultimately happy life. Both philosophy and scientific studies have proven it, time and time again.

When you base your opinion of yourself on responses from others, you will be on a perpetual life path of up-and-down, this-way-and-that.

When you chase after, obsess over, hunger for, and feast on the compliments and praise of others, sometimes you will feel great, though just as often, you will feel disappointed, sad, let down, and left hungering.

There are far more fulfilling, affirming, and truly important things to focus on, pursue, and prioritize.

I am not advocating one shouldn’t care about how they look or feel. Of course, we all wish to look and feel our best, and that’s a valid thing. However, there is such a wide berth of far more satisfying life values and pursuits out there that, to have a truly joyous and satisfying life, one can and should focus on.

These can include some of the following:

  • Finding a personal passion, whether it be building things, creating some kind of art, helping people in one way or another, caring for animals, uplifting those in need, adventuring the world, mastering a hobby -anything from cooking to gardening, writing, painting, stand up comedy, you name it. And once you find it, sprinting after this very passion which sets your heart alight.
  • Being a supportive, uplifting presence, joy, and worthwhile connection in other’s lives. It’s hard to really invest in or focus on this when consumed with perfecting yourself and garnering perpetual approving feedback with regards to you/your looks/how attractive or “awesome” you are.
  • Learning as much as you possibly can via books, articles, classes, life experiences, other people, and continually pursuing personal self-growth.
  • Finding a job you love, and then reveling in the work.
  • Adventuring the world and experiencing different cultures, ideologies, and ways of life.

The list goes on. The point being though: there are so many far more important and authentically fulfilling things to focus on rather than how “sexy” you are.

With that said, want to know the shocking secret toward being sexier? And when I use the word “sexy,” I am not referring to looks alone. I am referring more along the lines of sexiness as 25% what you’ve got and 75% what you think you’ve got (because sexiness isn’t just a way of looking, it’s also an energy, aura, and inner feeling).

To be significantly sexier…here it is folks.

Cover up a bit. Induce a sense of mystery. Show some modesty. Exude an air of class and personal discretion. Carry yourself in such a way that people long to both know and see more.

Doubtful? Convinced that in order to get the most attention, you have to let it all hang out (both literally and figuratively) as most everyone else does?

Hold on. Let me explain why the above behaviors and values are incredibly hot to way more people than you think, and why they truly (not just temporarily) hold people’s attention. I offer both opinions and researched data to back up this point.

We are currently living within a saturation of soft to medium core porn, almost everywhere we look. Advertisements, laden with blatant sexual and often times near-pornographic imagery.

Further, these images are edited and doctored to such a degree that many people come to believe that this is how one can and thus, should look in order to be considered an attractive human being.

Over time, continually viewing these kinds of images can alter and skew one’s perception in a negative way of what it means to be attractive, as well as unrealistically influence standards of beauty by which they use to measure both themselves and others (a la, false and unrealistic ones).

Most of these images also tend to be homogenized and look largely the same. Thus, our belief of what is sexy has become a rather narrow one.

Clothing has gotten skimpier, more revealing, and self objectifying as well. A disturbing advertisement of sorts, for what I am not sure. Especially during the summertime, one can observe a streaming parade of what appear to be people selling sex, walking down the street daily. Women’s breasts all, but exploding out of tops. Butt cheeks jiggling out the bottom of shorts. Dress hems barely brushing the crotch level.

On Facebook, Instagram, and other social media platforms, we are met with a continual chain of self endorsing, narcissistic, compliment eliciting material and photos.

Selfies abound. Duck lipped, scantily clad selfies posed just so.

People made up to attempted perfection, seeking (though pretending they aren’t) validation, compliments, and approval left and right. Everyone, it seems, on a staunch search for loads of “likes” in order to know and believe they are “sexy enough.” Lots and lots of focus on and concern with oneself and one’s image.

Further, people broadcasting all manner of their personal lives to plethoras of strangers online, daily, even hourly. Posting on their Facebook newsfeed or Twitter accounts, remarks about their latest breakup, their most recent medical exam or scare, their current struggles with depression, a continual outpouring of baby photos in every manner of pose, and where they are currently eating or drinking a coffee at that moment.

We seem to feel compelled to shout to the world, our feelings from minute to minute, our emotions as they ebb and flow, our latest dramas, and most mundane activities. A continual contest for who can out-shout one another, who can most shock, and who is able to gain the most attention and thus, validation.

Ex bashings. Dick pics. Provocative selfies.

All of this has become strangely….boring.

It used to be that highly sexualized images were scandalous. Infrequent. Rare. Hidden away or banned. They were things people had to seek out and then hide. This, lending these images a sense of forbidden excitement and allure. Now? They are everywhere, ever in our faces, so easily accessible, there is no challenge nor nothing sustainably titillating about it any longer.

It used to be that cleavage or the shape of someone’s body through their clothing was alluring. A tool used sporadically to entice and excite. Now and instead, we all let it hang out, no further wondering needed, and constantly.

(Image by Hannah Skelly, from

One need not let it all hang out to be lovely and desirable. 

In our current day culture, any man can simply walk down the street and is likely to see several asses hanging out of pants, nipples through shirts, boobs exploding out of tops, and crotches on near overt display.

And while sure, this is sexually stimulating for several, albeit usually brief moments, it doesn’t hold anyone’s attention for long. There are loads more boobs and butts just around the next corner.

It used to be that to find out about a person, you had to actually spend time with them. Spending hours, and on numerous occasions, talking with them, as well as partaking in activities and experiences with them.

Now? Just Google someone, or better yet, look at their Twitter or Facebook. You can likely see it all, right there. What they had for breakfast that morning, their latest medial emergency, a montage of photos including all their exes, and reports of their emotions moment to moment.

This is incredibly anticlimactic, and lacking any allure or mystery.
It robs people of the exciting, anticipation laden experience and exploration of getting to know one another over time. Of that slow, thrilling unfolding, growth, and discovery.

It used to be that you saw someone naked only on being intimate with them. Now? You can see a vast majority of people nearly naked in just walking past them on the street! Talk about the killing of suspense or allure. As well as cheapening and reduce the value of the occasion when you do finally get intimate. You probably already saw them nearly naked on your first meeting anyway, if they were dressed in today’s usual fashion.

Guys who send “dick pics” or girls who send nude photos to men whom they hardly know? Same thing. Giving it all away, and right away, with no build-up, no sense of earning such a gift, no sense of treasuring nor guarding oneself, no sense of anticipation or tension allowed to flourish and build first.

We have come to be so saturated in nakedness and overt sexualization, a loud and unabashed telling-it-all, a “look at me, look at me” culture, that this has all become kind of run of the mill, expected, and thus, no longer especially attention-grabbing. At this point, it’s to the contrary.


  • People want what they cannot have.
  • They are enticed by that which we cannot see, or do not know.
  • We are allured by mystery.


(image by Susan Yin, from

​We value, far more, that which is challenging to obtain, or not easily accessed.

As opposed to things that require no effort whatsoever and which as a result, can come across as cheap and of far less value.

We love suspense, mystery, and hunger more deeply for that which is just out of reach.

And while oftentimes, we feel urgent towards having what we so desperately desire right then, the slow burn and aching of want, the tension, and build-up, is actually far more delicious and fun when reflected upon.

When things are completely out in the open, lacking any mystery, all laid out on the table and for the taking, obvious and overt, in your face, uniform and utterly the same, this is boring, generic, and not noteworthy. It’s not exciting. It doesn’t hold our attention longer than a bit of temporary arousal before we move on to the next thing.

Our attention is held by challenge. By things we have to work for.
By what we have to figure out and ponder. By a slow build.
A mystery that reveals itself over time. By that which we have to discover.

This is why people love mysteries, high drama, and suspense. This is why we love TV series that leave us hanging and on the edge of our seats each week, wondering what is coming next, how the following episode will unfold, what might we find out about said character coming up.

Finally, we respect and gaze higher on people who clearly value themselves. Those who hold themselves in high regard. People who do not give away their hearts, attention, trust, or their bodies, easily or to just anyone. This is not necessarily fair, though it is a basic of human psychology.

Think about it…everyone wants the attention of the person whose very focus it is difficult to capture. This makes it feel far more exciting and worthwhile, when and if you do garner that person’s attention and affection.

(image by Ben White, from

We feel more honored on receiving the attention, love, trust, or body of someone who rarely gives away such.

Who does so only with much consideration and after they feel the other person has truly earned it. This is thrilling, to be the person who earns this, from one of these highly discerning people.

The shocking secret to being sexier, by leaps and bounds, than our culture at large behaves or seems to think at the moment?

Be one of the rare few who chooses to give more subtle hints of your body instead of letting it all spill out every which way. Invite the people who find you attractive to yearn to see what is underneath (because they cannot already see it all hanging out).

Keep personal things private, reserved and gifted on those truly close to you. Require that someone spend a lot of time with and really get to know you before you give up those kinds of treasures about yourself and heart.

Guard your heart, body, trust, and life details, only revealing and sharing such with those small few who actually earn access to this part of you in time.

Be discerning. Leave something to the imagination. Invite a sense of mystery, allure, and therefore, a sense of discovery waiting in someone growing acquainted with and getting to know you.

Choose to obtain and exude a sense of modesty and class.

Carry yourself in a way that shows that you prize and treasure yourself.

This my friends, believe it or not, is way hotter than the current norms of falling out of one’s clothes every which way, with everyone’s private parts exploding out. So many of us desperate for attention and to garner the greatest shock value, shouting all our personal details to the rooftops. Giving oneself away (whether physically or emotionally) at the drop of a hat.

Holding back is hotter. Subtlety is sexy. Mystery is alluring, inviting, intriguing, and incredibly attractive. This garners real respect, admiration, and interest. It holds people’s attention, and not just for five seconds, but enduringly.

Source: Featured Image by: Kat Nelson, from


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