Wait until youâre ready.
After my first engagement, I went on a date with a different guy almost every weekend. When I traveled, I had casual sex. I did that for almost two years. Near the end, I felt bleached.Hereâs the only thing I learned:
My mistake was that I wanted a relationship to complete me, when thatâs not what theyâre built for. They canât fix your loneliness or insecurity. For a relationship to work, you have to see your life as already good enough. Until then, you only think you want one.
You have to center your own orbit.
With that, hereâs four signs you might not want a relationship, and youâre better off without one, for the time being:
You might be rushing to sex, or a declaration of love. Whatever it is, your expectations will make dates painful. Someone who wants to be in a relationship doesnât grade their dates.
They let them happen.
Who are you so eager to impress, maybe an ex? Not a great signâŠ
This goes deeper than the typical rebound scenario. Some of us are always staking our identity on the status of our mate. If you donât think youâre enough on your own, youâll always need a human prop by your side to prove your inherent worth to everyone.
Valuable props have a way of walking off set. Sooner or later, theyâll realize whatâs happening. Theyâll leave.
Then youâll have to go out looking for a new prop.
In truth, something else occupies your attention most of the time. Youâre not really invested in the relationship.
Not many people want to be a part-time boyfriend or girlfriend. The pay is lousy, the benefits even worse. Thatâs why they eventually cheat on you, or leave, because theyâre not fulfilled.
Can you blame them? Not really.
Donât punish yourself, either. At certain points in your life, it makes complete sense to be focused on something like your career. Sometimes you just have to get your house in order. You have to go out and wrangle your dreams. Itâs hard to do that and love someone.
Maybe your mistake wasnât investing too little in the relationship. It was trying to have one in the first place.
Itâs not as bad as it sounds.
For two years, I found things to fixate on in relationships. I looked for little dents in people that bothered me, and I used them as excuses to break up. My problem wasnât that I needed to relax my standards. It was that I wasnât allowing myself what I really wanted.
I wanted to be single.I wanted peace and quiet. I wanted an apartment to myself for a year. I wanted time to read and write. It wasnât until I gave myself those things that I was actually ready for a relationship again.
Remember how small you are.
Itâs easy to think a relationship is supposed to give you some part of yourself thatâs missing, or somehow complete your soul. Thatâs what weâre taught over and over, because itâs very effective in making everyone think they should get hitched and start pumping out babies.
A relationship has needs that exceed and supersede our own. Theyâre demanding, even exhausting.
Iâve been married for five years. Sometime before my wedding, I remember standing in the middle of a field and looking up at a night sky free of light pollution that stretched out forever. âIâm so small compared to all this,â I thought, âalmost inconsequential.â
Looking back, that was my signal. I was ready.