Everyone can have them, but not everyone does

When I first met my husband, if you had asked me what I found sexy about him I would have said his looks, his subtle French accent, his intelligence, and humor.

Many years later, I still find these things about him very attractive (even if I can no longer hear any French accent), but what has surprised me is the other characteristics that I didn’t think about then that I now realize are where long-term sex appeal can be found.

We are each hardwired to find certain physical traits attractive. We are innately drawn to some kinds of looks or physical characteristics. Our friends notice after a while that we have a “type”. My husband was definitely my type.

But whatever it is that initially attracts us to someone though, they also probably possess several positive characteristics we don’t pay as much attention to initially. Or if you are like me, you may just take them for granted.

Looks may fade, but these qualities can end up getting only better and better over time. In the long run, they may even matter more than appearance in how attracted you feel to someone.

And unlike a supermodel physique, they are all qualities we are capable of developing in ourselves and having for a long, long time.

Holding a grudge is ugly. It stems from a belief that we are owed something. It is selfish. And often it is the easier thing to do.

True forgiveness, on the other hand, is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness.

It comes from a deeper understanding that the way people treat us has more to do with how they feel about themselves than it does about us. People who forgive are always more attractive than people who don’t. They have better things to do in life than dwell on the past.

A forgiving person might not forget, but they know how to move on. They are forward-focused. They have grace and offer mercy.

I am always grateful when my husband forgives me, and it makes me find him even more attractive. Maybe forgiveness is an underestimated part of where make-up sex comes from?

It might be. Regardless, I have found that no matter who is being forgiven, a partner who can forgive is very attractive.

There will come many moments in life when you’re going to need some help. It might be with your computer, the kitchen faucet, or a flat tire.

And you know what’s really sexy? When your partner can do it. These moments can feel like the closest we have in modern life to being rescued by a knight in shining armor at just the right moment. I find it sexy when my husband can fix my computer or my cellphone or get the pool pump to start working again.

But that rescuing “knight” doesn’t have to be a man. This is definitely an equal opportunity situation, as long as you have skills. I have been known to sew on a button and fix a toilet more than once.

Being good with tools or computers or cars are valuable real-life skills. They save you time, they save you money and sometimes they save your sanity. But they also can be deeply attractive.

We all need rescuing once in a while. And when we do, the passionate feelings we have about our partner rescuer will only increase.

I once unquestionably believed that most people were highly ethical and in their hearts “good.” But I have since come across more than a few who definitely are not. We live in a world where ethical standards are often loose and what is considered moral is twisted to suit personal preferences.

It has made me wonder, what if I accidentally married someone like that? I was so naïve, I very well could have.

Fortunately, I did not. And my husband’s honesty and ethics are two of the qualities I now found most attractive. Those who live a life committed to their values and beliefs are always more attractive than those who don’t. This represents the core of the type of person they are, on the inside. As looks may fade, these become even more important — and visible.

A physically attractive person might be able to skate by on thin moral ice for a while, but as they get older, it becomes more obvious when their behavior, and therefore they, are actually highly unattractive in all the ways that count the most.

Living according to one’s morals and with a high level of ethics can sometimes mean you are left out of the majority. But in the eyes of your partner, you will not be left out, but elevated. There is nothing sexier than a rebel with a cause.

A person who lives by a clear code of ethics reveals that they have spent time in self-reflection and considering the kind of person they want to be in this world. Far from a take-what-you-can attitude, they value their integrity above personal gains. And that is very sexy.

My husband exuded confidence when we met, and I admit I found it very sexy. A certain level of confidence is attractive, but you know what isn’t?

Bragging. Someone who is constantly tooting their own horn. Even the so-called “humblebrag,” which is an oxymoron if there ever was one.

A humble person knows the world is a challenging and complicated place. They do their best and let their action speak for themselves. They don’t feel the need to broadcast their achievements or success.

What I have discovered over the years is that someone can be both confident and humble. Humility is not a lack of confidence. It is modesty. Someone who doesn’t walk around talking about how great they are is much more attractive. They may have it, but they don’t flaunt it.

And in the immortal words of Paris Hilton: That’s hot.

My husband would probably be surprised to know that I find his humility just as attractive as his confidence. It’s really an underrated way of being very sexy.

When the proverbial s@#% hits the fan in your life, what is deeply unattractive is a person who just complains. First of all, we probably know how bad things are and, second, complaining doesn’t help one bit. It only makes it worse.

Third, it is just plain ugly and therefore unattractive. The opposite of sexy: undesirable.

Ignoring the problem or doing nothing is also a turn-off. Nobody likes a wet noodle who just hangs there.

When slapped in the face with a problem or challenge, what is sexy is a partner who gets right to trying to solve the problem or make things better. Sometimes this may be by brainstorming solutions for a long-term plan or resolution. Other times, it’s just about getting out the mop and cleaning up the mess.

Someone who gets right to work trying to solve the problem is always sexier than someone who doesn’t.

Two weeks ago, we had a leak in our basement. I knew from his voice when he asked me to come downstairs that there was a problem. And there was. But we worked together to clean it up and contain the water until the repairman could arrive. We didn’t waste time complaining or freaking out.

Call me weird, but it was a real turn-on. Someone who calmly deals with problems is hot.

Next time you face a problem with your partner, maybe consider it an opportunity to show them what a sexy problem-solver you can be.

This has nothing to with whether or not you decide to ever have kids yourselves. There are a whole host of considerations that go into each couple’s personal decision to do so or not.

But even if you don’t have any children yourselves, you will come across some in life: the offspring of friends and family, the baby in the shopping cart in front of you at the grocery store checkout, and the teenage checkout clerk ringing you up.

We were all kids at one time. In fact, we all spent years of our lives being kids.

Someone who acts as if they could never relate to kids is not attractive. What they are demonstrating is a lack of imagination and a disconnection from their own experiences. It could be described as generational snobbishness. Not pretty.

On the other hand, an adult who can relate and engage with kids remembers what that time in their life was like. Or they can at least try to imagine what life is like for kids and teens these days. They remember the challenge of figuring themselves out in this crazy world, so they can be patient and sympathetic and interested in bringing some moments of joy to the kids they interact with.

No matter how annoyed I might be with my husband at any given moment, if I see him interacting with our daughters or their friends and making them laugh, I always find it very attractive. Plus, having a partner who is always young at heart makes life a lot more fun.

While I still remember distinctly how I felt about my husband the first day we met when I was 27, now we find ourselves nearing middle age. (Please don’t tell me the exact age that is, I don’t want to know! I plan to say “nearing” for years to come.)

The years may be passing, but I don’t worry about not finding my husband sexy as we get older. Because I realize a large part of what we continue to find attractive in one another is within our control. It’s how we behave.

These are all qualities that benefit relationships as couples mature. They will all ensure you will never get too old to be sexy.

Six-pack abs, not required.